Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Me again, unfortunately. So I don't drink anymore because it's caused both of my cheating instances. But this one memeory of a night out keeps popping into my head. A few years ago I went to a club with my best friend, my cousin, and his friends. There was a guy there who had previously been interested in me but I was not single. We talked awhile but I obviously got blacked out and my memories are super hazy so I don't remember much more than that. I was with my best friend the whole night but I also know I was talking to this other guy. I feel like I was in an intimate position with him but I cannot remember at all. I don't know if I kissed him or if my brain is just filling in the blanks and making me anxious. I even straight up asked my best friend if I kissed this guy and she said no she doesn't think so and she was way more sober than I was. This leads me to believe I didn't do anything yet why do I have this memory? My boyfriend doesn't know about this instance and for good reason because I don't even know if I actually did anything. Do you guys think I should say something and come clean about it or just leave it be because I don't even remember and my best friend said I didn't.???? I feel like telling him is the right thing but maybe leaving it be is the smart thing because it will just decrease his trust in me.
When it comes to cheating and coming clean to your partner, that is more necessary when you've had some emotional involvement or if the person has a habit or addictive tendency to seek out cheating. In any case, it is a fully conscious choice to "be" with someone other than your partner and to hide it. In your case, you have stated that you have no connection to the guys you have kissed in an altered mental state, and clearly the drinking to that point is the issue, the kissing guys is a side effect of being unaware. So, why do you want to tell him? Do you worry that you might want to cheat on him ever and that these instances when you were very drunk aren't just one offs and aren't really unique to being so drunk? I am just throwing ideas out there, but really I think you need to address that question - why do you want to tell him about this likely-didn't-happen incident and what you think might be gained or improved or "made right" perhaps, by doing so?
All the best to you, navigating relationships at this age is surprisingly tough!
I was just throwing out my crazy ideas about what you might be worried about, trying to put myself in your shoes there, but that example doesn't matter. Think about your intentions here.
You see, for many of us who have been on this site for a while, we've seen a number of folks who are in affairs, and they decide they want to stop and they wonder if they should tell their spouse. You clearly are NOT in that situation, but in those situations the advice is often to NOT tell your spouse and to just end it and carry the guilt within yourself, because what would be gained by telling them and causing them that most-horrible-of-emotional-pain? And while that doesn't apply to your situation (that was mostly back story for how I got this question for you), what I think does apply is the question of - what makes you WANT to tell them? Address that and I think you'll find at least a few helpful insights and maybe even some answers for yourself.
Best of luck! And stay sober my dear! Life is better when you let yourself stay in control! :)
And yes, please do go easy on yourself with these, and focus your energy and attention of addressing the issues that really are causing you difficulty > the drinking and bipolar concerns. I recommend brushing off any shame from those previous encounters completely, so you can focus on the real work that needs to be done. :)