The short answer is No Contact. Cold turkey, absolute, treat it like an addiction and check into rehab.

I have not succeeded in doing this, but others here have. Keep posting wherever you're at, it helps and it all gets clearer in time.

I agree with Invisible - No contact is really the only way. Willpower alone is not an option. It is an addiction but the withdrawals, though difficult, will not kill you. If you are finding it hard to do this in person, maybe you could do it by letter, for me it's always easier to explain things in writing. Over the phone is also an option. Tell him you will no longer answer calls, respond to emails or other messages, etc. Make sure you can have closure by telling him how you really feel. I feel as though it is a true love for a person that allows you to let them go. Maybe he will understand and respect that? Good luck.

It definitely is an addiction. He said today he's sorry but he can't end it. It will have to be me- I need to get myself to a place that I WANT to end it. I can't imagine not having him in my life and I recognize that is exactly what needs to happen. I agree with you missu that if you truly love someone you need to let them go- and I do love him, and I need to let him go. He says he loves me too and will let me go when I'm truly ready. I don't believe that based on the past but I wish he would. Neither of us want to leave the other and yet we're just stalling. It's a road to no where. I would never ever do this again.

My OM and I have been taking small steps toward crossing the line for months, and we ended it at every step along the way. He's initiated the current ending and I agreed intially but I've already lost my resolve. I've been good for 2 or 3 days every time, I have no strength where he's concerned at all. I think I hope he'll hold out this time. I don't think I ever will. What I need to do is prepare myself for when he puts his foot down and enforces NC because it won't be me who does. Job hunting may be in my future....

In your case it seems that the problem is his to solve, as he is the one who will endure the consequences if it all comes out. Have you considered that he's hoping it will and he would then be free?

How many years were you together? And how many times have you ended it? Do you think this time it will end?

I ended it a couple years ago when he told me he was expecting a child and getting married- I was completely dead serious and he respected my wishes. For 3 months- even then I was upset that he contacted me but he swore he wasn't trying to start anything up, just wanted to see how I was, etc. Naturally one thing led to another- and I had always hoped he would contact me of course. I don't believe that he wants to be caught- they are expecting their 2nd child (I know, I know, horrible and I feel sick about it)and I don't think he wants to be "free" I think he loves his family. He loves me too but he gets the best of both worlds. I'm the one who needs to move on. I just wish he would force me to. My plan is to go back to the gym, and focus on myself so that I can build my self esteem and want more for myself. Any ideas?

I have walked through your pain and tears with two of my close friends who were other people's OW and OM. I have to tell you, sadly, neither of them end up in happy places at the end of the game.
When the cheating spouses lost their marriages over the A and the OW and OM became the real relationship they are in with, either the cheating spouses blamed the OW and OM for causing them their real family which they finally realized was the only thing they ever cared about (duh!). Or they soon realized now they are free, and they have so many other options, it's not just about THE one OW or OM for them anymore. Both of them ended up heartbroken. The guy went through a period of constant suicidal thoughts and lost his job and everything over this whole ordeal. My girlfriend tagged along with the MM and his wife for 5 years and realized nothing would change so moved 2000 miles away to finally end the A. She is a Stanford PHD, a perfectly smart woman. But she couldnât pull herself out of the stupid situation. Now she admitted to me, she wonders how much of it was true love or was it just the obsession of something she could not have. I think this is the biggest pull of the A, because it is something we are NOT SUPPOSED to do.
I guess you really have to clear your head about what you really want in your life. Start meeting other people might be a very good start, even your heart is totally not into funding a new relationship at this point. But any amount of time you can take your mind off of this obsession on the deceiving MM will be good for you. New friends will give you new perspectives on life and take you out of your old box. I wish you all the best to meet a lot of interesting people to make you realize there is a much larger world then the A you are stuck in with. And you will if you are just willing to change your direction a little bit. You will be surprised. I promise you. Sending all the good vibes to you!

Thank you Celia. There is no happy ending here for anyone it's true. I guess it's about mitigating the damage and that's what I'm trying to do- walk away before too much damage occurs. Like your friend, I'm an intelligent, professional woman and nobody would ever suspect that I was in this type of relationship. I don't want my MM to leave his family for me- we already dated before he was married and that didn't work out and though our feelings for each other are much stronger now after all these years...love is not enough and he would cheat on me too. In my case it is love- I was involved with him a long time before he got married. It's not some thrill of wanting what I can't have. But it doesn't really matter it's still wrong and I'm disturbed with myself that I am in this place. I am stuck- that is a good word. I'm scared of leaving this comfortable bubble we're in. I guess it's like quitting any bad habit- I'll say quit after I lose a few pounds, or after I get through this a stressful family situation, etc. Or after I find some self esteem. It's crazy and I've tried therapy but I end up caring too much what the therapist thinks of me because they always end up as a mother figure. I'll look for a younger therapist and see if that works. Talking to people here helps a lot. Thank you so much for your insight and support and good vibes. :)

If your OM TRULY cared for you, he would let you be to live your own life. How unfair of him to keep you hanging on. Before you know it, you will be 65 years old and "waiting" for your OM to come to his senses and move on with you.....not gonna happen if it hasnt happened yet. The fact that you were together before he married and he chose someone else says a lot. He has the best of both worlds! Why would any man give that up. You DESERVE to be happy and move on with your life. You have given this man too much of your self worth. I agree, cold turkey is the way to go.... do not respond to his phone calls, texts, emails, whatever. If you feel the need to tell him that you are moving on, than do so, but thats it and then be firm with your decision! I am getting over my own addiction of the affair and it IS difficult. We got ourselves into this mess, we have the power to change it and make our lives better.

You will go through withdrawal! Something will happen during your day and you will feel the urge to call him. You may pass a restaurant the two of you shared dinner at or hear a song that reminds you of him. This will slowly pass...but you need to choose what kind of life you deserve. One that entails waiting by the phone for him to call when HE has time for YOU, or finding a loving man who wants to share his life with you and want the same things you do. I wish you the best.

One way that you can do this is by telling him that it is over and that if he contacts you you will have no choice but to let his wife know what is going on. You can also start insisting that he leave his wife for you. Start pressuring him for a commitment then see how long he sticks around. Its brutal and may seem cruel, but it will guarantee that he will leave you alone if he is smart. Sometimes scaring them or making them dislike you is the only way to ensure that things end.

Thanks for the advice. Sassy you are totally right. I've wasted a decade of energy on this and the last thing I want is to find myself alone as an old woman regretting wasting the time. He doesn't want me I realize this and always have on some level and am certainly not waiting for him. It's more like I'm waiting for myself to believe I deserve more. What a pathetic mess I am. Never in a million years did I expect to be in this place.