Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
After having a retaliatory affair I feel horrible. But it was a love affair. I real thought I fell out of love with my husband of 16 years and fell in love with someone else.
Somewhere along the line my husband reminded, or convinced me of our love and I came back.
Now he is in anger phase and it hurts so bad. He says awful things and I take it because I think I deserve it. I can’t forgive myself unless he forgives me. I feel like I can’t have a good day if he doesn’t have one, because I don’t deserve to be happy if he’s not because of the pain I caused him. How long do I have to pay? Will it really make a difference in him deciding to forgive me?
Once he gets through the shock and acute phase in a few months, he should be able to have more sympathy given he has been in the same situation you are in.
The problem is that there are two unfaithful spouses. In the case where the betrayed spouse is strong in character this can help prop up the marriage until the cheater has reformed enough to help support the marriage.
At this point there is little holding the marriage together since both of you have betrayed each other.
You aren't any worse than him or any more deserving than he was for his cheating.
In the end you likely didn't really move too far in forgiveness towards him. Burying pain and hate only bottles it up until it comes out in a destructive way.
In your case a revenge affair.
Another factor could have been that he didn't help you heal or work on himself after the affair but I don't know the details.
It is our maturity, character and faith that allows us to push back and keep our integrity.
Some will do evil for no reason, some will do it with just a bit of opportunity or boredom, and some will do terrible things while in depths of pain.
Perhaps you never would have considered an affair before being cheated on and the pain tested the limits of your character.
Everyone has their limits to which they will break, but a big component of maturity is knowing where your limits are and avoiding the opportunities and temptations with that in mind.
For example, I know that my character isn't strong enough to hang around women all the time and not be tempted, so I don't form one/one relationships with women or develop close friendships with the opposite sex.
Just as an alcoholic knows that one drink is one drink too many and doesn't go to bars or hang out with friends who love to drink.