Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
After a year-long affair, a couple days ago I broke up with my AP. I am heartbroken and devistated. I'm looking for advice from those who've had to do this. (I'm hoping this is the right group, because I was bashed in the Infidelity group.)
I've been married 17 years. After our first and only child, our relationship really changed. The former intimacy and caring for each other eventually turned to fighting, resentment, stonewalling, and just not talking. There are a lot of reasons about our troubles that I won't go into here, but after years of unhappiness in my marriage and seeing no way out, and a lot of time thinking about it and planning for it, I confronted my husband with a divorce. All the signs were clear that our relationship was in distress, with me stating my unhappiness and that I couldn't do it anymore. But it was not clear to my husband that I was unhappy enough to divorce, he did not see it coming. He wants to work it out, and I struggled with doing that because mentally I was checked out and ready to move on. But I felt guilty on the impact on him and my child, and thought I should at least give him a chance, so decided to stay. Since then, he's really trying and made some dramatic changes. And this is good, especially for his own life.
But in the meantime, I'd been having an affair. In desperate and unhappy times in my marraige, sick of being ignored, sick of fighting, and lack of my husband's interest in me, through a series of events I had met someone a year ago, and we've been seeing each other regularly. He's also married with kids, and we've developed real feelings for each other. I know there's lust and attraction, but what I feel is true companionship, shared interests, and caring for each other. I developed real feelings for him and him for me. Though he's not happy in his marraige, he made it clear he's not ready for divorce and our relationship can't go anywhere. He has many divorced friends and see the impact it has in their kids...and he doesn't want the same for his kids. It is what it is. And that really hurts, because I was wanting more and I was ready for more. He's not.
After feeling internal conflict over everything, I've decided to end it with the AP. Even though I really didn't want to, I couldn't go on feeling so torn. And realized I need to give full attention to my marriage since we're on the brink of divorce...I need to at least try. My husband never knew about the affair and I'm of the "don't tell" category...I believe it would be more hurtful then helpful in my case. I did not have the affair to "get back" at my husband or to have it be an excuse to leave my marriage.
Breaking up with my AP was very difficult to do, and I feel so heartbroken knowing he is now out of my life. I won't get to talk with him, know how he's doing, or see his great smile. I won't hear the hellos every day or check in with each other. I feel scared I made the wrong decision, even though I'm fooling myself knowing that if we stayed together, it would definitely get harder for me. And if I were to have gotten a divorce, I would have just wanted more with him. This really hurts! And all the while I have to try to keep things Just looking for emotional support.
I would suggest that without personal and couple therapy the marriage has a poor chance of surviving.
These things tend to come out in the open somehow and it is best handled in a controlled environment.
Until you decide what is happening to your marriage, it is best to, at the very least, put your A on hold. Even if you do decide to divorce, don't plan to resume your A. Most likely, that won't work out either. Do the research. The odds of you ending up with your AP are like 2%. You're probably going to say.....but our R is different......nope, not really. We all said the same thing.
In the meantime, start a journal. Drink lots of water & exercise. Do no listen to music. Even if it's not about him, you'll make it about him. Stay busy & block, block, block. NO CONTACT! No contact means no emails, no cell, none of his friends, family or acquaintances. And no stalking social media!
Good luck.
CloverMoon, thanks for the advice. Definitely staying busy and exercise. You're right...my relationship with my AP is not "special" or any different than anyone else. I can't fool myself, even though part of me wants to think that's true, that it's "different." Not true, and I can't fool myself.
What's hard is those feelings of being cared for, thought of, checking in with each other, excitement to see each other, confiding in each other....it's gone. I feel so....alone. All those things felt so good, and now I feel like...this is all there is? This is all there's going to be?
I don't know if it's possible to find happiness with what I have in my marriage...people say the feelings will return. I will be patient and try to keep an open mind.
Looking back I can't even remember what it feels like to have loved my husband like I did many years ago, to admire or respect him, to have those feelings. I'm not talking about the falling in love/infatuation stage, I'm talking about 10 years or so into the marriage how I felt so sure and deeply in love with him. I'm trying to figure out why I had the affair...what am I missing and is it possible to somehow get that in my life?
People with amazing lives and marriages cheat as well.
When you place your personal happiness above others' wellbeing, morals you are susceptible to temptation.
When your expectation is that your husband, your job, your lifestyle exists to bring you happiness....you will find that none of these things will bring you peace. Ask a celebrity if they are happy.
When you love others and help others thrive, and live a life of integrity, you can find joy in yourself.
Someone who has poor contentedness pursuing happiness is like an anorexic chasing thin-ness.
I have so much resentment towards my husband, I do not feel any sexual connection with him. He is a great man, a wonderful father, but I just don't dig him any more in a romantic way. I WANT to so I am trying so very hard. I am going to counseling but he refuses couples therapy.
Anyways - my therapist asked me if I loved the AP and I said yes. She asked me if he made me happy, yes of course. then she explained that he was a "happy drug" for me, he increased the happy hormones which kept me leveled out. Without the contact I am not only grieving the loss emotionally but my mind and body are actually withdrawing from him and it makes the separation that much harder.
I have no answers, I struggle daily with resisting the urge to contact him. Today marks one year since we were first physical and it was the most mind blowing amazing experience of my life. I have typed him an email - but not hit send because I know I cant.
My therapist also mentioned that its not a bad idea to do that - write to the AP but don't hit send. Get those feelings out!
I wish you the best of luck <3 Feel free to reach out if you need to talk!
Did I deserve that pain? Somewhat. Affairs are the epitome of selfishness and absolutely no good comes from the inevitable fallout. It shatters people, families, sanity.. the worst decision for so many painfully obvious reasons.
Yet, we do it. And I think we'll continue to do it until we heal the pain deep within that causes us to base our happiness on external conditions and go to such extremes to get a happiness 'fix'.
Hang in there. Add some friends on here and journal. It's helped many of us. *hugs*
I got to a point in my marriage where I was really unhappy and wanted a divorce. But my H was blindsided and wants to work it out. I tentatively agreed to at least try, it's the least I can do. Give it one last shot. But even if I were to have left my H, it would have been hard to keep seeing my AP and just want more from him. Kind of damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Some days are better than others, but one thing's for sure: I do think about my AP every day. I try to shut him out of my mind, to stay busy, etc. but it's hard. I really miss him.
From another perspective if I were to plead, tempt, and entice someone to leave their family and spouse I would feel a level of culpability in the same way a drug dealer feeds the addiction of a drug user.