After a year-long affair, a couple days ago I broke up with my AP. I am heartbroken and devistated. I'm looking for advice from those who've had to do this. (I'm hoping this is the right group, because I was bashed in the Infidelity group.)

I've been married 17 years. After our first and only child, our relationship really changed. The former intimacy and caring for each other eventually turned to fighting, resentment, stonewalling, and just not talking. There are a lot of reasons about our troubles that I won't go into here, but after years of unhappiness in my marriage and seeing no way out, and a lot of time thinking about it and planning for it, I confronted my husband with a divorce. All the signs were clear that our relationship was in distress, with me stating my unhappiness and that I couldn't do it anymore. But it was not clear to my husband that I was unhappy enough to divorce, he did not see it coming. He wants to work it out, and I struggled with doing that because mentally I was checked out and ready to move on. But I felt guilty on the impact on him and my child, and thought I should at least give him a chance, so decided to stay. Since then, he's really trying and made some dramatic changes. And this is good, especially for his own life.

But in the meantime, I'd been having an affair. In desperate and unhappy times in my marraige, sick of being ignored, sick of fighting, and lack of my husband's interest in me, through a series of events I had met someone a year ago, and we've been seeing each other regularly. He's also married with kids, and we've developed real feelings for each other. I know there's lust and attraction, but what I feel is true companionship, shared interests, and caring for each other. I developed real feelings for him and him for me. Though he's not happy in his marraige, he made it clear he's not ready for divorce and our relationship can't go anywhere. He has many divorced friends and see the impact it has in their kids...and he doesn't want the same for his kids. It is what it is. And that really hurts, because I was wanting more and I was ready for more. He's not.

After feeling internal conflict over everything, I've decided to end it with the AP. Even though I really didn't want to, I couldn't go on feeling so torn. And realized I need to give full attention to my marriage since we're on the brink of divorce...I need to at least try. My husband never knew about the affair and I'm of the "don't tell" category...I believe it would be more hurtful then helpful in my case. I did not have the affair to "get back" at my husband or to have it be an excuse to leave my marriage.

Breaking up with my AP was very difficult to do, and I feel so heartbroken knowing he is now out of my life. I won't get to talk with him, know how he's doing, or see his great smile. I won't hear the hellos every day or check in with each other. I feel scared I made the wrong decision, even though I'm fooling myself knowing that if we stayed together, it would definitely get harder for me. And if I were to have gotten a divorce, I would have just wanted more with him. This really hurts! And all the while I have to try to keep things Just looking for emotional support.