I went to therapy and learned things about myself at each session and cried, a lot.
My therapist suggested I use this site and I would read her my journals and we would discuss them.
I was able to identify my triggers and develop tools to help me stay 'clean', if you will all via therapy and this site.
I am certain without therapy my behavior would not have changed.

Like you, I am not good at emotional intimacy. I know exactly where it comes from - my childhood. I never felt emotionally safe with my parents for many reasons.

I have always liked the initial connection with someone, then I give up far too much of myself, then I feel smothered by the other person's needs and depart from the relationship.

My marriage became a roommate situation for years before I cheated, and I have to take responsibility for a lot of that because I kept everything hidden.

I really don't believe I will cheat again because my exposure was so massive and ongoing that it ruined two families and almost led to suicide. However, I still have the same patterns and needs, so I am finding a way to be more authentic and adventurous and have more friendships to fill in the gaps where a partner (husband) can't possibly be everything.

I've learned that the tendencies toward cheating are results of how constructively we manage our feelings toward ourselves. I grew up thinking that shame was necessary to be acceptable to others, yet, shame was so painful that I hid myself from it without being able to let it go. I deliberately stayed in a high-shaming, sexless marriage, and was convinced it was the "high road". It wasn't.. it was a path that only sustained my own weakness and secrecy.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences with me. I am going to continue with individual counseling and pray i can really dig deep to find all the emotions i pushed down for so long. I do not believe i will ever cheat again, I never want to give this pain to my husband ever again. i am so grateful for him not leaving me and willing to fight and go through this roller coaster with me. I truly felt like i hit a brick wall face first and my eyes completely opened to realize and see all the damage i caused to my marriage and to myself for not trying to really know myself in the first place.
I thank you all for sharing and not judging!

I was in a similar place as you 5 years ago when my affair blew up. My husband and I put a ton of work into recovering. As far as digging deep I definitely did. I had to understand how I managed to let that happen. I / we went to counseling, we read books together on affair recovery as well as general marriage. I had regular sessions with a clergy. I prayed a lot and spent a lot of time hashing it all through in my mind.