Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
What do I do if after D day I am not willing to comply with my husband's demands to be completely transparent? Initially I panicked and said I would do anything. But now a week later I cannot bear the thought of giving up my privacy. Note that our marital problems had a lot to do with me feeling controlled and losing my sense of self. So this now feels like more of the same that left me vulnerable to an affair. Not that I am excusing my behavior or blaming him for what I did. I feel so guilty and never intentionally tried to hurt him. Also I feel no emotional connection with my H whatsoever. I love him but the last thing I want to do is be intimate with him. My AP and I are on an indefinite break until/unless things are finalized with my husband. A lot went down after D day and my H sought my AP out. Also my AP doesn't know that my H moved back in after we went through a legal separation. I have been lying to both of them while I ride the fence trying to make a decision on what I want. I am torn between my family, I have 2 little girls, and stability with a deep love I have for my AP and how genuinely good I feel when I am with him, even if we are just running errands or talking. I miss him so much already. Any advice or support would be appreciated. I do have IC and MC scheduled this week.
Its a good thing you are going into MC and IC, to help you sort out your feelings and maybe be able to tell your husband how you feel and how you have been feeling (although you will never, no matter what you think, be giving full attention on your marriage-choosing to repair or choosing to dissolve) with an AP waiting in the wings.
This is going to sound rough...but you know what.....not all marriages are meant to last. People change and that's ok. Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you are meant to be married. There is more to a marriage than just love. Please know.....If you think that you will stay together for the children, but continue to have A's or have something on the side or even not have an A and live a miserable existence, then you are doing your children more of a disservice that you realize. Children learn what healthy relationships are from their parents. They see us. They watch us. They are way smarter than we give them credit for. Would you not rather them learn that 'emotional abusive' relationships are wrong and one should be happy in a relationship?
And if you are miserable now.....when your kids are this young, what the hell are you going to do when they are teens or college age and you stayed in this miserable marriage lying, cheating, with emotional detachment for years and years. We aren't meant to be martyrs stuck in a miserable marriage for an undetermined sentencing just because we said "I do" at an altar once.
Life is too short. Either fix it or get out. If your husband wants/expect/needs a wife that is faithful to him, doesn't he deserve that with someone? He does....... just like you deserve and should expect happiness in your life- you only get one-shouldn't you be able to get that also? But do we get happiness at the expense of someone else? Let the man go if that's really how you feel about him. And its not a bad thing.....maybe the two of you just simply don't sync anymore OR maybe, on the other hand, in MC you will realize you really both want this...together.....but to do that, you will have to give up your AP.
Maybe this is a controversial opinion, but I think the CS and the BS both have a right to opt in or opt out when it comes to trying to restore a marriage. The BS needs reassurance and will probably make demands, but that doesn't mean the CS has to say yes to everything. If my H had wanted to, say, bug my vehicle or not allow me to leave the house, I would have said no. It's a negotiation. It just has to be honest.
It took me 6 months after D-day to be sure I was going to move forward in my marriage. I think my first journal posting was about my uncertainty. You're not in a normal headspace when coming out of the "connection" of an affair.