Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

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moonk2021 07/14/2021

Just looking for some advice and comfort from some people who might understand. I've talked through this in therapy and have even told my boyfriend (who forgives me and is still with me) yet no matter what I do I cannot forgive myself. I cheated and made out with 2 different guys over the course of my 6 year relationship. The first time I was only 18 and my relationship was in shambles and I thought we were going to break up. No excuse but I went out got black out drunk and made out with another guy. It ended with me sobbing to this random guy about how the e only guy I want is my boyfriend and that's all that happened. The problem is I kept that a secret for years and never told my boyfriend. Flash forward I was 21 and in my senior year of college and I went out with my friends and got black out and made out with a guy. The problem is I don't even remember and my friends told me like a month later that it happened. I freaked out and told my boyfriend and sobbed. He forgave me like the wonderful person he is. Well I decided that I needed to tell him about the first time becAuse he deserves to choose if he wants to be with me and he still forgave me even after keeping it a secret for all those years. So turns out I definitely have a drinking problem and I have been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder which gets exacerbated when I drinks still not an excuse for the stupid mistakes that I have made. But he wants a future with me and I want one with him but the problem is my guilt is holding us back. I need to let it go. If anyone has any words of wisdom or advice I would be greatly appreciative. Thanks.

alwyslve 07/14/2021

First advice is be kind to yourself! You identified the primary issue here - that you have been drinking in a dangerous way. I know it doesn't feel like this to you, but really kissing other guys while you are drunk, and really drunk at that, is embarassing but nothing to hold shame about. Like you recognize, the real issue is the drinking and whatever allows you to do that to yourself. Address that and please please don't drag yourself over the coals for making out with a couple of guys, and not telling about one of them for a long time. I'm just glad that you are safe from that! That those guys really didn't take advantage of you in that state is lucky situation. So, please be kind to yourself overall, and especially on this aspect. Kissing a few guys while drunk, before you realize you have a drinking problem does not make you a cheater or a person who has cheated, it seems to mean that you have a drinking issue and you identified that as well as the bipolar matter. So, please be kind to yourself and forgive yourself of this element. I hope you can do that.

moonk2021 07/14/2021

First of all, thank you so much for your kind words. I really needed to hear this after a rough couple days. Sometimes It’s hard for me to put that in perspective when I feel I broke my boyfriends trust because he is my best friend and I love him. You are so right, I need to be kind to myself to allow myself to move on. Not only for myself, but for my boyfriend as well so we can have a good future.

ILguy37 07/15/2021

Agreed with alwyslve. Your young and kissing while drunk isn’t something too terrible in the grand scheme of things. Plus it sounds like your boyfriend is understanding of the situation.

It’s good that you recognize the issues with alcohol as you can correct them moving forward. It can be a problem for many but your getting help and moving forward. That’s all that can be asked of anyone.

The fact that you feel bad about your actions means that you are a good person at heart. Don’t lose sight of your best qualities and be there for yourself and your boyfriend.

In the end if you have received forgiveness from your boyfriend, you have received the ability to forgive yourself. And you should. It may take time but the one good thing about mistakes is that they are precursors to growth, and you sound like you are well on your way.

moonk2021 07/15/2021

Thank you for your kind words ILguy37. You are right that it will take time. I am just being impatient expecting to forgive myself over night when I’ve just started to face the issue head on not too long ago.

ejwp5911 07/17/2021

Moonk2021, like yourself I had a drinking/cheating problem but I can say without the alcohol addiction I was a better person but unfortunately replaced the alcohol with another addiction. Please please take control of the alcohol and honestly your bipolar disorder will stabilize. Look for help within yourself and you will do great with your boyfriend and your future.

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