One word: Counseling. You need counseling in the worst way. You must decide if you want to be committed to your marriage or not; it's really that simple.

I would recommend you get into individual counseling for yourself, marriage counseling for you and your husband, and stop with all affairs until you figure out yourself.

It sounds to me like you put far too much emphasis on sexual excitement and feeling attractive and pretty because other men pay attention to you. If you are attractive and pretty just feel that way on your own. You don't need validation from other men. Even if you want validation from other men, you don't have to sleep with them to get it. Many men will sleep with an ugly woman if she lets him know she is available for that (the OW my H slept with was gross), so don't fall into the trap of thinking you are hot just because guys want to fuck you. Most guys know that if they tell a woman she if beautiful and sexy they might be able to get her to drop her drawers for them even if it isn't true. Don't fall for the lines. If they look at you and tell you that you are pretty just leave it at that.

Find your excitement elsewhere or find ways to make your sex life more exciting without involving other people. There are other things you can do in life to make it more exciting other than sex. Try white water rafting, snowboarding, bungie jumping or a variety of other things. Make your sex life more exciting by mixing things up. Try new positions, dress up, do a strip tease, do some role playing, try toys, watch porn, play games.

I agree that you need counseling. It sounds like a good idea to get you out of your current mindset and into a more mature, productive, family oriented, and loving one.

You also might want to join a gym with your H so the two of you can start working out together. Encourage each other to get fit and look hot. That might put the spark back in things for you, and you will be doing something productive with your H and you will both feel better. You can also take classes together. Spending time with someone strengthens the bond.

This is going to come off as blunt, but I would suggest counseling for yourself and maybe even consider letting your husband go so he can be with someone who will value him more.

It does not sound as if marriage is suiting you and what you want right now, so you need to examine why you are still married? Of course your husband blanched at becoming swingers. Quick newsflash: Men do not typically like the idea of their wife screwing other men. I would suspect most women feel this way about their husbands (but perhaps, you are comfortable with it.....IDK).

Your current actions are causing yourself and your husband to have so much pain. Seek out solutions and yes, unfortunately, one of the solutions at your disposal is divorce. If you do not consider divorce an option, you then really need to consider some intense personal introspection.

5 years is an extremely long time to continue having an A. It always suprises me when As last this length of time, without the MS discovering it. Counseling is a must for you. I support all those that have advised you in this direction.

What would you do if OM decided he wanted to be with you. What if he called you today and said I've made up my mind, I can't live without you anymore, I want US to be together??

I've had a similar problem most of my life. I have a penchant for maintaining relationships with my ex's (and others) over several decades. I've been 'sober' from having my illicit relationships for eight months now, although previously I have explored open relationships, which feel more suited to my lifestyle. You could look into some love addiction or (or sex addiction) support groups in your area to see if they could help. I'm going to cut and paste a questionnaire from another website which is designed for assistance in diagnosis of SLAA.


Here is the 40 questions.....

The following questions are designed to be used as guidelines to identifying possible signposts of sex and love addiction. They are not intended to provide a sure-fire method of diagnosis, nor can negative answers to these questions provide absolute assurance that the illness is not present. Many sex and love addicts have varying patterns which can result in very different ways of approaching and answering these questions. Despite this fact, we have found that short, to-the-point questions have often provided as effective a tool for self-diagnosis as have lengthy explanations of what sex and love addiction is. We appreciate that the diagnosis of sex and love addiction is a matter that needs to be both very serious and very private. We hope that these questions will prove helpful.

Have you ever tried to control how much sex to have or how often you would see someone?

Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?

Do you feel that you don't want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities? Do you feel you need to hide these activities from other friends, family, co-workers, counselors, etc.?

Do you get a high from sex and/or romance? Do you crash?

Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?

Do you make promises to yourself or make rules for yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow?

Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don't (didn't) want to have sex with?

Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable?

Have you ever felt that you had to have sex?

Do you believe that someone can fix you?

Do you keep a list, written or otherwise, of the number of partners you've had?

Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are away from your lover or sexual partner?

Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you have had?

Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate?

Have you or do you have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g. the threat of being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)?

Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?

Do you feel that your only (or major) value in a relationship is your ability to perform sexually, or provide an emotional fix?

Do you feel like a lifeless puppet unless there is someone around with whom you can flirt? Do you feel that you're not really alive unless you are with your sexual/romantic partner?

Do you feel entitled to sex?

Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave?

Have you ever threatened your financial stability or standing in the community by pursuing a sexual partner?

Do you believe that the problems in your love life result from not having enough of, or the right kind of sex? Or from continuing to remain with the wrong person?

Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity?

Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex? Do you feel that you would have no identity if you were not someone else's lover?

Do you find yourself flirting or sexualizing with someone even if you do not mean to?

Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation?

Do you have sex and/or relationships to try to deal with, or escape from life's problems?

Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it?

Do you engage in the practice of voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc., in ways that bring discomfort and pain?

Do you find yourself needing greater and greater variety and energy in your sexual or romantic activities just to achieve an acceptable level of physical and emotional relief?

Do you need to have sex, or fall in love in order to feel like a real man or a real woman?

Do you feel that your sexual and romantic behavior is about as rewarding as hijacking a revolving door? Are you jaded?

Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about another person or about sex?

Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?

Have you ever wished you could stop or control your sexual and romantic activities for a given period of time? Have you ever wished you could be less emotionally dependent?

Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do? Are you afraid that deep down you are unacceptable?

Do you feel that you lack dignity and wholeness?

Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?

Do you feel that your life is unmanageable because of your sexual and/or romantic behavior or your excessive dependency needs?

Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits?

oops.... typo!!!!!
first paragraph:
well, not several decades.... I'm only 28. So, to rephrase that.....; i've had a penchant for maintaining relationships with my ex's over the past 10-15 years. Ha, don't know why i wrote decades.

Well if he said he wants to be with me today....I would not want to be with my lover...because I love him but not like I love my husband, my husband is so supportive, sweet and kind....the other guy just got married about a year ago...and during that time he was not othe only guy I had been with...but he is the only guy I go back to because I have known him the longest and it seems like he understands me....plus he never tells me NO.....the thing is I know I am attractive but I like hearing it....from my husband and from others....because I was and am use to hearing it....it makes me smile.....I know I am more that a pretty face and nice shape but thatss what makes me feel sexy....

I dont mind counseling....and my husband will not let me buy toys but I let him buy porn...so confused but anyways....I try to do different things because I do get bored quickly