Why do you have to tell that person about your past? There are healthy boundaries in every relationship and it is perfectly okay to have things you keep to yourself. I think very often we play a little game of testing a new relationship where we say "I did X. Do you still want me? You do? Okay.....Well, I also did Y. Are you still interested? You are? Great. And, just so you know, I did Z. Now you're going to walk away, right?" And on and on like that. It comes from that niggling belief that if you really knew me you wouldn't want me, so I might as well drive you away before I get invested.

Let go of the idea that you can't be fully known and still be loved, and let a new relationship, along with trust and the divulging of details, develop over its natural continuum.

The quick answer to your question is no. Non-cheaters are quite capable of loving cheaters, just like cheaters are capable of loving non-cheaters.

I had an A and left my marriage. Since then, I have built a wonderful life with a man who is not a cheater. He knows everything about my marriage and the poor choices I made while in the marriage. We love each other both because of who we are and in spite of it. We're at 5 years together now.

I also have a friend who is married to a former cheater. They've been together 9 years now and have two little girls. She'll come right out and say that she's not afraid he'll cheat on her. I'm not exactly sure how they worked through that, but they did, and they are happy.

A person's past does not define the person. It may influence decisions, but it is not all there is to a person.

I guess I would say that I do not actually view myself as a Cheater, still think of myself as a BS. If I were single, I would probably not be willing to get involved with someone who has difficulty staying faithful I have no problem staying faithful, monogamy is what I prefer. But I am being unfair if I am not willing to acknowledge that I am not the only person in the whole wide world who is not doing anything wrong by looking for My One True Love outside of my so-called marriage. So for me, it would depend.

Thanks for all of your answers, I am blessed that the three of you repsonded as I have come to value each of your inputs.

As Always Be Blessed

GaC

You are so sweet to say that!

I'm so glad you posted this topic GaC -- the thought ran through my mind for a second earlier this week. (Not that I am anywhere near close to thinking about someone else in my life right now.)

I guess for me the biggest barrier would be the fact that this person was in the habit of cheating. Breaking your marriage vows is a very serious thing to do. I know, I know, I am technically breaking my marriage vows. But since I am being open about it, and he broke his marriage vows even as he spoke them, I maintain that his abuse of me kind of trumps everything...So as ridiculous as this sounds, I still think of myself as a BS. So I guess this is where I am giving the other side of this issue viewpoint. This is a sticky and thorny issue.

I would say a cheater would understand another cheater better. But, that's a label and I hate labels. My H betrayed me, but mostly he is my husband. He is a father. He is a provider. He is also an alcoholic.

Cheating is what you did, not who you are.

Huneybee is right. However, I can say that nothing that ever happened to me hurt me as much as being cheated on. And on the Infidelity Message Boards The Betrayed all say the same thing. But here in our little group, The Cheaters, one of which I am, are also in a lot of pain. All this bleeding, all this weeping...Now that I've managed to cheer myself and everybody else up...Huneybee, you deserve better. I have a sneaking suspicion that we all deserve better.

I never doubted that it is more than possible. If cheating has taught me anything it is that love is in everyone and the smallest corners for everyone and anyone, no matter the circumstance.

that said, my public affair gained me a stalker. Who recently wrote me "How can you move on? Will you lie to them about your sordid past? How will you explain yourself?" ummm...honestly i haven't thought on it until he wrote that.

BUT then he went on to tell me he is in love with me and always will be, despite and also because of my 'ways' that he think he can understand.

so yea. OF COURSE you can find love! Come on!

The fact is...UNDERSTANDING and feeling understood is what often gets us into love relationships. For many of us it was the spark that lead us to cheating. And will surely lead us to love again.

most humans do not want to hurt or be hurt. this is a learning experience for those of us are capable of seeking self knowledge (excluding the narcissists). have we not learned much from this experience? you are a better person then you were before.

WOW...So much insight in this thread. I guess the main reason I asked this is because, one of the things that me and my OW had shared was that we both had cheated before we were even with each other! It was a shame and guilt that we shared, and yet we both understood each other and accepted each other for who we were. My fear is that, someday i want a relationship that i can be completely intimate and honest with who I am and the things that have shaped me, but I fear that with someone who has not walked my path, they will be totally scared off by my past. Whereas someone who has walked in my shoes will have empathy and be able to stand on a more even ground with me. There are so many wonderful women in the world, and since i have been single, it seems that they have ALL been cheated on and lied to and hurt! And when they share that with me, its hard for me not to realize that I AM THAT GUY! I am the one who cheated on them and hurt them. So I dont share that I did the same things to my W that there H and BF did to them! It makes me pretty sad. I miss the OW terribly, but that relationship simply isnt reality. Thanks for all of you who have shared

As Always Be Blessed

GaC

Don't feel guilty. Not everyone has the right to know everything about you. I am not telling any of the men I cam currently talking to that I had sex with two guys in less than a month. I am telling them I am a Third-Growth Virgin. And I am actually Saving Life. I cannot have casual sex. Mr. KKK taught me that. I am simply not telling any of the men who are approaching me about my last two partners. I inform them that since 1976 I have had four sexual partners, two of which were my husband. And that was the truth until May when I messed up, but am now on the right track. You can change as well. You have the right to keep things to yourself.