Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I would love to hear from any of you from the straying point of view.
My H cheated on me, an 8 month E and P affair with a girl half his age from work. He claims that I was always an incredible wife, mother, lover and friend. But he had lost a couple of jobs, had been out of work for a long time, I had been supporting the family, and he claims he "felt like a loser". So three weeks into his new job, he took up with miss half-his-age. She made it easy for him - thought she could get ahead f'ing the boss and she loved feeling powerful over him and around their co-workers with her dirty little secret.
Now we have been trying to "rebuild" for almost a year -- and we struggle time and again with him saying "he can't deal with my pain".
If I'm upset, or get triggered, or I wake up in the middle of the night crying -- he just retreats, avoids, shuts down. Most of the time I just try not to be upset in front of him, but it does happen sometimes. And when I purposely go hide to cry it doesn't make me feel loving toward him -- it just makes me feel alone.
When I am upset and he avoids me, I can't take how much it hurts. It makes me lash out with rage and anger and I say things that I shouldn't. A few times I have thrown things at him, or slammed doors, or other angry behavior.
When I tell him how I feel -- that when I'm upset and he ignores me, that I feel SO abandonded-unloved-betrayed-etc. he always says the same thing "I just can't handle it when you're upset".
But he's the one that made me so upset?!?!
Any insight as to how to stop this cycle of pain would be welcomed.
Hugs,
Morgan
My H cheated on me, an 8 month E and P affair with a girl half his age from work. He claims that I was always an incredible wife, mother, lover and friend. But he had lost a couple of jobs, had been out of work for a long time, I had been supporting the family, and he claims he "felt like a loser". So three weeks into his new job, he took up with miss half-his-age. She made it easy for him - thought she could get ahead f'ing the boss and she loved feeling powerful over him and around their co-workers with her dirty little secret.
Now we have been trying to "rebuild" for almost a year -- and we struggle time and again with him saying "he can't deal with my pain".
If I'm upset, or get triggered, or I wake up in the middle of the night crying -- he just retreats, avoids, shuts down. Most of the time I just try not to be upset in front of him, but it does happen sometimes. And when I purposely go hide to cry it doesn't make me feel loving toward him -- it just makes me feel alone.
When I am upset and he avoids me, I can't take how much it hurts. It makes me lash out with rage and anger and I say things that I shouldn't. A few times I have thrown things at him, or slammed doors, or other angry behavior.
When I tell him how I feel -- that when I'm upset and he ignores me, that I feel SO abandonded-unloved-betrayed-etc. he always says the same thing "I just can't handle it when you're upset".
But he's the one that made me so upset?!?!
Any insight as to how to stop this cycle of pain would be welcomed.
Hugs,
Morgan
Eventually we (I) learned to change the pattern. I had to speak calmly and tell him I was not going to start a fight. If I felt myself getting upset and intense I had to calm myself down and assure him I wasn't going to get angry and that I just wanted to talk. If I would start to cry I would ask him to hold me and he would. After a while it got better and better. We don't talk about it much anymore. We are over the hump so to speak. He still regularly tells me how sorry he is and how much he appreciates my forgiveness. The great thing is that it comes at unexpected times. Not when I am sad, but when we are having a good time. We will be talking and laughing about something and he will put his hand to my cheek and look into my eyes and with true sincerity tell me how grateful he is for my love and forgiveness. I have found that those spontaneous moments mean more to me than the times when I am expressing my hurt and he apologizes which is to be expected.
I was always like rel though. If he walked away I would follow him. I never let him off so easily. Once he got in the car and drove away and I followed him.
We managed to have a few good days by me just hiding my real feelings/my pain/my sorrow -- but as you know, it's a truly rough road to travel.
Ibex - I wish I could do that, it sounds like a good idea. Maybe at some point in the future when the mind-numbing bone-crushing staggering pain subsides.
I am just trying to understand... We're past the blame game. At this stage in our rebuilding, blaming him for how awful I sometimes feel is totally missing the point. If I lash out anger every time he bares his deepest feelings about the A I couldn't expect him to stand there listening to me rant. Actually, when he starts getting wordy, I get quiet...
My husband took a long time to even show he was sorry. Then again he had the drug problem. So we were dealing with that issue before we even started on this Infidelity thing. I hope that things get better for both of you. HUGS!