I would give yourself more time. It takes work from both sides and the willingness to do the work. I used to think that love should come naturally and that you shouldn't have to make yourself love someone. Boy was I wrong about that. The love is still there, it just needs waking up by doing things that will bring the chemistry and the connection back.
I just watched the movie Fireproof. If you get a chance to, watch it and you will learn a lot about what will help you get there.

Milred, do you think what you are doing is fair?

Do you think it is fair to take advantage of a gentleman because he truly loves you? Because he doesnt know? Because you can do what you want to and still go back where you are safe and loved and protected? I am not cheater bashing honey but you need to wake up. If you do not love him then let him go ... you go. Let him find some one that will appreciate him and love him. Stop making your problems his without him even knowing it.

Yay, Sis Burs4Ever! And as a Betrayed Spouse, I beg you to think about what Burs is saying! Don't want to give you details, you have enough stuff to deal with, but unfortunately, my STBX's Cheating was simply one more thing in his long history of emotionally abusing me!

Be a strong, good person! You were strong enough to end it! YOU CAN DO THIS! have you considered therapy?

I don't completely agree with all the above posts, but they are aspects to consider. When I first read this post my impression was that you are hurting. You've been rejected and in response you've built walls around your heart to protect yourself temporarily while you heal the emotional damage.

It's easier to shut out all feelings than it is to accept what you feel and deal with possibilities that you never wanted to consider. It's even more difficult because you've done things you are ashamed of and now you question why it even began with in the first place.

Before you can feel love again you are going to have to accept what you've lost as well as find the love for yourself to forgive. Therapist, friend, whatever, but keep talking about it and how your are feeling. Something many don't consider is that before you need to worry about working on your marriage, you've got to work on yourself. :)

What has been done in months and years can't be undone in hours or days.

You've told us how you feel about your husband and you've shared how you feel about your OM. Now share if you can what you feel about yourself.

Pixie, You are right! WHAT A JOURNEY I HAVE TAKEN SINCE I HAVE BEEN COMING TO DAILY STRENGTH! But I would just like to add, that Self-Responsibility and Self-Accountability are important!

Your boat is rocking Mildred. Not because of rough seas but, inside your boat you have reeled in 2 fish. One that is beautiful, you look at it in awe, it has you transfixed. It flops and twitches and tears your skin open with its fins but it is still beautiful no matter how much blood it draws. The other fish, the one you reeled in first, is just there. Nothing glorious about em, but he is happy just to be there with you. He doesnt compare to the beautiful fish. He is calm, he has accepted his fate, he CHOOSE to be there. Every flop and twitch of the beauitful fish cut gashes in him but he doesnt feel it. He doesnt know it is happening. Both fish just want to be in the boat with you. I would dump that distructive fish in the water and enjoy a a pleasent, sunny day on the river with the fish that is happy just to be with me. If that isnt enough, then toss that one in the water too. Let it go free for someone else to catch. Go fishing again till you get what you are fishing for.

I am sorry if I am making this sound simple. Most of us dont have the option.

I can only say from my own situation that it is not a good feeling when you find out that your SO was not in love with you. That they just used you as a matter of convenience until they figured out what they wanted to be when they grew up.

Please forgive me if that is not the support that you are looking for.

Burs4ever, even though I have sensed the contention you have for me,
all of your replies have been perceptive and helpful.

Mildred, Be the kind of person you want your children to be! Burs4Ever, I am so proud of you, and Pixie gave good advice as well. If I am getting this wrong, I apologize Pixie and Burs, but it kind of seems like they are both advising to "Know Thyself!" I would like to say that I think that is an excellent idea!

But nevertheless, speaking as someone who is a Betrayed Spouse and is weary of the two and a half decades of emotional abuse my STBX has heaped on me, I can say, Mildred, that having a broken heart is miserable! So, support for that from me to you!

Not to be offensive, but it sucks eggs and absolutely stinks to be broken-hearted! You know what, folks, there is really no nice way to say some things, and I guess there is nothing nice to say about heartbreak! But you will get through and it will get better!

When you are alone, let yourself cry! Take your time, be patient with yourself!

I don't have any children.
For a year,
the OM made me believe that he
loved me so MUCH,
was my best friend in the whole world, and wanted to
marry me...
he was the love of my life.... but he started dating another person,
even though he said he still loved me,
my heart couldn't take it, so I broke-up,
I still cry almost every day,
even though it was an affair, it was still a relationship,
that I truly believed was very important to me and him,
he thought it was OK to see this other person,
because I never got a divorce, and he just thought
it was OK to look and flirt with other women,
For the time we were together... he was loyal to me...
and for the year we were together... I was only
sleeping with him, and living with him.
So, yes, I am heartbroken, because as wrong as it was,
it was... a real relationship.
I don't know if I should get a divorce, and hope
things work out between the OM someday over the rainbow,
OR if I should work things out
with H.
I DO trust the H. He has never cheated. He has not verbally abused
me. He has been good to me. He consistently cares about me.
H is not as handsome, athletic, and charming, and flashy as OM,
but he is OK, and he is also not as flirtatious, moody, and
confusing as OM.
This is a storm.

Mildred, I am glad that you understand how this damages an innocent heart. I am in a complicated situation on these boards because I am not really a cheater I am an OW but I am ALSO a betrayed woman. Most people say I got what I deserved for having believed a MM in the first place. I know all too well how that "affair" becomes a "relationship". I know how, no matter what is going on back at the house, when you are with him, he is all that you want. When I found out mine was married one of my first attempts at retaliation was to see another man that I had previously been involved with. For a while that was OK with him, it was even OK with my pervious friend because he was non-committal in the first place. This went on for about a year then the MM asked me to not see the OM anymore. I couldnt bare that another man was touching what he considered his property. I told him that was a double standard. That he had someone else in his life that he went home to every night and that I should be allowed to do the same. Basically, we were BOTH cheating on someone. Again, he told me that there was no physical relationship with him and his wife and that his heart was breaking because I could do that to him. He begged me to stop seeing the OM. I did. My point here is that the OM in your life may have the same reasoning going on. That YOU have someome else, why shouldnt he. I don't like this OM of yours in the first place and that may be what you are feeling from me. I see his personality as someone that is using you and taking advantage of your attraction to him. He does not sound like a "good guy" and the more you adore him the more he is going to hurt you. It also concerns me that you are not "into" your husband and that he is going to be extremly hurt when the SHTF (shit hits the fan) and it doesnt sound like he deserves that. I hope the best for you. I hope you make good decisions about this and are strong enough to get though the pain of those decisions. Best wishes to you. burs

mildred, you said one thing with which i agree above all else.

this is a storm.

i can't answer if your marriage is salvagable, and i dont think anyone but you can, since they are always a case by case thing; however, i can tell you about of the few of the things i'm going through and hope they help provide direction for answering that question.

first off, trust. now, everyone instantly thinks about the betrayed spouse and can he ever trust you again, but that's not what i want to touch. do you trust your H? will you be able to trust your H with knowledge of the affair? if not, why? is there anything that could be done to bring your trust to that level? because if you cannot trust him and you keep it all inside, it will be very hard to forgive yourself, and it will fester.

second, are you capable of forgiving yourself? if you go through the rest of your life believing that you deserve to suffer and that you are a horrible person, then your marriage will probably be poisoned. we're all so used to hearing that an affair is the ultimate betrayal and unforgivable, but that isn't entirely true. it's INEXCUSABLE, not unforgivable. it's not something you can pass the buck on or blame on someone else, but it is something that you can take responsibility for, accept forgiveness for, and grow after.

last, that question of love. i ask myself every day do i love my H. the answer is to that is always yes, but the answer to "am i in love with my H?" is always no. "in love" is a feeling, "love" is a choice. it IS possible to fall back "in love" with your husband, and many many women have done it and rekindled a beautiful marriage. i'm not there yet and don't know if i ever will be, so all i can offer in this area is encouragement to seek out a woman who has gone through this and survived and to talk to a therapist.

it truly is a storm.

LadyofMany, very good advice.
Mildred. It will take time to rebuild a relationship with your H. Lady is right, love is a choice, 'in-love' is an emotion which comes and goes. You have to make a choice about what you want to do, but also to be fair to your H, you should be honest with him and let him make his own choice about what he wants.
There is no easy answer here and no matter what you do there will be some heartache and it will take time to feel happy again.

Thank you everyone, and Burs thank-you that you don't like my OM,
I find comfort from that because the OM broke my heart.
Truthfully, if I had of known OM was conceited, arrogant, very
critical, verbally abusive, selfish, womanizing, self-centered,
gossipy and controlling, and worst of all emotionally-abusive,
No, I would not have let him have broken this heart of mine,
I feel as though I am angry at OM, Ironically, because the
H was so consistently good to me and adoring for so many years,
and because I had nice parents, good life etc. I had NO WALLS on my
heart... I just thought the world was flowers and cupcakes, not
really, but you get the drift... well NOW, MY heart is going
to have walls.... no heathcliff is going to be causing trouble
in my neighborhood, some guys need to be shipped to a foreign
island labeled jerks, creeps, and losers.

Oh, Mildred, reading your posts you DEEP SORROW AND PAIN SHOWS THROUGH! But if you were my Dear Friend, my Sister, I would say this to you! "I think you know that is over with the Other Man! He has treated you badly! You deserve better. Your Husband is a good man. Go to therapy to help you make up your mind about whether or not you want to stay in your marriage, but don't leave because of the vain hope that the Other Man will come back to you> Make your life about you!"

Not to be too personal, but what kind of a man is your H? Why did you cheat? What was your marriage like?