Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I am probably not thinking clearly right now, which is why I came searching for this kind of a board. My husband and I have so many problems. We are just not very compatible. He is very task-oriented. He has a list in his brain of everything that needs to get done, and that list is never-ending. There is ALWAYS something to be done and we are very busy people. I, on the other hand, am just looking to relax. I want him to lay down with me and hold me and kiss me and have some romance with me. But, we don't have time for that. We just finished moving and there are still boxes to be put away. Our Christmas decorations are not up yet. The laundry is endless because we have 5 kids. There are always dishes to do and meals to make and errands to run. He works all the time and when he isn't working he is home doing homework and I am cleaning up and taking care of the kids. At the end of the day we are so exhausted that we pass out. He always wants to stay up really late getting things done and then get up really early to start our day and it has left me so fatigued that I can't even think some days. I yell at my kids all the time because I am so tired and angry. Last night, two of my kids were up every hour. My husband never gets up with the kids and I really don't expect him to because I am a stay at home mom and he has to get to work in the morning. But, that means I didn't sleep well. My husband yelled at me because he had to ask me 3 times to get out of bed and I kept falling back to sleep. I'm exhausted and angry at him all the time.
We have also had issues of him keeping in contact with a girl he used to date. About a year ago he contacted her after we had been fighting and tried to convince her that he was still in love with her and that she needed to be ready for him when he and I split up. He told me that he was just really upset and thought I was going to divorce him, so he was leaving his options open because he doesn't want to be alone. I told him I wouldn't tolerate him keeping in contact with her and that was all that was really said about it. A few days ago I found that he still has her number and texts her occasionally, he just changed her name in his phone. I don't really see how divorce would help me, it would just leave me a single mom of 5 kids unable to provide for them and never getting married again because, honestly, who in the world is going to date a single mother of 5?
At this point, I keep thinking that maybe I should just find someone to keep my options open with as well... I want an out, like he has. I want someone who makes me feel beautiful and wanted and cared about. My husband is not the affectionate type. He is when we have sex (which is maybe once a month, if we get around to it) but he doesn't even know what to do. I try to kiss him or hug him and he smacks my hands away or pulls away from my face. When he realizes he is flinching, he'll hurry and give me a quick peck on the lips and tell me it tickles when I hug him or something like that. I am just sick of feeling this way. I'm tired of being unwanted and pressured to be constantly moving or I am going to get yelled at and made to feel like I am lazy. I just want someone who can love me the way I am... surely someone would love me. I just wish I would have married THAT guy.
We have also had issues of him keeping in contact with a girl he used to date. About a year ago he contacted her after we had been fighting and tried to convince her that he was still in love with her and that she needed to be ready for him when he and I split up. He told me that he was just really upset and thought I was going to divorce him, so he was leaving his options open because he doesn't want to be alone. I told him I wouldn't tolerate him keeping in contact with her and that was all that was really said about it. A few days ago I found that he still has her number and texts her occasionally, he just changed her name in his phone. I don't really see how divorce would help me, it would just leave me a single mom of 5 kids unable to provide for them and never getting married again because, honestly, who in the world is going to date a single mother of 5?
At this point, I keep thinking that maybe I should just find someone to keep my options open with as well... I want an out, like he has. I want someone who makes me feel beautiful and wanted and cared about. My husband is not the affectionate type. He is when we have sex (which is maybe once a month, if we get around to it) but he doesn't even know what to do. I try to kiss him or hug him and he smacks my hands away or pulls away from my face. When he realizes he is flinching, he'll hurry and give me a quick peck on the lips and tell me it tickles when I hug him or something like that. I am just sick of feeling this way. I'm tired of being unwanted and pressured to be constantly moving or I am going to get yelled at and made to feel like I am lazy. I just want someone who can love me the way I am... surely someone would love me. I just wish I would have married THAT guy.
(1) You have legitimate reasons to be dissatisfied with your marriage.
(2) Having an affair will make things worse, not better.
If your husband is indeed planning an "exit strategy", and you do have an affair, he will use that against you when it comes to the terms of the divorce. You may lose out on shared assets and alimony. You will also likely be faced with less favorable custody arrangements than you would have otherwise.
Another practical thing to consider is this: There are men who are willing to have an affair with a married woman who has five kids. There are also men who are willing to have an open and honest relationship with a single woman who has five kids. They are NOT, however, the same men. Any man who wants an illicit relationship with you is probably looking to hook up with a desperate woman who has everything to lose if he feels like taking the upper hand. This is not meant to be a poor reflection on you; please do not think for one moment that I'm saying that you won't be able to attract anyone except jerks. I'm simply saying that if you go looking for a dishonest relationship, you will find it only with dishonest people.
There is also emotional fallout to consider. Even if you feel that an affair is justified, you will suffer guilt as a result of it. An affair is a major lie, and a lie that big will have a profound effect on you. It will not only taint your relationship with your husband, but likely with your kids as well.
I notice that nowhere in your post to you say whether you love your husband. If you do, then it is my opinion that you must fight for your marriage. He needs to realize that you feel he doesn't love you, that your marriage is on the verge of collapse, and that you want to work on solutions. Then, suggest going to a marriage counselor. If he accepts, then there is still hope; if he refuses, then the success of your marriage is far less likely. Either way, you should probably visit a marriage counselor on your own; it will help to have that perspective.
If you don't love your husband anymore, then it may be time to end the marriage, whatever the consequences. If you do decide to end your marriage, I suggest that you look a little deeper into whether or not he might be having an affair of his own; it will put you in a better position if and when you go to court. Don't worry about how you'll manage as a single mother of five; from what you say, it probably can't get much harder than it is now. Don't worry about whether you'll find someone else; again, from what you say, you may be better off alone than with your current husband.
Right now, you have something important to cling to: the moral high ground. You have upheld your end of your marriage vows. You have honor and integrity. Throwing that away would be the worst possible thing you could do.
So that you know where this advice is coming from: I am someone who had an emotional affair. At the time it was going on, I justified it in every possible way. It has been a year and a half since my wife discovered it and it ended, and I have lived with the guilt and regret of my actions every day since then. My wife is a remarkable woman who forgave me and offered her trust to me again. I have yet to forgive myself, and it may be that I never will.
Please, don't do that to yourself. Look around this message board and see the grief that is brought to people on all sides of an affair. You sound like a good person to me. Don't throw that away.
Your H needs to understand that you are not him. If he wants to be constantly busy and buzzing around that is his choice but not yours. Tell him you need some down time to relax and unwind. Tell him you are exhausted. Tell him it is not fair to expect you to bounce out of bed at the crack of dawn like he does when you have been up all night with the kids while he has been snoozing away. Tell him that he needs to stop implying that you are lazy just because you don't move at his pace. Tell him you need some love and romance. Tell him it makes you feel neglected and rejected when he slaps your hands away or pulls away when you try to show him affection. Tell him that you and your marriage need some attention and love. Its not just about kids, home and work. Your relationship needs to fit into the picture somewhere.
With everything you have going on when would you have time to have an affair anyway?
An affair never solves anything.
1. You and your husband have very different personalities. That is not always a bad thing. My husband and I are also polar opposites in how we solve problems, our personalities in dealing with other people, and how we handle our children. But that is what makes us good partners because we balance each other.
2. You married this person for a reason. Assuming that you had a pretty good idea of what kind of person your husband was when you married him, and that you didn't marry him after only knowing for a very short period of time, you chose this person to be your spouse. As Dr. Laura says, you don't pet an elephant and expect it to start purring like a kitten. If you knew your husband was this way when you married him, the way he functions etc., then you can not complain about it now. You chose to accept him the way he is. Granted, our spouses can do some pretty annoying things, but there's no sense in trying to change a person after you marry just because you now hope for something different. That's not fair to him, nor would you want someone treating you that way.
3. With both of you thinking along the lines of "I want to keep my options open" you're never going to work on your marriage. All of your energies, attention, and affection will be given to someone else other than the person for whom it was meant: your spouse. I tried to hold on my OM throughout the time that I was attending marital counseling and working on my marriage thinking that maybe I might have someone if I was divorced. The entire time, I was not devoted to rebuilding my marriage. I only became wholly committed to working on my marriage when I finally gave up my OM and gave up the notion of having someone on the side. You can't rebuild a marriage while you have one foot out the door. You will always be in the mindframe that you might leave.
I didn't have a physical affair. My OM wanted to start a physical affair and I considered it. I do remember one very important conversation I had with my husband. I told him honestly, "This is how bad our marriage has become. I am considering having an affair." That conversation is what saved me from crossing over from an EA to a PA. Once I was honest with my husband about how I was feeling then we really started to move forward in changing our lives together.
You sound a lot like my husband and myself just before I began my EA. We were no longer functioning as husband and wife, more like unmarried, uninterested roommates sharing an apartment, and I was beginning to vie for the affections of other men to get my needs met. You can have a healthy relationship again and work out your problems. I think these things will help you.
1. Go to marital counseling. And you both need to address the issue of him having this female friend. It needs to be discussed and brought out on the table. You also need to talk about what is preventing you from having a great marriage and learn the tools it takes to make it that way.
2. Plan for dates and for together time at home. It doesn't have to be long nor complicated. Sometimes just having a night to cuddle together on the couch watching your favorite TV show and eating some snacks is enough. The difference is your interaction with each other--you need to talk and discuss things while you are together to increase your intimacy. It doesn't have to be in-depth, serious discussion. Just sharing funny stories form childhood can be very enjoyable. If TV is not your thing, find another activity that is your thing and go do it. Don't make up any excuses for the lack of time together where there's a will, there's a way. You can make time if it's really important to you. If he doesn't want to go, plan it anyway and tell him this it what you need. When you are waiting by the door with your coat in hand, and a sitter for the kids, it's a little hard for him to turn you down.
You can be proactive in your marriage and turn it around. The first thing you need to do is quit this group. You're not a cheater and you really don't want to become one. The Healthy Relationships Support Group is chock full of people who can give you great advice on how to improve your marriage. Ask questions there and you'll get some from some really great future friends who will give you support and excellent advice.
It sounds like you have to have a serious conversation with your H to figure out where you both actually stand in your marriage.
Counseling, either together or on your own, can really help. If you don't find the right therapist at first, keep trying. No two therapists are the same and you have to find the right one for you. Journaling also helps a great deal.
DON'T HAVE AN AFFAIR. It will only make things worse. And it really sounds like you don't need "worse".
It sounds like you're in a very lonely and painful place. I really hope that you find a way to help make your life better.