IMO from the betrayed (you can take or leave it):

The first would be passive agressive because you should be able to have an adult conversation and agree on a way to fix those issues.

The second find a way to make them feel utterly and completely wanted - needed. I felt the exact same way because I never, ever withheld sex but H never made me feel desirable so in return I was not as into it. But he cheated not me.

Now it's kinda opposite I want it and am totally into it (maybe too much) and I'm feeling it's being withheld from me. So maybe you could give me insight on that!?

I definitely find my home/marital frustrations contributing, or even justifying in my mind, my behavior. I feel as though I have tried to address the issues, however there hasnt been any real change. Maybe I am just too impatient or too unreasonable, but that doesnt change my feelings. Maybe we just arent on the same page and there is no solution for this.

I could only wish she was too into it - no insight from me unfortunately.

I actually wouldn't call my behavior "passive aggressive" in the direct sense, since, as I understand it, the term describes inaction as a way of hurting someone. In the cases I'm describing, I did try to resolve issues with the partner, but found myself hitting a wall where she, not me, was unwilling to take action. I do not think of my acts as passive aggression, but closer to actual aggression in response to what is actually my partner's passive aggression.

With that said, I would not pick nits over a subject like this. You may not believe this, but my heart is totally with you. I don't think most cheaters are proud of their acts, and I certainly am not. I believe the vast majority of cheaters do not wish to hurt anyone with their acts. In fact, in an obviously flawed way of thinking, the act of cheating may seem to the cheater like a way avoiding having to hurt their partners, since cheaters are finding a way to get their needs met while dealing with their own harsh feelings whose exposure turns out to be only hurtful to their partners.

This is not an attempt to justify the acts of a cheater, no matter where they come from. Motivations be damned. They're doing something inherently hurtful, and they know it. While I might empathize with your husband on many levels, I do not and would not give him a pass for his behavior, and you need to stand firm against it in every way to right this wrong for yourself. You did not deserve to be hurt, and he did not have the right to do that.

To your subject, I will share with you a bit of my own story. My ex withheld sex from me systematically. I always felt punished for being a man. She was not and is not a lesbian, but she seemed to abhor male nature, and she let me know it. My own flaws and her aggressive criticism made me included to suppress myself, making me a henpecked husband, and not a 'true man' in many respects. I tended to cower to her guilt trips and rejections, with the nagging fear that something was actually wrong with me. Nothing was fun or happy with her as hostility increased.

She refused to observe these issues for what they were. No matter how painful things got for the both us, she clung to me like a little girl, begging and pleading for me to understand how her sexuality was so very broken, how she was talking aggressively to her therapist about it, and that I needed to follow the "in sickness and health" maxim in marriage for her to respect me as she gained more than 100 lbs, left the house all the time to be with friends, and allowed the house to fall into shambles as she hoarded and chronically overspent, in a pattern which unfolded over years of so-called "therapy." When her guilt trips did not work, she then would angrily demand me to make her feel "wanted" and "courted" and that I should not (per her all-knowing therapist) expect anything from her until *I* took the appropriate actions. She also threatened that she would make it clear to the kids that if the marriage ended, it was going to be and only me ending it.

The situation was ridiculous, sickly, and pathetic, and I should have left. Instead, in cowardice, I swallowed my anger and my masculinity and told myself I was staying in the marriage for the kids. I finally happened on the idea that if I just made myself a bad guy, doing the one thing she told me she would never, never forgive, she would sever her attachment and I could go freely, leaving her due to her anger

Of course, the act was nothing but self-destructive - a "suicide by cop." I acted out vengefully and stupidly, and I hurt everyone.

Before I did this, near the end of my marriage, I completely lost interest in sex with my wife. I did not ask her for it and showed not the slightest interest for more than a year. This finally set off alarm bells in her. Suddenly, all the so-called "brokenness" was gone, and she asked me for a sexual relationship. "Weren't you talking to your therapist?" I asked. She told me that I should just let her worry about that, and proceed as if nothing had ever been wrong. She thought that I would just love and accept her back, since she was finally willing to give me what I wanted.

It was far too late for me. My blood had turned to ice, and I could not find any attraction to her. She was the last person in the world with whom I would have wanted a sexual relationship.

So as for your husband withholding sex, I would take a look at his anger - not just about sex, but in general. If you can get him to open up at all about it, even if it is sheer torture for you, let him do it, so long as he does not try to harm you. Yes, he will inflict emotional pain and discomfort, but do not mistake that for harm or harmful intents. Your first priority is to get to the truth - his truth - even if it is nothing that you can support or defend.

This is a highly dangerous situation for your marriage. If you want it to continue, it is you, not he, who has to act. I wish the news were better. A man who has turned himself off sexually with respect to a woman who is interested in him is in a severely defensive mode, and regards his wife now as an enemy. He does not want you influencing him in a place where he is vulnerable, and he is keeping you out. Take this for what it means. It is not *HE* who has to make you feel wanted... far from it. He will no more court you than he would a wild boar.

If I am projecting and am wrong, please forgive me. But I know the male heart, and I believe you have a serious problem on your hands. It requires your action, by your own initiative. If you are unwilling to take action, it is time to end the marriage. Make it a clean break, and end your suffering.

For me I have recognized that I was and am lacking intimacy. That's Why I cheat. My h is a good man but in the past 30 years We lack intimacy and the spark that should be there has never been there.
Heard

I noticed that there were several things I was feeling with m A's. It seemed to be for all different reasons, but maybe they were all the same reason. My last and final A was due to my anger and of course other underlying things). Having to wear a mask, for his world, that in the beginning I did not know I was supposed to wear (still wearing and on year 5). Angry that I left my home to be with this man. Angry I left the best job I ever had to be with this man.

I read something somewhere about the difference between excuses and justifications for cheating. I can't remember the difference. Even tho I try to explain to him about why I did to him what I did. It is the the explination he wants to hear. The reasons I did what I did he tells me are the same reasons he did what he did to his wife (waaaayy before me).

What I don't understand is if he cheated on his wife with multiple women their whole marriage, why can't he understand me?

jtk - thanks! I think it is anger but for other reasons. I shouldn't say H completely withholds - more of not nearly as often as it was even during his affair. He thinks I use sex to make sure we're ok but that's not it at all and I've communicated that to him. All well hoping just a rough time right now. It's been such a roller coaster for us rebuilding (if you call it that)!

Like JD, my cheating had nothing to do with my H either. It was something that was about me and what is/was going on inside me. He didn't deserve what I did.

But maybe you deserved and needed what YOU did. It wasn't about him.

JTK, thank you for sharing your story. I have to say, most guys would've probably checked out of that relationship 100 lbs ago. I think one of the most illogical, shortsighted things a person can do is withhold sex and generally speaking it's harder on a man. I know women who withhold and let themselves go and think it's a form of selfishness and laziness.

Your first entry really struck a chord with me. I too am trying to figure out my behaviors and your drivers are the same as mine, exactly. It was a little surprising to have that commonality with a man and I too am not trying to justify but instead trying to understand. I appreciate how you stated that because it helped me more clearly recognize my own reasons.

I recognize w the anger. I feel spiritually and emotionally abused by my H. He has been better lately but by this point it's too late. I have emotionally checked out of my marriage. I'm here for my 3 children only. I still try and do my best at being a good wife. I fake it. I give him sex as much as I can handle it. But it's hard. I know what I'm doing is spiritually wrong for me. I've been struggling w that today. I just have no desire to reconnect w my H whatsoever.
I felt under appreciated, blamed for ever spiritual thing that went wrong. "Things like God can't bless us because you aren't keeping the house clean enough. Maybe if you were better spiritually w the kids they wouldn't struggle w that" just vague examples. But I felt beat down so I sought an A. I didn't really plan for it to last. Just a once or twice thing. A secret revenge. But it felt amazing to connect w someone on a sexual level. I have always hated sex w my husband and I never realized just how good and fulfilling and crazy wonderful it could be until my affair. So I became addicted and fell in love. I feel so safe and secure, protected by my AP.