Looks like you have caused a lot of pain in many people's lives with your bad decisions.

I think you need to step back from everyone, get into therapy, and figure out your life before you cause any more damage to innocent people.

You are absolutely right Storm, I have caused a lot of pain to many people with my poor decisions and with my indecisiveness. I struggle with this constantly.

I have been in counseling for 3 years for the the guilt and anxiety I have for the situation I am in, which I caused.

I have stepped back from OM and agree I should step back from H too but it’s hard to do with the kids and his desire to reconnect and work toward healing our relationship.

I literally go back and forth every hour, I am convinced I want to get back with my husband, for all we had together, our dreams, our kids, security, etc and the next thing I know I’m crying for OM and wanting to be with him because my heart is with him. It’s not perfect with OM and we have been through some difficult times but we worked through it together and with respect for each’s opinion and feelings.

I’m so afraid to make the wrong choice. That’s the anxiety in me though I think.

I don't think the problem lies with who you want to be with and that decision.

The real issue is that your prioritize your own desires/satisfaction over your children's and your husband's wellbeing, as well as everyone else who would be affected by affair like friends and extended family.

The way you phrase your thought process also shows that you have little care for your children, husband, or anyone else affected.

You main stated issues are not being in a good financial situation and nothing being able to be bigger part of your children's lives as well as guilt for affecting the stability of their lives.

Essentially you love what people provide you but not them as valued people. Their value is derived from what they as objects provide you in happiness/comfort/pleasure.

MC is not the right route for your as this isn't a marriage issue. It is a personal issue which needs to be looked at in IC.

Thank you forward motion. I agree with having a personal issue and am trying to address through IC. The concept of the value I have in others and what they provide me is pretty accurate and is selfish, relationships from what I have been learning are more of what you contribute than what you take.

I absolutely have guilt for what I did to my marriage and how all of this affects my kids. My husband asked me why I went away and it broke my heart because I should have stayed and fought and worked with him on our communication issues. I have been struggling with the guilt and is part of why I am trying to get it back. I never gave us a real shot. I was checked out of our marriage and met someone who I was attracted to on many levels. I’m missing half of my kids’ lives and they are needing their Mom when I’m not there and their Dad when he’s not here. My kids are going to suffer and that is one of the reasons I am taking a break from OM. To try. But I’m afraid I’m too far gone as I cannot find the feelings I had for my husband. I have great memories I’m trying to draw from but that only takes me so far.

It's a part of character/moral development to move from childish selfishness to nurturing selflessness.

As a wife and mother these are important characteristics.

Children are ruled by their emotions and impulsively make poor decision. They would eat candy for breakfast if they could and play all day because that is what their emotions dictate as it makes them feel good. Children don't give a second thought about anyone else as everything including their parents are there to serve them.

If you don't grow out of this self-centeredness you become an adult with the power to affect many lives but with the emotional maturity of a child. This is dangerous and the reason we don't allow children to drive, drink, and other things because we don't trust the decision making ability of children given their immaturity.

As you grow up you are suppose to learn that you are not the priority of the world and learn personal responsibility for your actions, empathy, and develop moral characteristics such as loyalty, selflessness, and self control.

Wise decisions are then made through the developed mind that controls your emotions and dictates how and why you make decisions.

An adult knows candy for breakfast may bring pleasure but realizes the cost to their health, the example they set, and the mature thing to do. A child just says yummy and eats till his belly aches.

Right now your mindset is bringing yourself the maximum amount of temporary pleasure you can at any expense.

You need to ask yourself how that is working for you? Are the people around you thriving, has this brought more pain and regret than joy? Is this the legacy you want to leave behind? Is this the example you would want others to follow? Would you want your children to do as you do or their future spouses for that matter?

First of all, I'm very sorry you are in this situation. I understand that you too are in a place of pain here.

I have never been married so I apologize if my comment is unhelpful or naive. But what I have come to learn about long term relationships/ marriages is that the feelings can come and go at times, therefore we musn't rely on them and should instead make the choice every single day to commit to the person we are with. Perhaps in trying to rebuild your relationship with your H, you can do some things together, such as going on a trip and visiting the places where you used to go? There is a reason you fell for your H in the first place, and then there is a reason that your OM was able to take over his role. Perhaps in counseling, you can also try to figure out what is it that your OM provides that your H currently doesn't?

Cutting contact with the OM is a must if you wish to save your marriage, Because as long as you are interacting with him, your feelings will not go away. It will keep clouding every decision you make. I understand currently he is important to you and you don't want to hurt him, but ultimately you have to decide who do you want to hurt most - him or your H and kids?

Besides, if the OM really loves you, he would understand that you are suffering, that you have a need to work things out with your family or you might come to regret it later in the long run.

I hope things get better for you soon. Good luck

^^^^really like this response...much better than..."Looks like you have caused a lot of pain in many people's lives with your bad decisions."

Seriously BS's, why don't you stay on your side of the line unless you can give advice without the snarky comment of how we ruined so many lives. Maybe you all should look in the mirror sometime. Just sayin.

I can't speak for anyone else but my responses are not snarky comments meant to rile anyone up.

The only way to move from a self centered position is to be aware of the consequences of your actions on others.

Once you start thinking about others and how it affects them you can move from a the mindset of self focus that got you in the situation of an affair.

If you had a proper balance of empathy vs self focus prior in life the decision you made would have been very different.

The goal is to change your perspective so you don't make the same decisions in the future.

When something is off balance to one side you have to put weight on the opposite end where the strength is lacking.

How? By making a CS feel like dirt? They are already depressed as it is & then you come along and make it worse. Believe me, the feelings of remorse & self loathing will come in it's own time. You don't have to remind them. ...."self centered position". Maybe that is true. Maybe we are selfish in our choice to have an A, but why? You know it's not as if we wake up some day & think, gee, our H's are so boring or we're fighting alot or the sex has gotten bad,.....I think I'll add to the problem by having an A. You don't know us or our spouses or what drove us to the decision to get on the crazy train. When my AP ended us my first feeling was that of relief. Relief I wouldn't have to sneak around anymore. Relief that I wouldn't have to lie or play games anymore. After that is when I started thinking of how wrong I was to do what I did. Not because I hurt anyone, but bc I knew the right thing to do was make a decision in my marriage before moving on to someone else.

Most everyone here knows I was a BS 4 yrs before I was a CS. I blamed myself bc I withdrew from the marriage. Instead of being supportive, my H decided to turn to someone else while I became fat, lazy & withdrew from the family. Then I picked myself up, lost the weight & had an A. If it weren't for the A, I would have left my H probably to be single & alone for the rest of my life. THIS is the lesson we teach CS's. The OM is a fantasy & you're living a fantasy life. If you were to leave your H for him you would have a 2% chance it would work.

I need to be honest it took me a good 3 years to be able to say I no longer pine away for my AP.
Ending an A is hard- it’s a hell of a lot of work, maybe some slip ups. I did therapy, journaling.... They cross your mind ALOT especially when the going gets tough.
If your H is willing to give you another chance and that is truly what you want - truly - it’s going to take slot of work and 100 % focus on the task at hand.
Think about it long and hard. Because if you stay for the kids one day those kids are going to be out of the house and you’ll be sitting across the dinner table from someone you don’t know how to talk to.
I chose to stay and I don’t regret it but again- it’s a lot of work and a lot of commitment.