I think that only time stops the cycle. I feel like I want to shake your husband by the shoulders and tell him to let you cry and get mad. It was very hard for me at first, too, because her crying and anger made me feel like I didn't know what to do.

The other night my wife was yelling at me and crying while hitting me over and over again with a dish towel. It didn't hurt, but I'm thinking, "What the fuck? Does it ever end?" I just took it.

My bigger problem is that my wife was bitchy and unloving before the affair, and now she's becoming bitchy and unloving again. But that's another story.

Maybe he would have a better understanding of what your going through if you ask him how he would feel if you were the one who cheated on him. Ask him if he would be over it in a short amount of time. He needs to understand that it takes a lot of time to heal from something that hurt so deeply. It's not like you have a choice to be able to just one day say hey, I think I'm done feeling this pain because it makes my H uncomfortable and makes him feel bad for being the one who hurt me. It's a process and you don't have control over it.
Like Alyosha says, he probably doesn't know what he can do to make you feel better. It happened and he can't change it so it's frustrating him to not be able to fix it for you. The only thing he can do is ride it out with you and comfort you when you need him to hold you and tell you that your in this healing together.

Morgan the cycle of pain will always be there... but you cannot endure it alone. It will only dissipate with time and support.

You have to tell him what you want him to do. As aka said, HE doesn't know what to do. Retreat is his most comfortable option when the pain is on the table.

You're reaction is also important in getting him to sit and talk with you. I believe in warning them that a discussion is imminent. Lay some ground rules... no yelling, no pointing fingers, truth...

I know that for me, talking helped me get over the initial pain and anger My questions after the pain and anger faded somewhat are more centered on helping me understand the whole ordeal. We can now talk about it and drop it. But I am over the most painful stage... Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days and these are the times I tell him point blank "I'm having a bad day". He knows now that he has to turn toward me, not away.

It sounds like you're stuck in that painful stage and you can't do it alone... You have to stress those feelings of resentment when he can't face the problems that HE created. At this point in the game it's not about him... IT'S ABOUT YOU...

I firmly believe that when a spouse will not help the betrayed, it stops the healing process. He is not validating your feelings about this and it leaves you stuck and struggling. You can only do it together, you have to be on the same page when it comes to rebuilding.

Morgan, it's just hard and very confusing, and some days it is very hit and miss. It's a Catch 22 for us. Instinct tells you when someone is coming at you with a knife in their hand, screaming invective, to move out of the way, it tells you that if someone is lying on the ground like a bag full of broken bones and you touch them they scream -- not to touch them; it tells you when someone tells you you're a worthless pile of crap, a stranger, and a threat, that is not the time to kiss them. The whole thing is counter-intuitive.

In fact it's insane but necessary. It's very hard to do.

{obviously, I'm using a lot of hyperbole to make my point}

Emotional Unavailability isn't a lack of emotion, it is protection against making further mistakes. A lot of us feel toxic, and on bad days, like anything we do will just make things worse and worse. Like forgiveness on the part of the betrayed, emotional support in the face of rejection is a leap of faith. It tales time to get there ...

I totally understand your point Yorick but the words "I'm so sorry I did this to you" during the times of most distress mean the world to us. It softens our feelings and our hearts and let's us believe in the person we believe you were, are and could be...

Aka - thanks for your suggestion. I tried that with him this morning. He listened, but as always, didn't have much to say in response.

I appreciate everyone that wrote back to me, it really does help me try and see things from the other side.

I feel like I HAVE told him what I need...I made a list the week of Dday, we discuss it all the time in therapy, I have re-sent him the list many times over the last year. The things I asked for on the list seem pretty simple to me but he is unable/unwilling/un??? to do what I need.

The therapists tell him SO CLEARLY what to do, but he doesn't do it. Then he beats himself up for not doing. It's like self-sabotage so he can make sure to feel bad about himself.

I have told him so many times that I would like him to hug me or comfort me or just sit with me and stroke my hair when I'm upset. But he just runs away and then I feel alone and unloved -- and then I get angry because I feel stupid for staying with him and I get mad at myself and then really mad at him.

One time I was actually on the kitchen floor, crying hysterically, (the OW had contacted me and been incredibly cruel) and he literally, physically, stepped over me as I lay on the floor in heaving sobs and went upstairs and never came back down the rest of the night.

I truly feel now that if our marriage ends, it won't be because of the A, because now I have some perspective on why it happened. If our marriage ends, it will be because of his behavior since the A - not being there for me, his own lack of faith, being so rolled in his ball of shame that he can't consider me or my feelings.

Thanks again,

Morgan

Rel8 - good point and I totally agree!

I wish my H could understand that when he shares his true feelings with me - then it softens my heart and I feel compassion for him and our situation.

When he shuts off from me, it takes me right back to the A - the ultimate shut off from me.

I'm so sorry for your anguish Morgan... There comes a time when the cheat has to realize it's not about them and their feelings of guilt and shame. Those things have to take a backseat until true healing begins. After that happens you can deal with their feelings together but right now... it's all about you and getting you over that hump.

As far as the kitchen floor incident goes... I'm a follower. I myself would have followed him upstairs and given him the "address me or I'm out" speech. We have had many of those in the early stages of figuring this out...

I agree that the kitchen floor incident was totally heartless! Has he always been like that? How did he react in the past when you needed him to be there for you?

Aka - No, he was never like that. He was always the kindest, sweetest, most attentive husband. The one all my were girlfriends were envious of. On my birthday when it was time to make a wish and blow out the candle, I was always say that I thought I was too lucky already to wish for anything more.

Then, he lost his job and was unable to find work for a long time and convinced himself that he was a loser. I knew he was depressed about not working but we were in therapy and I thought I was doing everything I could.

I never imagined my good guy husband would even flirt with a girl - nonetheless have a long sexual affair.

But she made him feel important, or so he says, so here we are.

Now I think he feels like he hurt me so badly that it will never be the same, and he just hides in his ball of shame.

I miss the old version of him - that guy was so sweet and loving. This guy is just angry, frustrated, full of shame and rage - hating himself for what he did to himself and to all of us that love him. Hating himself for not treasuring that very special bond that we had. And hating himself for not realizing the effects that his A would have on his life.

Keep telling him that you want to be back to that couple that you once were. Have you thought about renewing your vows? I think renewing vows would be a great way to start fresh and help you both.

I'm not saying it can't be done, by the way, I'm saying it is incredibly hard to do. Personally, I don't run away anymore, I sit and listen, I try to be supportive, and not get defensive. Yet, half the time we circle back to the same place, the same conversation, and the same problems -- and sometimes (not frequently) right back onto the battlefield. I'm human, not superman. I can change and have changed -- but I, for one, cannot turn and change direction on a dime. I wish I could and I try -- but sometimes, the machinery just shuts down. I keep trying ...

{My wife, by the way, is very reasonable about this, but resentful at the same time. I guess irt's not a Catch 22 so much as a Catch 44}

Your husband can't and won't be able to help you until he can confront his own behavior and emotions. Telling him all day long what he should do obviously isn't working and it's making him feel worse for continuing to fail. He sounds like he's in a mess of emotions followed by his emotional defense of denial.

He can't help you and you can't help him. lol Rebuilding reminds me of two blind men leading each other across a street.

What saved our relationship in the end was a year seperation where we could heal and after it was over we decided we still loved each other and wanted to consider rebuilding. I haven't really heard of many others taking that approach. I cheated for six plus years though and it was difficult for me to change my behavior while trying to comfort my SO. He actually is alot happier now too, but like you said... he had to go through healing alone. I couldn't be there for him like he wanted and the several times I tried it always seemed to further fuel the fires rather than help.

Morgan I know just what you are talking about. My H didn't lose his job, but he ended up in some kind of mid-life crisis that has rocked his world. He began to question and suspect everything and came to the conclusion that he was no more than an ATM to his family and he wasn't wanted or needed by us for any other reason. We always loved him and wanted him, but he shut himself off the worse he felt about himself.

Along comes "Miss 12 Years Younger" at work and all of her problems and he feels like a "man" again. He feels like he "matters".

We spend so much time talking about how he can't handle what he has done to me and how I deserve better than him. He doesn't know why I love him and how I could ever forgive him. He can't handle it when I cry and he is ridden with guilt. He thinks this will go on forever and there is no way he can deal with that.

What he doesn't understand is it is how he is behaving since d-day that is affecting me the most. The affair is a smaller part of it.

I am really getting tired of having my forgiveness thrown back in my face. It is as if I now feel guilty for forgiving him.

Sometimes it is like he can't hate himself like he wants to and be with me because I have forgiven him. But he can be the pig he thinks he is and be with her because she only knows the cheater.

I told him, "I don't deserve someone better; I deserve better from you!"

Morgan,

You and your H both know that the affair is his fault and you are hurt. But, now you know that if you cry and blame him for the way he is feeling, he is going to freeze up emotionally and you're getting know where. So, try something different. You can't change your emotions, but you can change how you react to them. Take ownership of them. Tell yourself and your H that you are having trouble getting over the affair, this is not his fault but yours. If you back off from blaming him, he then won't have to retreat. You can share the hurt. My husband has done this many times, where he blames himself for not being able to forget or for making me feel bad by bringing it up once again. When he is not attacking me, 'it's your fault I am feeling so bad', then I can more easily comfort him and apologize. It is just human nature to get defensive when you are being cornered...even if you deserve it.