BTW, 38 years ago I was that child -the victim of a bullshit affair.

Any one who tells you that children are resilient and get over it is a fucking liar. It fucked up your so that three decades later you do the same fucking thing.

Just keeping it real my friends. . .

I used to say that I would give my life for my kids but is that really true?

All it took was a few margaritas with exOW to fuck up their lives too.

At least lets be honest, we are all a bunch of narcissists. . . I know I am.

Sedgwick, I thought you had not had a D Day. Did that change? I wish you the best, whatever you are going through.

As for myself, I think about the children all the time. Mine, hers. I constantly reminder her. She doesn't care. I mean she says she cares but she still keeps pushing me. She wants to give me those sleazy blow jobs and I keep pulling her head up and telling her no. And I have tried many times to end it and I just keep getting sucked back in. That makes me an idiot, among other things, I know. But that's not an excuse, just my story.

But thanks for the reminder. I just need to find a way to end this for good with the least amount of collateral damage. I swear she is addicted to me and it's no damn good being anyone's drug.

I actually took exOW and her two year old out for ice cream once. I even went to that child's first birthday party because exOW insisted that I show up. How fucked up is that? The girl's father was right there. I can only imagine how he must have felt.

I am so sorry that did that to you A.C..

I want to add to my answer. I feel I am letting myself off easy. It's true that I have reminded her time and again about the potential fallout for the children. And it's true that she cares to the extent that she thinks we won't get caught. Her answer is always "that's why we have to keep from getting caught" and then everything will be all right. Right? But if I had really given much consideration to the children in the beginning, I would not have started down this road. And barring that I would have found a way out of this a long time ago.

So I do care, but the selfish part of me is still winning out. That and the cowardly part that just can't seem to break up for the last time and end it for good. Huff and puff as I might, I can't seem to blow down that house of straw. It's pathetic.

Honestly, during my affair, I did not think it had anything to do with the children (mine or his). In fact, I would have said the affair was the only thing keeping me out of despair enough to stay in my marriage and home.

Unfortunately, all of the kids were affected after D-day. My AP's wife spread the word far and wide, and people started gossiping about it near my kids. I told my oldest (11) about it a few months ago, and he also overheard my husband yelling at me. Just this weekend, my oldest ripped my heart out when he told me he wished I "didn't do that" and wants me to be with his dad forever. He cried and grasped onto me. We probably have to move because of my affair, so it definitely affected the kids.

My former AP is divorcing and is in a nasty custody battle, so his were affected as well.

I'm not a narcissist at all...

We that do this ARE narcissists, whether we want to admit to it or not. Putting our own interests, thrills, needs, emotions in front of your own marriage or another person's marriage (or relationship) IS being a narcissist. And to even ALLOW the potential of an A to negatively affect your children or another's children, be it consciously discussed or never really considered, IS a narcissist. I'm not trying to call you out on it GravingGirl as I really like your comments, but I just think it's too true to deny.

Sedgwick, your comments are dead on. I feel the same. Years later, we are still feeling the ill effect of our actions. What was once a pretty decent life, albeit not perfect, has been replaced with depression, despair, relocation, and finally divorce. It simply was not worth it, at least with kids on the outskirts, affected but unknowing. If I could undo it and lead a less passionate and less exciting life, but innocent and predictable, I'd do it in a flash.

Hindsight.

Almost none of the characteristics of a narcissist fit me, and it definitely would come up in my therapy. I am someone who is deeply uncomfortable with attention and admiration and is codependent and a people pleaser. My affair was selfish, but that is not the same thing as narcissistic. It was a secret act of desperation because I felt I was trapped in a marriage where I met everyone's needs at the expense of my own. In the fog of an affair, I truly believed it would not affect anyone. I disagree that everyone who has an affair is a narcissist. Probably 5 or 10 percent of the population has NPD, and think of how many people have affairs.

I apologize and stand corrected. After researching the definition of narcissist, I'd agree with your assessment of yourself as you just described GravingGirl. I too would say I was more super selfish but I'm not all about "me". I'm more of the caring type, and considerate of others. But for a spell, I left all that caring aside and sure as hell caused a multi-year pileup of wreckage. Stupid. Selfish. Ruinous.

My children were two years and eight months. I wasn't thinking about them at all at the time. I'm lucky that they are too young to remember the fighting and yelling that ensued.

So Bigstep, you are a CS? I don't recall reading your story. Do you mind sharing it or pointing me to where you posted more about you? Just curious here.

Ditto. Curious, indeed.

My parents had affairs while I was a child. I was never told of them, however, until I was in my 20s and having marital troubles of my own. At that point, I did not find their affair revelations hurtful at all; in fact, it explained a lot about my parents' long and unhappy union.

Yes, your affair will have a hugely negative impact on your spousal relationship and yes, an unhappy marriage will affect the children's living environment if you choose to perpetuate it. But your spouse and your children are not one and the same. And if someone feels the need to tell your children all about your affair, that is a huge mistake on THEIR part.

There are some (mainly BSs) who advocate that children be told of their parents' affairs and other misdeeds. Personally, I feel this is borderline child abuse. My husband has been abusive and nasty throughout our marriage, to the point where everyone else is wondering why I haven't left yet. However, one thing I truly believe in and practice, is to NEVER badmouth your child's other parent to them. I have never said one negative thing to my children about their father, and I have expressed my desire to him to do the same for me, which to his credit he has mostly obliged with. If/when we split up, I will continue with this, for much of the problems that are credited to divorce don't come from the actual divorce process itself, but of the incredible contention and nastiness between warring parents.

Why would anyone think telling their kids that their dad/mom was having sex with other people is a good idea? I could only fathom this if the "child" was over 18, somewhat old enough to understand the complexities of serious romantic relationships. Trust me, your young children have no interest in your sex life. They are thinking about: how to build a zoo in Minecraft. The next tree fort they're planning. When the latest teen heartthrob's new YouTube video is coming out. NOT WHO MOM AND DAD ARE F***ING.

On a side note, Graving, your exAP's wife sounds like quite the narcissist herself. How much fun she must have had badmouthing her husband and you all over town, no doubt making herself out as the put-upon, suffering martyr versus you two evil monsters. My guess is that she probably was not a lot of fun to be married to.

To answer Leaving... yes. I'm both a CS and BS. It's a wicked, twisted ordeal. A most miserable and almost tragic happening.

I never posted my story in here. Not under this user name anyway. I have been here a long time though. I had joined the infidelity forum once I found out what my wife had been doing. But, I was also a CS so I guess you could say I had a different view then most people there. While on one hand I was hurt and empty inside from her actions, I also couldn't be a hypocrite and denounce cheaters, considering I was one too. So I took a mild road and tried to understand the many complexities and emotions involved with either being a BS or CS. It is NOT simple. It is NOT clear-cut. And though many many BS's blast into the rear-ends of CS's, I don't have that view . I understand how they (BS) can be so distraught, destroyed, angry, hopeless, depressed. But obviously it would be unfair for me to equal their venom. BUT, I also don't take kindly to those CS's who are arrogant about what they've done. Or make light of the after-effect on others. As if it's a game. It's not a game. It's horrifically damaging when it all comes crashing down. No doubt in my mind it is a death-like blow. And what really gets under my skin is for a CS to not understand the impact their (my) decisions have on another person. It is LIFE-CHANGING! It changes personalities. It can take a very happy and successful person and reduce them to a shell of what they once were. It's truly not fair to the BS, whether the BS is aware of what's going on or not.

In my opinion, most that cheat never set out to do so. They never marry in hopes of breaking their vows someday. Instead, I think for any number of reasons, things happen. Disconnect in the marriage, boredom, temptation from outside, abuse from within, alcohol/drugs, mental dependency, etc. There are many reasons it happens and though there truly is no excuse for it, it's also not fair to demonize what ordinarily would be a "good" person. So I generally sympathize with those that cheat. They find themselves in an awful situation when, as humans tend to do, they simply were drawn to something that made them feel good. Cheating, or being drawn to someone while committed to another, is extremely potent. I think we all know why. So there has to be some understanding, in my opinion, that these things can happen without ever thinking it would in the first place. We are very susceptible to that, us humans.

So though that's not my story (I'd have to go back and see if my lengthy journal is still around, but I think I checked before and it had been deleted from the other account), that's a little of my thoughts.