Do you remember a few years ago when a group of women were rescued from their polygamist husband. Of course the women claimed to be very happy with their situation, defending their husband to be a kind, generous man who loved them all the same. The part that bothered me was all the women were dressed similarly and their hair styled the same. There was no individuality at all. They were like stepford wives.

Is this what your suggesting?????

Also, I don't think there are many CS's on the lookout for hot men. That would make it all about sex and we all know A's are not about the sex.

Or did I misunderstand the question?

I think you're going thru what alot of people go thru when they marry their high school or college sweetheart. You're questioning your choices.

I'm having less & less confidence in the idea of being with one person for your whole life. I'm thinking about leaving my H but who's to say that I won't have the same issues down the road with OM? Is there one right person?

Clover, that's not the poligamy I'm talking about. I'm talking about the people who agree to have an open relationship and is happy about it. I know it's rare and you really have to find the right person and be completely open and honest. I, myself, don't think I am a polygamist but monogamy with my H for the rest of my life doesn't seem feasible.

Tulips, I don't think there is one right person but if there was that person that you have sexual, emotional, and intellectual chemistry with then monogamy would be ideal. As I've read about A throughout a couple of forums, I've come to believe that leaving your marriage for AP is not healthy for various reasons.
1. You made a vow and you owe to your spouse and yourself to everything in your power to make it work. Having an OM will keep U.S. from making that honest effort.
2. There's the affair "fog" where we're so thrilled to be with someone that doesn't have all the annoying characteristics of our spouse that we're actually projecting our ideals onto the other person.
3. No one is perfect, including us, obviously. So if we're cheating, we need to figure ourselves out before we jump into another long term relationship.


I'm sure there's more reasons but those are the 3 that are helping me remember why I'm staying to try and salvage my M.

Sometimes I think so. At least for my husband and I. We hurt each other so much this past year, it's not feasible any time soon.

I gave him permission to sleep with some girl and he did. I didn't think he'd really do it though. Surprisingly it didn't hurt. The only time I think about it is to reflect on how nonchalant I am about it. While he says he doesn't care that I slept with my AP, his actions say different. He says that he's more upset about the other guy.

I have this vision that our marriage will phoenix into this open and completely honest relationship. That we won't get "mad" but agree to disagree. Then, we will be able to sleep with other people. I guess my idea is more like an open relationship than polygamy. Still, I have a dream! As far-fetched and rare as it is, its not impossible!

Edit: I meant polyamory not polygamy

Sorry Floralname, I was just trying to lighten things up a bit. I like your reply #4, seems to fit. I will tell you during the 2 1/2 yrs of my A I thought I had found the one, the love of my life. Now 2 yrs out of the A I really don't ever want to see the creep again. Just gonna hang in there with my H, warts & all.

CloverMoon what do you mean it isn't about sex? Really? Maybe not for you...

I didn't say the sex wasn't good. Hell it was great! But initially I needed someone to talk to, someone to be close to, someone who "got me". Then it went into all out fantasy love.....romantic, intimate, perfect every time. Sometimes I miss it but he turned out not to be the person I thought he was at first.

Agreeing with you again, Clover Moon. Our stories sound similar. Wasn't about the sex for me. In fact, mine was more pleasurable with my husband. Truthfully. I feel like I should tell him that..but it has only been a month. We are in the very beginning stages of figuring this all out.

Did you work it out with your husband? I have hope, but I have no idea right now what will happen.I know I have to let him be angry. He is actually so together on the outside. We have two kids. 8 and 5. They have no idea. We'd like to keep it that way. I cut off the OM. Sort of grosses me out thinking of him and how I let myself get so caught up in a fantasy.

I feel the same way! I hate how I let myself, an intelligent and otherwise normal woman, get all wrapped up in the fantasy. It goes to show how unhappy we were with what we had at home. My kids are 6 & 8, they're way too young to understand the details but they know their parents are unhappy but trying to work it out IMO. My H is now going out with his buddies (for real) on a whim and there's nothing I can say about it.

Floralname, are you currently seeking professional help/counseling? My husband and I are doing it separately right now. It's only been a month since he found out. I go tomorrow. I am actually looking forward to it and feel quite relieved, that although I have hurt him so much. My hope is we'll end up going together. I think we will. I am trying so hard to let him know I want to earn his trust/love back. What is daily life like for you/

My kids really have no idea. We're still doing family things together. I guess what is different is he and I are not physical or sleeping in the same room, but he's still being the concerned, caring husband. I commend him for that. I know if the tables were turned, I'd be awful.

I like this post and I have a few thoughts (lol). I think you mean polyamory (sp?) and not polygamists....Polygamy, I believe, is a religion-based practice that has something to do with entering Heaven.

Polyamory......open marriage......I actually don't think the idea is wrong. I don't think in this culture that open marriage is acceptable. I know it isn't with my husband (and I've suggested it...jokingly....but even that way it didn't go over). Apparently in France, affairs are normal......and in some countries it is not looked at with the same judgement as in the US. But, yes, I think if my H was into it....and some are....I might be able to have an open marriage. In fairness, I don't know what kind of can of worms that would open and I can imagine it would take a lot of trust and communication at a level that is beyond my comprehension.

I mean, really, how realistic is monogamy? Many cultures, societies, even animals don't mate with one person for all their life....Its definitely an excellent topic for discussion.

With that said, he is not into open marriage, I understand it, and I respect that.

As for if "you were with the right person you would not want to cheat". I actually think that isn't true. I think, actually I know....my A had wayyyy more to do with things I had going on than anything my H could contribute. And no, like Clover, it wasn't all about sex for me.....it was about a connection at the time, I had a need to explore/experience/live. It wasn't a fantasy to me.....in that he was my fantasy man (cause he wasn't).....it was more like an escape from reality for me. I should have just went to the shopping mall for my escape and had retail therapy after the way it messed up my brain.

I agree with a lot of what shoretime has to say, especially in the last paragraph. I suppose my thought at this moment....being further out of the fog and my A (and trust me, there was a time- when I thought maybe if I talked to my H I could make him understand that I loved him, but needed Om too. Well that was when I was way into the fog...and thankfully- I never ever had that conversation with my H. My husband thankfully does not know about my A). My point is, that YES, we can feel like we can love two people or want to be with two people at the same time, and for me it was not strictly sexual. My H and Om both gave me different things I needed emotionally & yes even sexually- although ultimately the relationship with my Om ended up being very toxic. However, if it was a fantasy world, and I could have them both....I very well would. But this is not a fantasy world- this is real life. Ultimately we are not animals- we are humans with much higher emotions and intellectualism, etc. Therefore, we make vows to one another, and this vow is to remind us that we are choosing to partner for life. It is not just a random mating act. Being that this is real life- our choices do not just effect us. They effect us, our spouses, our children, and family. Our choices have great effect upon all aspects of our life. Granted polyamory may work for many- and that is fine if all participants are agreeable, but if you are in a monogamous relationship- then you have to honor the boundaries given. It is not fair to the other partner involved to honor that vow. Hence, is this easy- not at all. But you have to make a choice- honor or selfishness. Gosh that sounds harsh- but I can admit my affair- although I can justify it 3 ways to Sunday if I wanted to- was ultimately selfish, and something I wish I could go back and undo. I can't so I am making peace with my behavior. I am being the wife I vowed to be. It is not easy- I love my husband, but he is not perfect, and doesn't always give me everything I need emotionally, but then again the same can be said for me. My husband and I are 2 people on this vastly populated planet...that somehow against all odds met. We decided 19 years ago to be a partner to each other and to love only each other. Marriage is not a walk in the park. We have had wonderful wonderful times together, but also tough ones as well. We do not always see eye to eye, but we really do try to work together as a team. Monogamy is for sure a thought out choice. There is probably no one on this earth more right for me than my husband- but no it isn't always easy. Most things that are worth something are not easy. Food for thought.