It's ok, and I'm glad to hear from you again! I've been on and off here over the past 2 years, too, and largely sticking to my own page when I am on.

I am still stuck on marriage shouldn't be a chore, it should be something that brings you joy and sustains and supports you - not always easy, but not a chore to "work hard at". It is a subtle, nuanced difference, but important. Then again, my situation is different - my husband and I are still working it out, but we never had a strong "love" or driven sexual relationship, really we are amazing friends and good people that work well together, and we are both good parents, but really? we shouldn't be married to each other. We're both sexually/physically attractive, and he is strongly attracted to me, but try as I might I can't really feel "desire" for him and really I never have been able to. Which is why my affair happened - suddenly this amazing friend who I didn't see as sexually attractive could just turn me on with ease in a way that I hadn't felt since I was a teen or in college. I had to figure out what that was all about! And so we had a serious emotional, very emotionally connected, and physical affair that still never included actual intercourse. I think you know the story chpdl - we came on here around the same time in 2019.

I guess I shared that because like you, I'm still working through all this, too. When I have dreams about my AP I am left happy, too. People affect us and it will stay with us - sometimes that other person has moved on and we can't follow through, and that sounds like it is your case perhaps? And other times, I guess we are just left to wonder and struggle with the decision to find out directly or just enjoy the thoughts and the memories. I guess I'd ask you, if you still miss him when he comes to mind, perhaps think about how things are with your husband? Is this happy feeling when you think about your AP "in addition to" happy feelings with husband or because something there is still leaving you wanting? One thing I've learned in all this is that I am person who strongly believes the idea of soulmateS, not just one person you reaches your soul and connects to your heart in a lifetime. Marriage counseling helped me realize that, ironically. And with that you could still be committed to a lifelong monogamous marriage, and be fully happy in that, but still recognize that you have/had an emotional connection with another person. Sometimes that person is just a friend, but in our culture we seem to really struggle with acceptable close relationships outside of marriage partners being the "be all, end all" for people.

I guess I shared some "getting of MY chest" here, but really I was just excited to see you post an update! :)

Alwyslve, thanks for some good incite. It has amazed me over the last 2 years how much work marriage really is. And after D-day when we decided to stay together, my husband and I really worked hard and things were better then they’d ever been! Then, the pandemic hit, I had some significant health challenges and husband’s job got very stressful. So we find less time to “work” on the marriage. Maybe that’s why the dreams started? And I totally agree on the soulmateS theory...which also may be the dreams? My husband and I are a good team, good friends, good parents and still relatively sexually compatible. After Dday when we had to decide our future, I really saw a good future together. But my AP filled many parts of my being my husband doesn’t. I often regret the moment we moved beyond friends to an affair because I do miss that friendship. Sometimes something happens and I wish I could tell him about it. I plan to start back at work in the fall, which will be hard because I will have see him again after 15 months. But finding a new job is not an option for me.
Anyway, thanks for listening and “talking!”

Hello. I'm new here and your post really struck a chord. Dreams are rough aren't they? I find after a dream with my AP (I'll give my back story in a moment) I am on cloud nine but it makes me disconnect from reality. My husband is a good man who takes care of his children and although he knows my sordid past he has never asked or wanted me to change. I'm a take charge kind of girl and I know I ALWAYS end up taking the reigns in the relationship. My husband is not an Alpha and the men I'm always attracted to are. I am unsure of your exact situation, but I'm willing to bet there's something your AP has, some quality that your husband is lacking. You may have made "a mistake" but although his trust may be hurt you need to find the root of the attraction to AP and why you don't have that at home. If it's something fixable maybe say to your husband that yes, you made a mistake but there was a reason why and show you are committed to avoiding it by openly discussing what you need from him. You feeling guilt and not discussing it will probably lead to more indiscretions. You said you worked hard and things were better. Did something start to slip during the pandemic?

Personally I feel that some people just aren’t built for marriage. It’s funny how much effort a guy puts into a relationship to win the girls heart, but the moment they marry it’s no more date nights, predictable, boring then complacency sets in. I don’t think anyone sets out to hurt someone they’re married to, so I think you are maybe being a little too hard on yourself. I think that people endure living without even their most basic needs being met and then you realize that what you’re living is not a marriage at all, but rather a cohabitation roommate co-parenting existence. Sometimes what is defined as an affair doesn’t feel like one especially if there has been long term neglect, rejection and betrayal on either spouses part. I think human beings are drawn to people that make them feel whatever it is that they’ve lived without. Ironically in my case the alienation of affection is not due to low testosterone but affairs with other women. I think people who are married only on paper and separated by every definition of the word is not having one. Yes if you say technically but how can a wife be held to a higher standard than a husband who has not treated her as such. If a husbands affections is going every where else but home what does anyone expect. They say men usually have sexual affairs and women emotional affairs and I think it’s probably true. However as a woman stuck or trapped in a sexless existence I emphasize with your situation and feel compassion for you. I think you should not be so hard on yourself. Most women communicate with their husbands until they’re blue in the face what they’re needs are, some even try couples counseling like we did. The first session he didn’t like the therapist because he thought she was taking my side, so we didn’t go back. Long story short we I think only went to 1 session with another therapist. Sometimes marriages work out with no affairs and sometimes people say F it and do what feels good or what their husbands are not giving them. In my opinion, if 2 people are willing to save their marriage and fix what’s broken then bravo, but if they are not then that is okay too. Most people had relationships before getting married and most people have relationships after a marriage ends. Life goes on.