So tomorrow is my birthday and 4 months post D-Day.  I'm not really looking forward to it, it's kind of been like that the last few months with most things that used to bring me happiness.  I'm kind of dreading waking up in the morning and having to face the day.  I would much rather pull the blankets over my head, shut my phone off, and disappear until it's over.  I'm afraid of the feelings, the sadness I know that will come because this year isn't the same.  I find myself missing my husband in every way imaginable, everything seems to be a trigger and I end up in tears and can't seem to shake the funk I find myself in every time.  There's this overwhelming feeling of emptiness, an absence in everything where he used to be.  I shaped my whole life around someone for 13 years and now he's not here and it tears at me over and over again.  There's so much space for sadness.  It took me destroying something to see what it was worth and now it feels like this is what it will be like from now on, just a void in my life that can never be filled.  No amount of counseling, medication, meditation, booze, drugs, sex, or distraction could combat the misery and emptiness that I feel.  I stole from my husband and from myself, robbed my life of real love with some conterfeit fantasy, and I guess now I'm reaping what I've sewn. This is my life now.  All the empty spaces, all the room for sadness, all the regret.  I don't know if I'll ever truly heal from this.  I just have to hope that a second chance still exists for me in this lifetime.  36 years so far and I still manage to keep fucking everything up. 

So tomorrow, I'm just going to try and pretend it's another day and pray I can get through it without falling apart.