Hello,

I started dating my wife six years ago, and we just recently married in March. I have been feeling a lot of scared feelings the past few years; mostly having to do with turning 30 and feeling extremely nervous about living up to the expectations of adulthood. This year started off wonderful, with my promotion at work, and the wedding. Then once we got married I started to feel very depressed, almost like cold feet. People told me that the dynamic would change, and even though it was just a little bit, I could tell.

My wife and I have a lot of mutual friends so it is no big deal when I say that I hung out alone with one of her friends a few weeks ago. But afterwards things felt different. I could not stop thinking about her, would look at her pictures on Facebook. But I dismissed it as a silly crush and that it was something that would fade. We hung out a few more times and I started to realize that it seemed the crush was mutual.

So, last weekend my wife was away at a conference. I decided to confront our friend about what was going on and basically just acknowledge the problem. We met up, I told her what I had to say, and she admitted that she too had a crush on me. We said we would move on, never speak of it, and that was that. After I got home I was alone all weekend, since my wife was away. I found myself pining for this woman sexually and all the while, missing my wife and wishing she was there. That Saturday night I talked to our friend on the phone for 2 hours, until 1am. Nothing sexual, just talking more about our feelings, still determined to move on.

Fast forward to Sunday afternoon...I wanted to go to the bar to watch the World Cup Game. My friend invited me to come to her house, and I told her that I would only come if we both promised that nothing would happen. I went over and we watched the game with her roommate. After the game was over, she invited me into her room to hang out and give her roommate some privacy. I knew this was a bad idea, but I cannot explain how emotionally lost I was ...it all seemed like a foggy dream, like I still in college and meeting girls for the first time.

I ended up having sex with her, and I took a cab home at 2am. The moment I got home and was alone to consider what I had done, a dark gloom poured over me. I immediately felt regret, shame, embarrassment, and fear that my single mistake could ruin all the work I had done to create a wonderful relationship with my wife. I told this woman I needed space, I blocked her on GChat and Facebook. She tells me she wants us to be friends, but at this time I cannot be around her and do not wish to text her. I cannot stop thinking about the sex I had with her, but I am not stupid enough to think that these feelings are worth more than the love I have for my wife.

It is four days later and I have not told my wife. immediately on Monday morning I made an appointment with a therapist. I wrote my wife a letter about all the personal problems I have been facing and how I am now making the changes I have been needing to make for a long time. She is very scared, and keeps asking me why suddenly now? I do not know what to say to her. I feel like I need to keep this one night stand a secret; at least until I prove to her that I am doing positive things to help myself. The guilt and shame I feel has caused me to stop eating, and I have basically become dysfunctional at work. I know that humans are not perfect, and that everyone makes mistakes. But I just need to know whether the guilt and shame ever fade away, and whether it is possible for a marriage to survive something as awful as what I have done.