I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this now. I haven't been here that long, less than a year, but I remember early last summer when you had provided me with supportive help on some posts. I remember thinking you were in a place where you were struggling and confused as well, even as you offered support. Then I didn't see you around as much, and well, this isn't an incredibly active group, but I did wonder how you were doing. I'm sorry to hear this update, but glad to be here to hopefully offer some support in this really really difficult time.

This is such a difficult time of year for me. I am STILL reeling from my H's affair. There are still triggers even after all this time. And I still wonder about my H and his slut. . . .

Affairs do so much damage. And they are never between just two people.

It seems that things will be fine and then out of the blue I will get triggered. I keep thinking that if this is happening to me, then it has to be happening to my H. But I do know he is good at mind games, so who knows.

My advice to you at this point is to keep apologizing. Keep apologizing until your H tells you to stop. The ball is in his court now. Here is your chance to give him the respect he deserves.

My T told me that it is easier for a woman to accept cheating by her spouse than it is for a man. So be prepared.

I've never gotten an answer to my basic question of why? Why risk family, job, reputation, marriage, etc. for a woman my H didn't even want?

At least you do have a conscience! That is a hopeful sign that you can go through some self-examination and come out of this a better, more evolved person.

My H kept saying he didn't want to be punished for what he did. I kept trying to tell him that actions have consequences. He doesn't want to hear that. Too bad. That is how it is.

I think my message for cheaters who want to save their marriages, is to apologize, to accept ownership of your actions, and to work at being a better person. Give your spouse respect. Listen to them and honor their choices, regardless of what they are. They didn't ask for any of this. They believed in you and trusted you. You devalued them. Now they don't trust you anymore and sadly, feel like they can't trust themselves. Fortunately it is a great, big, bountiful world out there with lots of choices - all we have to do is open ourselves to the opportunities.

My advice is to get to a marriage counselor so they can manage the information that comes out during the healing process. If you don't, it will become pointing fingers at one another with your H saying things he can never take back. Sorry, but men don't fight fair. And I don't believe there should be ANY disclosure about your A's technique during a love making session. That creates mind movies.....something you definitely don't want your H to have. I know Storm would suggest every little detail but that's what all BS's want. Why? So they can beat you over the head with it every time they are triggered. They'll say it's bc they want to understand what caused the A and that's true to a point. But then they can't handle the truth (Jack Nicholson) & end up running amok crying....how could you?! and (fill in the blank)...."you ________(slut, whore, cunt) And then too much has been said to ever get over. Tread carefully my friend. It's gonna get bumpy from here on out. There will be days when you think "whew" I'm glad that's over, now let's get back to a normal married life. But the very next day it's as if your H thinks, "oh no you don't, I'm not going to allow you to think I'm ok now". You haven't suffered enough! Eventually he will come around but it will be a few years, yes years, til that happens. Get to a counselor!

Can I ask....how did he catch you?

CloverMoon, you are spot on! Wow. I couldn't have said it better myself. Limit the mind movies as best as you can, which is a hard path to follow since you want to be open and honest as possible, but he needs to realize that there are just some things that he 1. doesn't need to know about the physical and personal details and 2. that your delving into the details will only reinforce your feelings for your AP and your memories, and that it is better for him to support your "forgetting" too. And yes, 8 months later, it does go day by day. I'm glad for more frequency with "normal" days, but they are still a blessing and not a guarantee from day to day. But, with kids, we often have no choice but to be normal, and no time for other garbage.

Thank you all so much for weighing in. I never thought I could empathize with a BS until I watched my husband’s heart break right before my eyes. It was the most excruciating pain imaginable. We’ve already been to 1 counseling sesh and have 2 more scheduled. There’s hope. But it’s so, so painful.

I was caught by phone bills! I knew it was coming and I had braced as much as I could.

Sorry that you are experiencing all of these things. I have been there! I am 10.5 months since D-day. I remember during the A and after D-day being in such emotional turmoil. My mantra was “this feels messed up and terrible now. But it won’t feel this way in a year.” I didn’t know how it would feel...maybe my marriage would be better, maybe it would be over, who knew where the affair would be- but I knew it wouldn’t feel the same. And my message to you is, I was right. I still have bad moments, I still feel sad, but the intense emotions have settled, I’ve settled. And I think my marriage is better and stronger now. So hang in there. You will survive. I do recommend marriage counseling and also the book “Getting Over the Affair”. Can’t remember the authors in the moment, but it has helped a lot as well. Good luck. We’re here for you.

It’s actually Getting Past the Affair with multiple authors, the first one listed Snyder.