I came to another realization.

I realized that way before I EVER met the MM, I ALWAYS had the misconception (like the rest of the general public) that A's were NO BIG DEAL.

So, when I started flirting with MM and got super horned up, I did what I would expect myself to do.

I pursued it.

Still not convinced that infidelity is a TRAP?

Imagine this scenario.

A person spends their WHOLE LIFE with the misconception that A's are NO BIG DEAL.

Then that person is put into a position of EXTREME TEMPTATION.

What would that person MOST LIKELY end up doing ?

1) FALL for the A ?

2) Catch themselves BEFORE they FELL for the A?

Some thoughts on this from my perspective as a BS.

1. I agree, it is a trap in many ways. Some people are ill informed, or don' t take the time to inform themselves. For most people who've not been affected by this, the subject is off the radar screen, only thinking about it when Hollywood glamorizes it. There are also a lot of people out there who morally don't see anything wrong with it, at least until it happens to them, or the crap hits the fan as a CS. There is plenty of delusion to go around on the issue.

2. While the above is true, it doesn't necessarily absolve guilt. Like, the ignorance of the law is no excuse thing. It may help explain what happened to bring it about, but the reality is you still did it, and that will naturally create some guilt. Like when my son when 3 or 4 almost got hit by a car in a parking lot, if he had, the driver would have felt guilty even though there may have been nothing she could have done to prevent it. While there is a lot of wrong thinking about affairs, most still know they are wrong.

So while it may help understanding of what happened, what to avoid in the future, it won't fully deal with the guilt.

3. Guilt is not necessarily a bad thing, IF it results is taking responsibility for what happened, resolve it in as much as possible, and take positive steps to change your life for the better. Not doing that tends to keep the guilt alive and festering, turning it into shame which often creates a spiral effect of more cheating, more guilt, more shame, and on and on.

If the trap aspect of an affair results in better understanding of what happened in order to make the changes necessary to address the affair, that is productive and good. If, however, it is used to avoid responsibility, only as a means to attempt to alleviate guilt by hiding from it, sweeping it under a rug, then it is a negative effect upon the relationship and one's personal growth.

The goal isn't to avoid guilt, but to face it, deal with it, address it, and make adjustments in your life as a result. Aside from seeking forgiveness, that is the most effective way to deal with guilt. Learn from our bad decisions, as it appears you have from yours (Kudos to you on that).


4. When I said on the Infidelity forum (not sure if it was me being quoted) that CSs know what they are doing is wrong, it was a generalization to a degree, but only in the aspect that a CS might think that to themselves at the time. Most still on some level know what they are doing is wrong, even if they may not know just how wrong it is.

I can say that because if you really didn't think it was wrong, it would not be hidden from one's spouse (I know some APs don't have a spouse, but are party to keeping the CS's secret). It would be an open relationship with friends, family, and spouses. The fact that most keep it a secret says on at least some level that they know if their spouse found out, they would be hurt and the affair would have to come to an end.

So at least on my part, most CSs know they are hurting their spouse and marriage by having an affair, even if due to the passion of the affair and the fog thinking it generates, the CS doesn't directly think, "I know this will hurt my spouse, but I'm going to do it anyway." That is why it is hidden from the spouse and most other people.

5. One risk you are making here is the same mistake a lot of BSs make: generalizing one truth unto a whole group of people. BSs are sometimes guilty of wanting to put all CSs and APs into a black and white, bad vs. good, using a simplistic one-reason-explains-them-all rational to lump them all as equally guilty and put them into one category: evil monsters.

While this explanation may apply to some, maybe many CSs, there is a lot more gray than either position allows for. People are complex. Everyone's situation is different. On one end of the spectrum may be the person whose parents cheated on each other, brothers and sisters regularly cheated, friends and coworkers regularly cheat, they never heard, "Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife or commit adultery," etc., and honestly think cheating is normal, and the sin is in getting caught, not committing the act. On the other end is the person has grown up knowing it was wrong, maybe experienced in a family member and seen the damage, who read marriage enrichment books warning of the dangers, etc, so when they are faced with the temptation to cheat, they know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what they are doing is wrong. In between those two poles are shades of the two.

A good example is Gabi. In many ways she felt trapped. She flirted with men because she loved the attention. Thought of it as an innocent game. Because she didn't think she was doing anything wrong, she openly told me about her flirting with this man. I told her it was wrong. She was telling the guy "I'm available and interested in you." If she wasn't serious, she was lying to him, leading him on. If she was, then that was a bigger problem. She also talked with our priest, who said the same thing. It is inappropriate for a married woman to flirt like she was. Even warning her that he'd seen too many go down that road and destroy their marriage, and he didn't want us to be one of them.

But she ignored those warnings, believing it was just a game and she could handle it without ending up cheating on me. Because even at that point, her desire for attention from other men had already clouded her judgment. It was shortly after that, that the man started sex-texting her. This is what sent her desires into a high, when she realized he seriously wanted her in that way. From that point she stopped talking about him in front of me, never told me about the sex-texting. It all went underground. It is at this point I peg the affair as having officially started. But she had still convinced herself it was an innocent, fun game, that she could handle it without cheating (as she and admittedly me too, at the time thought it wasn't cheating until sex happened). But she was getting deeper in as it progressed, until after 2 months she ended up giving him a BJ before he moved away. At that point, she knew she'd crossed the line. She knew it was wrong. She told herself on the way back home, "I can never tell Rick about this."

She thought that would be the end of it, but within two months of pining for him, she started seeking out the same attention in other men, even though she had to know it was wrong by now. It became her secret life, and resulted in another local affair, dong a lot more than a BJ. She fought it, because she knew it was wrong, that it could end our marriage, but she felt trapped by her desires. After a feeble attempt to end it, she gave up and went with it. Yet she prayed to God during that time to save her from herself.

Did she fall into a trap? In some ways, yes. She was naive about flirting with guys. She erroneously believed she could handle it without cheating. She has misconceptions of what cheating was and how addicting it can be. By the time she realized she was cheating, she was so caught up in the passions of it that they controlled her, not her them. Which led to more and more cheating that she knew was wrong.

But she knew what she was doing was wrong. She never thought she would cheat on me, and didn't for over 28.5 years of marriage. She grew up in the church, knew it was a sin, knew it could damage and/or end a marriage. I always considered her a strong Christian woman who would never fall for that. From the time the sex-texting started until I discovered it 7 months later, she kept it a secret from me because she knew it was wrong. Knew it would hurt me. Knew it could end our marriage.

I'm not saying she desired to hurt me (some CSs actually do, but those don't usually seek out support groups like this one), but she knew she was.

There are simply too many variables in affairs to lump everyone under one reason, one explanation.

Additionally, from a rebuilding standpoint, if Gabi had taken the attitude of, "Oh, honey, I made a big mistake, fell into a trap, didn't mean to hurt you, so can you forgive me, hit the reset button, and get on with our lives," I doubt we'd be married today. It was because she accepted responsibility for what she did, dealt with it, and we made the necessary corrections, that we are still happily married today, about 3.5 years later. She never, once attempted to justify her affairs, but faced them head on, as painful as it was. But she is now in a much better place, and we are both still deeply in love with one another.

Just some facets to keep in mind in this discussion. Sometimes we are so focused on escaping our guilt, we never face it and wrestle with it until we conquer it. Instead we just keep running, hoping it will never catch up with us. As long as this is used to face it and take responsibility instead of hiding from it, it can help deal with the guilt. If not . . . well, you know the rest.

I first came to these infidelity boards in Oct. of last year.

I started out at survivinginfidelity.com .

At survivinginfidelity.com WAS THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE THAT I LEARNED ABOUT THE TRUE HORRORS OF INFIDELITY.

So Oct. of last year was when the GUILT began to kick in.

Ever since then, I began to kick myself DAILY to a bloody pulp .

I kept on asking myself how could I do something so horrible.

For the last year I believed that I was

1) A POS.

2) I didn't feel that I belonged to the human race.

3) I felt like I was an animal.


After I created this thread I was able able to work LOGICALLY through my guilt.

After this thread I finally feel human again and I feel fit to walk amongst humans again.