This question is for CS who have ended their A without it being exposed and are working on their M.

I feel very weird and guilty and deceitful. I was these things and i dont know how to stop feeling this way. I've read on SI site how devastated and ruined dynamics of a M can become if the A is discovered. And i am standing by my decision not to tell.

It's very hard to end an A on your own. We have to sneak around on these sites for support. I cant buy these books that are so helpful because i cant have my H find them laying around the house. I dont expect sympathy and am not here to offend the BS out there. All's i know is i am truly, truly sorry for the choice i made and do not want to put my H through the devastation and destruction of ever having to know.

So i go about my days struggling to forgive myself and realize my triggers and hooks all alone and behind my H back. So i still feel im being deceitful but in other ways now, as i try and deal with the enormity of what I've done.

My A ended in sept but there has been sporadic contact up until a few days ago because FOM incessantly broke NC with lovey dovey words that i fell for, again and again. I'd like to say with full clarity i. Am. Done. However, I've said that before and it angers me when i cave. But this time, i do mean it.

So i know its still fresh, and im hoping it'll get easier in time but how do i deal with the here and now. Im sad inside for my H, my M and myself but i put on a happy face in front of my family and H as i deal with this - that i know all too clearly now - i brought upon myself.