What do you consider unforgivable? It's different for everyone.

Why do you think you need to forgive?

I think cheating and lying is unforgivable. I will never forgive my H. We are still together. Our
life together is fine. You can move on without forgiveness.

gettingintune, this is something I have been working on in therapy for the past year. Yes, you can and really should/must forgive yourself eventually. Otherwise, you'll waste your life and won't have healthy relationships. You are more than your affair.

You can't control whether or not others forgive you because only they can decide how they want to live.

Wait, you are the BS? In that case, if you are talking about your wife, I would say that you forgive if and when you want to be set free to live again. It's not for her, and it doesn't mean you condone her actions.

And if you are a BS, please consider going over to the infidelity site where you'll find many like minded individuals who can help you with that question.

Hmmm, I see you've posted this question on several forums. Did you find the answer you were hoping for?

If I recall your story, your wife had sort of a breakdown and a series of fling-type affairs and then became obsessed with figuring out what was behind her decision. Is she healthier now? Do you feel like she is capable of being a partner to you?

If you can't forgive her, you can't. Please be honest with her so she can make the decision whether she can live with that or divorce you & move on.

^Absolutely. She made errors in her life. We all have. What's forgivable to one person is a deal breaker to another. But that doesn't mean she should have to live in a state of constant purgatory with you. To move forward, you can't keep stumbling on the past.

Like GG, I also remember your story.....Is your wife able to forgive your chatting and EA's with women from AM and CL (CL is just...just...yuck!..)?

GravingGirl,
yes. Im the BS.... wife had 8 different men over course of 15 months after 13 years of marriage..kids were 5 when she started into these choices. Is she healthier? i don't know. Has she had sex w other men? No. i don't believe she has. Does she feel remorse , guilt and shame? Yes, i believe she does. Do i feel safe w her as a partner? NO. I do not feel safe with her.

Shoretimenow,
she and i have talked about the CL stuff i did. although a month after disclosure, i did create profiles on dating sites and AM, and post adds on CL...and had my own online emotional affair over the course of a week w a woman from CL, ...and also, that during recovery the last 2 years, i'd continue to look at CL , and answer adds,

she knew of that when i was doing it....it didnt seem to phase her...she would just say "thats very strange, and if you need to go have your own affair, then go ahead and do it, if thats what you need"

i don't think i ever asked her if she forgave me for my choices.... it took me over a year to accept that i had gone and had my own affair.... yet, i still know that when given the choice to move to physical affair, i couldn't do it.

i don't think she has ever asked me to forgive her. She has said, that maybe someday, I will be able to forgive her but she has never asked for forgiveness.

Storm,

why do i need to forgive?
Because I don't want to live the rest of my life carrying this anger and bitterness around..regardless if i live it with her or with out her.

I dont believe forgiveness is for the offender. I believe its for the victim. I don't believe i will ever truly heal, until i forgive....but I don't see how its possible to forgive....

Storm, I'm curious how you live in a marriage where you say you will never forgive your spouse? I couldn't do that. I'm just not sure how that works.

I agree with the other posters here, though. What is forgivable to some, may be unforgivable to others. My husband forgave me and actively works to make our marriage better. Forgiveness is not just the words, but the actions that go along with real forgiveness. We work to make things better so that we don't slide back into the behaviors that contributed to my affair. I worry about how she really feels about this, as you said that she told you to just go ahead and have an affair if you need to. That doesn't sound like someone who is remorseful and wanting to work on the relationship to me.

If this is a deal breaker for you, than you may just need to move on and learn to forgive her, without her. I think adultery in and of itself it incredibly hard to deal with. It's never the answer to marital problems, but some reasons for it may be forgivable and others are not. If there is true remorse for the problem and she has ended the behaviors and wants to genuinely work on making the marriage better, there is reason for forgiveness. But if her actions and feelings haven't really changed, maybe that is why you are holding forgiveness back?

Sunny,
She told me to go have my own affair shortly after disclosure. also, during the time when I was engaged online w a woman from CL, she told me again, if that is what i need to do, go do it. Over the last 24 months, during occasional discussions, she'd bring it up again.

I think you answered your own question. If it's unforgivable, you don't forgive. In my opinion, you are asking the wrong question, I think that what you really want to know is how to either change your paradigm so that you are able to forgive or the strength to be capable to walk out.

I forgave a gf fully for cheating. We broke up two years later for unrelated reasons.