I am totally with you on these struggles! Your experience is so familiar to mine, and I'm just a few months shy of your 9 month stretch.

You should allow yourself time to think and reflect on your emotions.
IF you are not wanting to have an AP, and only want to work on your marriage. Then share with him why you are having these feelings.
Share with your SO your feelings, your thoughts, if you are afraid to share them then you are not in a healthy place.
The trust that you need to built will grow with open communications. A healthy healing growing BS with benefit from the understanding and emotions you are sharing.
With this open talking to each other you will grow stronger with each other. It is a process of trust and faith.
Try it in small steps and listen and watch.

Memphis you are right, we should be able to share our feelings and thoughts freely, and it isn't healthy to have to hold them back, but that seems to be a price we pay right now. When we're the CSs then it is really hard, almost impossible to share all our feelings openly with our BSs. I wish I could, but my BS isn't there yet and he is not able to handle my struggles, my mourning for the relationship with my AP, or my doubts because my BS is still struggling with his feelings of self-doubt so much. Any doubt from me is magnified 1000 times, which is unnecessary. So, I "protect" my BS by not sharing those feelings and I protect myself my not opening the door for my guilt or shame trains from my BS hearing those feelings. My BS doesn't understand/fully appreciate that I have to process my feelings or my sense of loss, he has enough of his own mourning and loss to handle, and I don't hold that against him because he is struggling with his own feelings so much. I so hope that we will one day be able to be more open, because it is important, and no one likes to hold their feelings secret or wonder what the other person is thinking either. But, darn, do I not want to open any rotten cans of worms by revealing a hint of what I'm thinking about sometimes!

LIke this morning, I woke up and my BS asked "what you thinking" and I wasn't about to tell him that I just had a dream that I was back in school, just on the first day, in the library and my AP shows up, we were talking at a table for a moment and i felt uncomfortable, when a woman comes up and tells me that I better not talk to my AP, and when I asked who she was it turned out that she was a spy for my BS! Silly things that our brains come up with, to highlight our fears sometimes, and I am quite sure that 1. I wouldn't do that and 2. my BS wouldn't do that. But it did highlight my paranoia and worry, and that I couldn't share that with him made me feel even more guilt-ridden! But, I really didn't have anything to hide, I just didn't want to talk about that and open some rotten, stinkin', counterproductive can of worms.

So, chpdl, I hear you. It is hard to go through these days sometimes and not to be able to share our feelings or sometimes even be able to sit and assess our feelings! My BS struggles DAILY as well, and most days he can hold it back. He also feels humiliated and ashamed, so that adds a complicating factor. I don't know that my stories here help you feel better, or give any advice, but perhaps the commiseration is comforting or assuring in a weird way. :)

@alwyslv, i would suggest that you two work through it with you two. Knowledge it painful and healing.
Both of you should play "read the book". When you read the book you cant change the outcome, you can not change the pages, you can not engage with the author, the characters or things going on.
But what happens is you gain.
You two need to sit down for 5 minutes a day, just listen to each other not commenting, a free state of conversation so you can build the bond back.