Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I have not told the om that I am married. now I feel it is just a matter of time before he finds out. How do I tell him without hurting him. I am in love with him. I want to be with him forever and leave my husband. I feel as if things are just right with him. At the same time I feel that if he finds out that I am married that he will leave me. He is everything that my husband is not and I dont want to lose him.
But everyone's situation is different. How long have you known your OM? How long have you been having your A? When did you realize that you loved him?
Sometimes we fall into love because someone else represents something that we want or need. Sometimes that love is fueled because all you share are good, carefree moments without any responsibility or the pain that you've been carrying for year. Sometimes, we meet someone who honestly makes us remember what it feels like to be 16, and to be able to love recklessly and completely and holding nothing back.
But if that's the case, do you want to be holding back the truth? I don't know the details of your marriage. I know there's a lot of pain there and from a quick glance at your profile, much of it has to do with the inability to have children. I cannot pretend to claim your marriage is worth saving or beyond hope. However, assuming it IS completely beyond hope and you are just waiting to sign papers, do you want to start out this new relationship based on lies? Right now, you are living a secret. Do you want to go into your next continuing this? always unable to be truthful with your partner?
Regardless of the statistics quoted, some relationships born of affair DO last. However, you already start out with a couple strikes against you, and founding it in untruths will not help.
missy, I think you need to tell the OM ASAP if you think you want to be with him long-term (how long has it been?). For one-night-stands and people you have no desire to connect with on a deeper lever, sure, keep them in the dark. But he's going to have to find out sooner or later (unless he lives far away and/or you can come up with reasons why you can't be with him for at least a few months).
Of course, if you think he'll leave you and you'll be stuck with only your H again when OM finds out, maybe you delay the truth a while and enjoy having him as long as you can. Also keep in mind that Mr. Wonderful is probably extra amazing right now because you (assumingly) only get him in short doses, so you are both probably making the best of your time together. Things usually change when you settle down.
Good luck!
But, I'm releasing alot of the toxic shame that goes with that..THANK GOD! That is a great and wonderful feeling..."sigh"...
Anyway, it made me feel better not to TELL a lie. And just like Suzie and Sherrie said, I just can't believe I even had it in me to do such things. I think I go in and out of shock about it. I am still in deep grief over it all.
Missy, eventually everything will likely come out to both your H and to the OM. You are in a very difficult situation. Great pain is ahead no matter what. I suppose the thing to do is to tell OM and see how he takes it. After that you can go from there but really if you don't want to stay with your H the best thing you can do is divorce him and then you can pursue a relationship that you can be happy in. Either OM or another but you need to get out from under the double life and living a lie.