Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I posted about a week ago. It's been 3 weeks since D Day and my husband still hasn't come home and communication has only been a result of me pushing for it. I've only seen my husband once in almost 3 weeks and I miss him terribly. He says he wants to come home, but doesn't want me there. He hasn't even really confronted me or asked any questions about my affair. It's like all he's doing is hiding and avoiding me. Everything that I've read about the process is nothing like how he's handling this. I honestly thought he would have fight in him. How can we make any progress if he won't even speak to me? I've been pouring myself into books, going to counseling, I wrote him a heartfelt apology addressing all of the pain I've caused and letting him know I'm committed to doing the work to save our marriage and fix myself; I'm trying to do everything I can. I know it's ultimately up to him to set the pace but so far it feels like it's going nowhere. I don't know what else to do.
You sound remorseful but understand his world has just turned upside down.
Everything he knew was a lie. He cannot get visions out of his head and if he is aware your AP wasn't very desirable that is confusing him more.
He is actually communicating with you and telling you what he wants- he wants you out and he needs to be alone. All very normal. He may come around or he may night - that is the price paid for cheating.
Sometimes the hurt and pain are just too great.
It's good you are in counseling. Keep reaching out, keep writing - if it can be repaired it will be.
Your husband is still in shock that his marriage with you was an illusion. Marriage is a big part of our lives and the history of it just went up in smoke. He just found out the person that he thought loved him betrayed him instead.
He is going to need to time to process this and make a lot of hard decisions regarding his life and the marriage.
Just continue to work on your issues through counseling and be prepare to be open and honest with him when he asks. I would avoid forcing him to ask or communicate if he isn't ready to.
I think the letter is a good start because it doesn't require a response and he can digest it in pieces if it hurts too much.
BTW undesirable cheating partners vs very desirable spouses isn't actually that uncommon. When a cheating spouse feels very inferior and underserving of a spouse's love they seek out someone they feel superior to. Their self esteem does not allow them to feel loved by a spouse that they feel they don't deserve, but if they cheat with a loser then they can feel superior and feel loved as the OP is underserving of them. It is twisted logic but in a unhealthy mind it makes perfect sense.
I never worried because he was probably the most undesirable person in any of our circles in just above every way. Age, Physically, intellectually, morally, general sanity, and financially. That's why I never worried that they were friends. It seems ironic until the therapist helps you understand this.
Would you mind telling me about your process? What did you do/how did you respond after the discovery? What did you need from your spouse during that time?
What the betrayed spouse needs is up to the spouse. You need to ask him what he needs and then respect it. On a general level you can never lie by admission or omission to your spouse again. It is like ripping out the stitches of an open wound.
You need to commit to your spouse completely for the rest of your life and show it through action and word. Be accountable and be proactive about this.
Some will want space and some will want comfort. The key is to ask often and apologize often. Empathize and put the selfishness behind you. Selfish actions/words will remind your spouse of what you did.
Be attuned to what triggers your spouse. It could be a word, a memory, a place, a situation, or just about anything.