I wish I had some insight to provide, but I've never been in that situation. I have not told my soon-to-be-ex husband about my relationship (affair, whatever you want to call it) with K. However, we are headed to divorce. We were already separated when I met K. I have absolutely no guilt about that in the least.

In your situation, I'm not sure how I would do it. Maybe just try to put it out of my mind. I think the first step would be real, true NC with the OM. Block his number, change your email (or block him if you can't), and don't answer numbers you don't recognize. Cut off all Facebook contact and any other "social media" site you're connected to him on. Wipe him out of your life.

Then go about the business of reconnecting with your H. Do things out of the blue - ask him to take a walk. Hold his hand more often. Try out a new move in the bedroom. Laugh as much as you can. Snuggle. Keep "faking it" and eventually it will seem natural, then it will be.

You know I didn't end it on my own, but I went through similar things because I had to fight off the urge to hound him and try to change his mind, or to confront him about what he did looking for answers. In the meantime, I was like you, trying to act normal around the family. I literally walked into work after talking to his wife on the phone and finding out about his OW and had to go about my day without my coworkers knowing that my world had just crumbled under my feet. I guess I was numb, I don't know.

While I was in the A, I couldn't do simple things, like buy my husband a romantic card, because my mind wouldn't let me feel those things for him. Now that it is over, I still struggle to get those feelings back. It is awkward, to say the least. I still feel the guilt when I come to this site because I am sneeking behind his back, but I know it is what I have to do in order to heal. I take this as a sign that I still have a consience, even though it has been buried deep for so many years. I feel relief at some times, guilt now and then, and sadness sprinkled in. It has taken 4 months, but things are shifting more towards "normal" if there is any such thing. :)

I will tell you that if you maintain NC, the next couple of weeks will be hell and after that things will get a little easier each day.

You know I'm here for ya!

OK, time for Tough Love Advice. Used by me. Start with confession of worst thing I ever did so you know that I am not perfect.

Hard to say this because it was so very wrong. I am non-violent. I'm a hippie and opposed to war. So when I got violent, I pretended that it was not that serious. But it was. Here's what I did:

1. Took away my permission to do wrong things
2. Stopped doing them
3. Made amends
4. Never behaved that way again

It works. Not easy, but worth it!

I don't know. And I know that is totally unhelpful.

But in my warped and demented little head, I always thought that marriages were supposed to be relationships where one spouse could turn to the other in moments where more strength was needed than what they had at the time. It seems to me like struggling to heal after an affair without your spouse's knowledge is forcing yourself to be able to handle a situation that require more strength than you have at that time without relying on the other partner in a marriage. In short, it seems like a form of insulation and of independence instead of interdependence.

Also, while I was still trying to find a way to reconcile my marriage, I found that I was telling more lies in trying to find a solution than I was when I had the affair to being with. You have to create a whole separate life. I couldn't let the books I was reading be found (though they were mostly on religion and divorce rather than affairs), so I started renting a locker at the gym to keep them in, and I'd read in the bathroom stall after working out. I stopped using my cell phone so that calls to my therapist wouldn't show up on the bill. I felt more and more isolated. This was, of course, magnified by the fact that whenever I worked up the courage to go to my H with the smallest problem, he was always read to help stuff me back into the perfect wife mold but wasn't actually willing to help change anything. But as it continued, what it led to for me was the realization that the sum wasn't greater than the individual parts. It was devastating.

Tantric I like your Tough Love Advice. I will have to give it a try.

OM in my life sporadically makes his appearance which makes me sick all over again with guilt so I agree with Jaded that you need to cut off all contact with your OM completely. Is he in the same town as you? If so, that may make it even harder to cut off contact. Best of luck!

Thanks for all of your support and words of wisdom. I do try very hard to put it out of my mind. Bury it deep so i can move on.

Red - funny you say about the cards for your H. I did the same thing. Stopped getting romantic-talks-about-a-lifetime-together type of cards. I sadly didnt even do anything for his last birthday. It was awful. He was hurt. I used the excuse too busy with work and the kids. I feel really badly about that now :( just that my heart wasnt in it. We've come quite a ways since the summer tho.

Eva- i too always believed M was the be all and end all. You were supposed to be able to be yourself and lean on each other. My H and i have had a few major life issues thruought our 17 yrs of M and have always been able to lean on each other and get thru it. That's what makes this so difficult. I cant lean on him for this and thats what makes it so hard. But i also cldnt subject him to devastation because of a wrong i did.

Tantric - im realizing anything truly worth havin is worth it. Thanks for your list!

DH - we live in the same small town and our kids go to the same school - 2 yrs apart tho. Thank God.

Isn't it amazing the similarities we can find in our experiences? I have been thinking that even though these things cause so much suffering, if you look at it from a purely factual standpoint, there are definite patterns found in everyone's stories. If we could make ourselves separate our emotions from all of it, we would see in no time what we should do.

Now that I am farther out from all the feelings, I am better able to hear others' stories objectively. I imagine this is what my friends felt like when they saw the road I was taking. I think you will get there. I hear it in your posts. You want to be happy with your family, so you will be.

Red - this is so true. I cant believe how many people are in similar situations. It does help to know we are not alone in this and its comforting to know someone understands what we're going thru.

I agree that if i take the feelings out of the equation and think just about the facts, i can also see things more clearly in other people's situations.

The heart is a funny thing. Very powerful.

Yes, the heart is a very funny thing and hates following orders. :-) But this is just a small post about the books. Reading books and articles is one of the things that has gotten me through all this, and the things I have read have really helped me with personal growth. I didn't want to leave the books around the house either, so I started ordering them online. You don't have to have a Kindle; you can read them on any computer. An added benefit is that they are a lot cheaper than hard copies!

Thanks quorazon. I really want to read the books. Never thought if that. If you don't mind me asking, how long has it been since you've had contact?

Damagedheart and Notmyself, The two you are so very welcome. I truly feel called to this group. I feel like I have done actual good.

2 days. :-) I am not capable of going NC with this person. Fortunately--or unfortunately--he lives in another state, so contact is mostly through email. We have known each other for many years, since we were in college, and were best friends before we were lovers. We got together last summer. He is involved with a psycho OW who is 10 years older and is a narcissist at the very least, probably has BPD. I am conflicted about him and also about my H, who is getting weirder as time goes by. H and I are good friends & roommates, but the guts--and the sex--have gone out the window. I read books and articles to try to understand the dynamics and the psychology that have created the messy situation. I have learned a lot and feel better that I at least *understand* the situation, even though I can't resolve it--yet.

Welcome and good luck to you. We are always here.

NotMyself, as some of you might know, my OM works with me so NC is not totally possible, but I broke it off and I am still keeping strong. For me I had to hit rock bottom before I could accept what I had done and get closure. Leaving was the hardest thing I had ever done, but I did it and you can too.

Each of us have our own path to follow, but I took a long hard look at who I was and what I needed. This made me see what I was getting out of my relationship with OM, but it also made me realise that it wasn't right. The feelings were very real, but not right.

I will never tell my H and I have put it behind me. Yes, it is a struggle everyday, but I look at my children and I want them to be proud of me. They deserve parents that stay together.

Maybe in a next post I will tell a little more of my H and M and why it still works. For now, I'll just say it might not be the right time to leave, you might not be ready to let go. The time will come, you will feel right leaving or you will be found out.

Until, then, stay mindful of what your needs are. Ultimately they will be your guide.

Quorazon - how do you feel your H is getting weirder? Would you say you and OM have an EA? Since he lives in another state there's no PA then? How long are you guys M? I know what it feels like when your H feels more like a roommate. Things got so much worse when i was involved in the A. I couldn't be in 2 relationships at the same time. Im just not wired that way. And i know i pulled away from my H emotionally. But with every day that passes of NC - or me at least not responding - bc OM has txted me again fri and today but i have deleted (yay me!!) and haven't spoken since last wed - i am reconnecting with my H and working past the roommates feelings.

Supercow
I dont know how you do it having to work w FOM. I give you credit! I can relate to what your saying and putting your children's needs first. It's my children that i think of too and that have pushed my back on track. I dont want to destroy my family. M is a lot of hard work and im realizing how much its all worth it. I dont know what came over me to have an A. My feelings for him were very real. I always said maybe in another lifetime....

Im looking forward to hearing more about your M. It's always helpful to hear other people's stories.

Geez i think i high jacked my own post LMAO!!

Hi there notmyself, I know its hard and feels impossible but the freedom you receive from NC is the key. In the last month I've felt honest again in my marriage. Completely closing the door on the OM is the only way. Lowing him to lurn on the fringes will never release you from this. Hope it helps dear, you arent alone in this :)