Edit. One of the main reasons I had the affair was I DID *****NOT **** KNOW.

Prior to me starting my A with the MM, I knew about 2% of what I know now of how destructive A's,once discovered, are to the CS, the AP and to the BS.

There are plenty of CS's here who boil themselves alive EVERYDAY with guilt when they knew very little about the negative consequences of A's prior to starting their own A.

Because A's have so much stigma and shame attached to them CS's, AP's and BS's are likely to share the true magnitude of their pain with very few people.

As a result, the general public REALLY DOESN'T HAVE A CLUE on true nature of A's.

Then A LOT of people will have A LOT of

1) Ignorance

2) misunderstanding

3) misconceptions

............about the how harmful and destructive A's truly are.


Ignorance , misunderstanding and misconceptions are THE PERFECT BREEDING GROUND FOR POOR DECISIONS.

Hence, the EPIDEMIC of A's will continue unabated.

Edit : CS's, AP's and BS's are UNLIKELY.............

Forget my edit.

*smacks hand on face*

I started thinking about your post at work today and realized this is a subject that needs to be discussed more. For one, I think there is a lot of ignorance regarding the character of cheaters. I think most of us here really do/did deeply care about our mate and everyone else involved.

Secondly, I didn't realize how much I would hurt my love by doing that. At the time, it seemed like no big deal. I reasoned that no one would get hurt as long as the secret didn't get out. And I think no one would have gotten hurt if I kept it a secret. But people did get hurt, and it was more devastating than I could have ever imagined.

I remember telling my friend (now ex-friend) about how I was planning on telling him, but I was afraid of the pain he would be in. You know what she said? "He'll get over it." And I actually believed her. But my ex-friend reflects the ignorance many people have regarding the devastating effects of affairs. The idea that shit happens and "they'll get over it."

People underestimate the magnitude of guilt, too. Before I did it, I knew I would feel guilty. But I didn't realize I would feel that guilty. Every "I love you" or "you're the best" or "I'm gonna make you my wife" started to eat at me instead of making me feel special. Knowing how strong my conscience is, I could never do anything like cheat again. By the way, I have not had sex with the married man despite the temptation these last few weeks. I reminded myself that I have values, and I don't need to be in a relationship to stick to them :-)

I will offer my thought process prior to me my A in hopes that it may help some members here deal with their guilt.

I originally posted this on the infidelity forum and I will repost it here with some minor tweaks.

"This was going to through my head prior to me making the decision to enter the A.

I will walk you folks on how IGNORANCE, MISUNDERSTANDING AND MISCONCEPTIONS INFLUENCED MY VERY VERY POOR DECISION TO GET INTO THE A.

Prior to me getting into the A, I SERIOUSLY thought that A's were as morally wrong as JAYWALKING.

I reasoned that if I was careful and didn't cause an accident or get caught by the cops........................I SAW ********NOTHING******* WRONG WITH THE A.

That was my MINDSET prior to getting into the A"

Here some food for thought for those suffering from IMMENSE guilt.

I believe that the reasons people fall into the trap of alcoholism and drug abuse are SOMEWHAT similar to the reasons why people fall for the trap of infidelity and affairs.

Here are the reasons why I believe why is it SO SO EASY to fall for the trap of infidelity.

1) Opportunity

2) Lust and temptation coupled with the stress and drama of everyday life.

3) Society as a whole has so much ignorance , misconceptions and misunderstandings about affairs and infidelity.

The reason I mentioned above are the reasons why I believe that it is SO SO easy for individuals to fall for the trap of A.


I would like mention that there is so much public knowledge about the dangers of alcoholism and drug abuse and yet, for whatever, many many people still fall for the trap of alcoholism and drug abuse. ( I'm not casting any judgement or criticism in anyway toward alcoholic or drug addicts)

I would also like to point out that the nasty nasty trap of infidelity has VERY LITTLE OR NO WARNING AT ALL.

Please don't be too hard on yourself for falling into the TRAP of infidelity.

Edit.........

.......alcoholism and drug abuse and yet, for whatever REASON , many many people .....

Since I started this thread, I will have a little fun with it.


Here is the PERFECT recipe for an affair smoothie.

Ingredients ---

1 Fruit of OPPORTUNITY (peeled)
1 scoop of LUST
1 scoop of TEMPTATION
1 cup of IGNORANCE
1 cup of MISUNDERSTANDING
1 cup of MISCONCEPTION

Combine all the ingredients in a large blender.

Blend all the ingredients for **********FOUR MONTHS***********

The resulting smoothie will be an AFFAIR.

I've shown that the PERFECT breeding grounds for A's exist EVERYWHERE.

I've shown that cheating is EPIDEMIC that will go on unabated.

I've shown that the TRAP of infidelity is super easy to fall into.


WHAT I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW IS THAT CHEATERS ARE ***********NOT*********MONSTERS.

I have to stop visiting the Infidelity board. Not only is cheating evil but cheaters are evil... smh. When I think of evil I think of someone intentionally trying to hurt another person. It's funny, one of the main arguments is "you knew what you were doing would hurt". They can say that about the wrong they do in life too because no one is perfect. I'm sure when they did bad things they knew it was bad before they did it. I would like to meet one person who has not succumb to temptation.

I know that many cheaters here are kicking themselves daily with those would'a ,should'a and could'a's .

This is a exercise that I recommend that EVERYONE whom is suffering from guilt do. I don't care where you do it. Here, in your journal or in your mind.

After I did this exercise, I proved to MYSELF, BEYOND ANY DOUBT that I did INDEED FALL INTO A TRAP.

I think if other members here do it and prove to THEMSELVES that they did indeed for a trap, they would have a easier time living with themselves and forgiving them.

I will share with you folks my APPROXIMATE timeline of falling into the A.

Day 1 - Day 15 The MM started to flirt with me. I thought it was HARMLESS to flirt so I started flirting back.
During the first 15 days sparks were gradually beginning to fly.

Day 16 - Day 30 My sexual desires toward the MM were gradually escalating EVERYDAY. The mental justification that

1) A's are no big deal.

2) NO ONE will get hurt if we don't get caught

..........began.

Day 31 - Day 59 MM and I continued and ESCALATED our flirting. My sexual desire toward MM reached a FEVERISH pitch. I managed to CONVINCE myself that there was NOTHING WRONG WITH A PA.

Day 60 PA began.

So what started out as what I thought was INNOCENT flirting spiraled into a full blown sexual A.

After I did the above exercise, I realize that during my whole 2 month downward spiral toward the PA, I NEVER HAD ONE VOICE (small or large) telling me

1) to stop.

2) The A is wrong.

3) Danger zone do not proceed.

4) This A will destroy lives

.................SO WAS IT A TRAP?