Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
This is my first post and I’m basically here just to vent and in hopes that maybe I will receive some good advice. Bashers shouldn’t waste their time - I will only delete your words without reading them. I will cut to the chase - I am in the middle of a very messy affair. He is not only my neighbor, but also close friend. Like me, also married with children. Our lives are completely intertwined. We/our families hang out constantly outside of when we are able to find time alone. It started over two years ago out of nowhere due to one drunk night of stupidity. Neither one of us planned it but obviously selfishness and temptation took over. I won’t go into our spouses because it really doesn’t matter whether they are wonderful or pieces of shit. We both know we are doing wrong and it sucks. However, now we are in deeper than ever and love each other but don’t want to wreck lives of the innocent people involved. Nobody knows anything at this time. I’m in pain most of the time because of guilt on one end and longing for my AP on the other. I hate seeing him with her and I don’t want to share him. Sometimes I think moving away is the only option. I don’t want to end it, it feels beyond me. I also don’t want to hurt my husband. I feel there is no way out of this. I do wish it had never happened and that I could go back in time.
We actually had a former poster in here who moved 500 miles away from his next door neighbor AP.
Anyway, I know you don’t see this now because you are in it way too deep but the only way for this to end is for it to self destruct (and you may very well lose your family) or for you to end it cold turkey. And that means complete NC. And no, unfortunately you cannot remain friends with an AP.
It’s an incredibly difficult thing to do. I tried to end mine multiple times, even went to therapy, but it becomes an addiction.
There is hope - I’m affair free, it feels great, my M is more cohesive than ever. I know my triggers. Do I still think of him? At least a few times a week but it’s fleeting now.
It comes down to a choice (and in the beginning it was a choice hour by hour then day by day...) Do you want to keep living like this or not.
Anything good shouldn’t make you feel all this angst and turmoil. And just because we love someone doesn’t make that person good or right for you. One of the things that kept resonating with me was - my H deserved to find the love that I thought I had with this other person. My H wanted monogamy and if I didn’t want that then I owed it to him to let him find someone who did. And from there it came down to the choice.
If I were you I’d start with a good therapist to help you get outside your head and really take a look at this for what it is and what’s it’s doing. From there you can set goals and move toward them.
This is a great place, make some friends, journal.
1. Being Caught
2. Being left by affair partner
3. Remorse
You haven't been caught yet, been left, or felt remorse yet.
Unfortunate thing about your dilemma of feeling guilty is that it is part of a downward spiral. You feel guilty and either feel like it's hopeless to get rid of the guilt or restore your marriage so you just continue down the path of least resistance. You may also feel guilty and then suffer even lower self esteem which fuels your need to feel pleasure which unfortunately you get from continuing your affair. Affairs are self propelling from the start and get harder and harder to end.
I think that's why personal counseling may be necessary to help you develop perspective so that you can see effect of affair on others, which may lead to remorse, which may lead to you ending the affair.
Just like life there is no promise of a happy ending, just a variety of different endings based on part the decisions that we make.
So you will have to chose the best path. Depending on who or what you prioritize the decision will eventually be made or perhaps made for you.
Relying on your emotions rather than logic and conscience has gotten you into this situation. It would be foolish to think that using the same decision process will make this any better rather than worse.
Statistically you have a 3% chance any relationship with the affair partner will last. Neither of you entered the relationship in faithfulness and it likely will not end up being faithful to each other. Trust will always be a concern.
If you are the 3% then you can be certain there will be severe consequences to both your families that will reverberate in the distant future. In this scenario you will be with him, but I doubt there will be much happiness as you will witness the cost of your relationship with him.
See a counselor and get sorted out.
The reason why is because it isn't copacetic.
If she continues this path and miraculously is never found out then she will have severe turmoil for the rest of her life. Her conscience will be seared until there is no feeling left.
For the betrayed spouse I would say that there is a very small percentage of the population who would preferred to be lied to and betrayed in secret by their spouse than live in truth and potentially find someone who actually loves them.
While perhaps this is something you would prefer I recall only one person in the Matrix trilogy that wanted to go back in time and take the blue pill.
I wish my H would cheat on me or just not want to be with me anymore. I wish and want him to find someone else who is much better than me than he deserves. And I wish for all that without hurting him.
As for life with my AP I may try to end things soon and see how it goes for the biggest reason being that if we cannot be together right now then there is just no point in this. I hate seeing him with his spouse, I hate having bad feelings towards her that she doesn’t deserve and I hate longing for him constantly.
I just have no idea how this will go or what he will do. We are absolutely trapped living next door to them for at least 3 more years until our oldest graduates. I also have no choice in trying to stay away from him since if out of the blue I declined date nights or family hangouts I would cause offense and confusion. I do hope that anyone contemplating an affair who might read this knows never to go down this path. Ever.
I think I’ve always been too fearful to ask what happens now? What are we doing here? Is there a future or not? I will probably go ahead with those hard questions. It’s evident that I found myself on this site for a reason and it’s time for change. Thank you for your reply.
So, in summation, I'm sad, alone, remorseful, kidless, and in this moment, broken.. Take steps to not end up where I am. Today is the best day to do the right thing. Put your affair on hold, and get to a therapist or an SLAA meeting. I wish you godspeed and peace.
As well, you will never obtain this happiness because you will know the cost of it.
Instead try to focus on your character and how you can enrich the lives of those who depend on you.
You may then build your self esteem and feel good internally as a result.
Celebrities practice hedonism better than any else in the world but are horribly miserable. To think that we can achieve more than them with lesser finances, pleasure, and beauty is folly. They prove that this is failed experiment and the wrong path to happiness.
Scissorhands has gotten to the end of that road and has ended up much worse than before.