Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I am a happily married man, or I sincerely believe I am. I have a wonderful life and feel blessed every day. But....a little over a year ago I met someone that immediately struck me. It was an innocent meeting but I was intrigued. We spent a casual evening talking amongst friends but something was different. I am not an unattractice man and I get my share of attention from women but I always politely brush it off. This was different. It was one of those moments when you meet someone and you feel as if you already know them. We spent a short time time talking the next evening as well and I was surprised how comfortable and close it felt. She didn't pursue me, we were just comfortable together. As corny as that sounds. This was a surprise because I don't normally don't get surprised by people. I like to think I read people well and that may be part of the problem. I knew in a short time how honest, sincere and kind she was....a good person. And I was impressed. The last time I was that impressed by a woman I knew immediately and later that woman became my wife. Anyway after our short meeting we hugged and said our goodbyes. She lives a long distance away but we still talk and text often. It has been over a year now. I thought the feeling would fade over time and we would drift apart. It hasn't and each time we text after a long absense it's as if we just saw each other the previous day. Luckily we live a long distance from one another so there is no temptation there but I know that soon we will be in the same city. She respects my situation but we have also both admitted how close we feel even though we have only seen each other for a short time. When we are I the same city I don't know if I can resist seeing her. I have never cheated before but i want to see her and I know where that leads.
I know I need to end things and go NC but I am finding it very difficult. How do I cut ties with someone I find to be very rare in this world? Maybe I am in the "fog" but I am struggling with this. I know I am being a self centered ass but I can't get her off my mind. Help.
I know I need to end things and go NC but I am finding it very difficult. How do I cut ties with someone I find to be very rare in this world? Maybe I am in the "fog" but I am struggling with this. I know I am being a self centered ass but I can't get her off my mind. Help.
You have to get out. Now. Before you see each other again. The heartache and pain that come along with ending a full-blown A (which IMO you aren't quite there yet) is immeasurable. It will wreck you. Consider your wife.. Spare everyone the pain and END IT. NC is the way to go.
If you're doing this to capture something you missed in your life, then know this. It will fade with time. Hopefully when that happens you haven't been caught or you and the OW end up hurting each other. If either happens, recovery is long and hard.
Also, there are the effects of Dopamine on the brain---you might want to read or watch some videos on this. I feel that for sure you are under that influence right now.
Also, there are the narcissists and sociopaths, charming master manipulators. They use any information that they get about from you, from you or otherwise as a blueprint for telling you exactly what you want to hear. They are VERY convincing, and therefore excellent at deception. They have no empathy and will stop at nothing to get what they want. Are you 100% certain that this woman does not fit into any of these categories?
If you truly love your wife, do not see the OW when you are in the same city, even though the temptation is great. End things now (like yesterday), before things get even more complicated.
I think you already know what to do, I do not believe that you want to become a cheater. If you go down that road, you may very well lose more than you ever expect. It may be hard, but it ending things and NC will be for the best. Do you really want to destroy your marriage and break your wife's heart, and possibly cause irreparable damage to her? Is your AP really worth that?
I wish you well.
I'm sorry to say that your situation is not special - - many of us have been down the same road. It doesn't go anywhere good. Nothing is harmless and you'll end up hurting at least 3 people, possibly more. GET OUT! I implore you. Like Clover said, find a hobby.. something to pass your time and get you excited. Extramarital emotional validation isn't a hobby, it's FIRE.
ExOM and I were so deep into the fog that we got matching tattoos.. now I have to look at that sh*t every day and be reminded.. then again, that works in my favor to not reach for the "A" ever again!
For those that have been through it can you say that problems at home were caused by distancing yourself or was the distance caused by problems at home? Sorry if that is confusing. My wife and I seem to be growing distant. Is that because my mind is elsewhere or is my mind elsewhere because of problems at home?
Of course with hobbies there is balance. Nobody thinks golf is their "soul mate" and the emotional implications are less drastic. That's why we say to find one, an obsession that doesn't involve another person. It's completely dangerous and the consequences are devastating. We know what you're describing, we have all lived it either as the CS or the BS. It's unfair to all parties. You gotta let it go, man.
I know as well as anyone though that I can tell you this until my thumbs bleed from typing it and it won't matter an ounce if you think you're in love. This situation closely mirrors a severe heroin addiction.
And this, in turn, can cause even more distance.
So the answer is both!
You need to go NC, IMHO. Like yesterday. And stick with it.