I have been married about 6 years, and H has proven consistent
good character, I met the OM at a time of personal crisis...
he was charming, good-looking, athletic, intelligent,
and quickly became my very good friend, I almost immediately
developed this powerful crush on him, and no matter how delusional,
I just thought OM was the one. My marriage was good and stable, but
now I still will NOT get close with my H. My heart is cold to H.
Burs is right, that if I can not eventually love H again, I need to
throw him out of the boat for some other woman to catch. I have been
angry at OM, he has even expressed that he thinks the female population
in general is less than, not as good as men. In so many ways, you
all are probably getting tired of hearing about, the OM did NOT
display the good character that I personally would TRUST for
Happily Ever After.

Mildred, This guy sounds like an abuser! Has anything like this happened to you before? Have you been involved with guys like him in the past? Because I hate to seem dense, but I just don't get it! Seems like you know that this guy is a prize jerk, yet you continue to long for him!

Cliche question! Were you abused as a child? Another cliche remark. It seems like you have some self-esteem issues. A few suggestions that might help. Concentrate on the things about you that are positive. List your good traits. Spend time doing things that you enjoy. Make a Life Plan that is JUST FOR YOU! Make sure your actions support your stated goals!

I know how you feel. Seems like you are stuck on pause! A time of great personal crisis can really run a number on a person! Why is heart cold towards your H? Did he do something to hurt you deeply?

No, my H did nothing to hurt me, it's my own fault I feel cold to him,
because I gave my heart to another for a year. You are right....
about these amazing questions. Why am I attracted to a guy that treated
me in those ways, when I have an otherwise good life and H.
Well, actually my first two, long-term boyfriends were MUCH more like
OM. They emotionally abused me, and dumped me. Is this my type, that
I gravitated toward, even after marriage? I hope not.
However, In a lot of ways.... I think that I'm attracted
to getting approval that is hard to obtain. I grew up in a family
that was very SNOBBY and I grew used to having to work extra
to obtain a nod of approval from my family members.

Ahhh, now the answers begin to emerge, ever so slowly and delicately, with Love and Care the layers are pulled back! Here is something else that I feel I may be able to help you with. This is a decision I have made myself. I was also emotionally abused as a child, and in my first marriage as well. I have decided, and this is important, NOT TO BASE ON MY LIFE ON THE ABUSE BUT ON WHAT I AM GOING TO ABOUT THE ABUSE, BECAUSE OF THE ABUSE!

And this is some of what I am going to do. Supporting and reaching out to others. I am also considering writing a self-help book for disabled women who are emotionally abused and how to get out after I have gotten out! I am mostly planning on finding a way to LEAVE MY HIGHLY EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE HUSBAND AND MAKE A LIFE FOR MYSELF!

You can do it, you are stronger than you think!

My OM is not abusive, but very controlling. I grew up in a controlling family. I remember when I turned 16 and I ran off with my aunt to get my hair cut w/o my parent's permission. My mother didn't talk to me that whole week and when I had a tooth pulled that weekend I was bleeding badly so she had me get out of the car and left me on the side of the road while she drove to the store to get more tissue for my mouth. I sat out there for over an hour because she decided to grocery shop. The point being she was pissed at me because of the hair and wanted to teach me a lesson. I knew it then and understood.

My OM treated me in a very similar way. I was staying with him during the week... he came home and I was cooking him dinner. It was a complicated dish and when he came in I told him hi and to give me a minute. He stood and waited for several minutes and then went to his room. As soon as I was done and had everything cooking, I went to go cuddle on him. He ignored me the majority of the night and refused to eat what I cooked. Then later that night he told me he was angry that I didn't great him at the door and made me sleep on the couch w/ the cats... (I'm allergic). He'd also tell me when I could go out, where I was allowed to go, what I was allowed to do, etc.

But you know what... as much as I hated that kind of backwards attempt to control I always allowed it to work. I begged him to forgive me and was happy when he let me sleep on the floor in the bedroom that night. You'd think I want to be treated that way. Sometimes I believe that I do like it. Somewhere love and being controlled got mixed up in my brain.

Pixie, What a crummy thing for your mother to do to you, her precious baby! YOU AND MILDRED ARE TOO GOOD, TOO SMART FOR THIS! Be a friend to yourselves!

THE PAST IS THE PAST! YOU CAN MAKE IT BETTER!

Not crummy, just unnecessary. I never questioned if she loved me, lol. I grew up under a lot of supervision and always had very tangible punishment for disobeying. I never learned the art of negotiation or debating until much much later in life. At home, the only choice was to live by the rules or sneak and hide if you wanted to do something against them. lol Funny but I sure didn't rebel like some teens. I thought I was quite daring just getting my hair cut 3 inches shorter, I couldn't imagine doing anything like dying my hair or wearing some of the clothes I saw other teens wear at school. :) Heck, I wasn't even allowed to wear lipstick or shave my legs until I was 16/17... my Junior year and even then only special circumstances like prom.

You know, I hate it because I can already imagine being the same way to my kids... hopefully I'll be better should that day ever arrive.

As Tina Turner, Whitney Houston, or some other Diva that can make
a lot of singing would say, What does love have to do with it?
Who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken?
What is love, except a second-hand emotion?
Cheaters, I ask you, out of sincere curiousity,
do you cheat because you love, or as ms. moon with
her analytical nature, has questioned, Is it other
emotional issues that you have failed to deal with??

OK, Sisters, JOINING HAND TIME, LET'S TELL THOSE BOYS TO BEND OVER! ONE...TWO...THREE...KICK THEM TO THE CURB! PHASERS SET TO KILL! NEVER MIND THE STUN SETTING!

Mildred, I am worried about you, how are you doing?