I think the best way to figure this out is for you to first tell us all you have done so far by way of helping her heal and working on yourself. Let's start there and maybe we can see if there are things you can do that you haven't yet tried.

Okay. I'll have to get back to you, as this is a busy weekend. I'm helping her do home improvement projects and setting up the house the way she wants it to be in the context of without me. Ironic, I know. I'm erasing my own existence. But, it's what she wants, and she needs my help, so...

Obviously I don't know you or her or what you have already tried, but I thought id try. Is she searching for empathy? Would telling her (often) that you can't even imagine how horrible it must be for her and you are sorry she has to keep visualizing that, and she is so strong for fighting through the pain to go on with her daily life help at all? I know I when I am having a hard time I just want someone to acknowledge my pain. To tell me I am justified in feeling that way. And someone to tell me I am strong and doing a good job. Tell her you wish you could take the pain away from her and carry it yourself.
How does she prefer to be loved? Quality time? Words of affirmation? Gifts? Touch is obviously out for a while. What does it for me is knowing that the person I love is thinking of me when we are apart and having them go out of their way to do something nice just for me. Even if she throws them all away, or acts like she doesn't like it, if this is how she needs to be loved I would do it. I would start leaving her little notes on her car, or in the book she is reading, or in her medicine cabinet. Put her favorite candy in her purse. Do a chore for her that you know she hates to do. Leave her favorite flowers, or something that always brings a smile to her face, at the door. Even if she isn't receptive, she will know you are trying and thinking of her and making her happiness your number one priority. Really put some thought into it. Always be one step ahead of her needs. And do them over and over. I could come up with a zillion things if you want to go this route.
Is she competitive? Does she need to know that she is better than the OW?
And also like Gabrielle said, work on yourself. Show her that you aren't the same man you were and you are striving to be better and to do more.
Thinking of you- hope today was a good day.

Pretty much all of the above except leaving her things. She has the house and has changed the locks. Mostly I've been doing home improvement, maintenance, and decorating projects with and for her. We have been talking a lot more lately, and it feels good, for both of us. I've been a lot more open with her about my emotions and listen to her express her pain. I'll do something good or nice, or just be comfortable around her and she's comfortable too. Today she said so and added, "This is so good, I just wish you hadn't had the damn affair." All I could answer was, "yeah, so do I." She started circling back on the "why" of the affair. There's the rationale I tried to explain shortly after D-day, but I want to be more thorough and sensitive than that. I'm still trying to work out the full "why" for myself. It's not as harsh or gross as she assumes it is. I'd like to see more replies to Cole's Fog Question on another thread.

Romance her!

But won't that seem like I'm just trying to win her back for my own purposes? I want to EARN her back. I'm just afraid that any overtly lovey thing I do will just tick her off and undo all the good that seeing her casually and being helpful has done. I already got her a Christmas present, and I'm terrible about waiting until Christmas to give presents.

But then, you're right. I never did anything romantic with the other woman and I made that as clear as I could, so she would have to know that it's just for her. Go for it?

I would go for it. If it is genuine and from the heart it will make an impression on her even if she doesn't really acknowledge it. If you see she is getting upset by it, back off again.
Does she want to know all the details? Maybe it will help her see it wasn't as bad as she is envisioning and maybe it would help.
As for why, I would stick with I was stupid and I messed up. True forgiveness is tough. I think, since you both seem to love each other so much that in time she will be able to forgive you, and you have to Give her lots of time, but it is going to be something she is going to think of everyday and wish didn't happen. Time seems to be the best remedy for that. Replacing those bad thoughts with new good thoughts of you. My therapist said to me that we needed to start right here. Agree to forget about the past and the future and just make the relationship work for right now.
My husband has been doing nice things for me a little now, and it usually pisses me off and seems to be not genuine, BUT, it shows me he is trying. And that is meaningful to me. And I would rather that than nothing.

Yes! Go for it. I am a total romantic!

Eons ago someone said to me that when the heard about an A they immediately had a mental image. That mental image became like a bad VCR tape that simply couldn't be erased and just played over and over again in their minds. The A wasn't in any way close to what they were envisioning but because they had that first mental image - they couldn't shake it. They saw it over and over again.

I agree with PAB133, try to replace the image with good ones. It can't hurt to try to do something special or romantic - and maybe you need to make it clear to her that you just don't want to win her back but rather earn her back. It should show her you are trying.

I know that despite my current situation I try with my husband all of the time. I try.....that's all I can do.

Onendone-
I'm the BS so from my point of view I say you will have to romance her but if it hasn't been long you are going to have to work around her triggers. I'm still working on mine and they are hugging and kissing. This is all he said they did but he said they both enjoyed the hugging. To me that is hers now. One day he just said will you please hug me and I felt a little nauseous but it did help to get over it a little. I still don't want to hug him I do it because how can you work on and have a marriage with no hugs and kisses? If you had a physical affair and went all the way I imagine her (you wife) pain is 10x worse than mine so I think you will have to start trying to date her. Stay away from all the stuff you did with the OW for now and do little things every now and again that SHE likes. Don't do to much to fast because it will seem fake and like you are pushing her. Go slow but you have to try to move forward if that is what you all are doing, it's just going to be at a snails pace. Also ask her if what you did made her uncomfortable. IF she says yes, say okay, maybe that was to soon and try something different.

Also I wanted to add we are a bit unstable too. On one had we want you all to show and prove you are sorry but on the other we don't want you all to think that because we show you a little love and affection that you are off the hook and can start acting like everything is normal. Or because we get caught up in how things use to be and laugh and joke that we are okay. Usually after a fun day it almost always end with why did he ruin this. Since we are working on moving forward I try to just shake it off and remove the thought but no matter how good my day ends when I crawl into bed all my happy is almost gone because all the stuff I know (and don't know) runs through my head at full speed. Then I get up and start this process all over again.

Here-hoping - Thank you so much. I keep clarifying that I don't want to win her back, but to EARN her back. I'm just afraid that if I do anything too grand, she'll think I'm trying to manipulate her. It's a tough balance, because I want to show her how much she means to me, but I don't want to scare her off.

It is a tough a tough balance and I understand you are trying to earn her back. Sometimes I feel sorry for my husband because he is trying but the thing you are working on is trust. That is the major issue needs to be earn and the only way that will happen is with time. I recognize what he and you are trying to do but it hard to accept it sometimes. All the nice things he does and he says he is staying away and not talking to her. We see no signs but we didn't before either, that is why it's so hard to get that trust back. We (me and your wife) have to decide if we want to try it again.

You don't want to not try anything either because then we will feel like your not trying. See I told you we are unstable. :) We really don't know what to do. But you seem to be on the right path. I like reading this and you all doing projects together. Ask her if she is willing to go to a movie or out to dinner (or whatever make her happy - bath & wine, massage, flowers etc). No strings attached. If she says no then she is not ready.

My husband panics when he thinks I'm trying to move on like he won't be here. He says but you said you would try and to please let me fix it. I want him to, I really do but it is hard to think about getting slapped in the face with this again.

we've re-become movie buddies. This season has a log of good ones coming out. Saturday we will see the second half of the hobbit, have Mongolian grill, and visit a pet rescue to meet an exotic Japanese puppy. She also wants me to hang a picture and give me a bookcase. I'm more than willing.

Hereishoping is giving great advice. I am so very glad that True Love seems to be truimphing!