Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

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emptybuthopeful 08/01/2015

Has anyone ever contacted their AP's spouse because you felt really remorseful and wanted to almost 'connect' them after finding out your AP is actually an evil, sex fiend who preys on anything and everything and you didn't know this until after it ended as you were just another pawn in their game. Like the person they portrayed was kind, gentle and obviously told you all the right things.

Now you feel ever so sorry you've hurt their spouse (spouse knows). Don't know if this makes any sense. But i hate my AP im disgusted in myself and i literally throw up everytime i think about how i endangered my family.

sedgwick4914 08/04/2015

Empty:

Reply to #12:

I understand the urge to make amends to the AP's spouse and you should have that desire, but that is all it should be. A while back I wrote about the 12-steps for overcoming addition from Alcoholics Anonymous and two of them come to mind with regards to what you are thinking:

#8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make
amends to them all; and

#9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do
so would injure them or others.

That last phrase is key. IMHO, I just don't see how contacting the AP (even if to make amends) could be done without causing emotional injury to her, or to her children if she has any. It just cannot be done.

sedgwick4914 08/04/2015

I meant to say: I don't see how contacting the AP's SPOUSE . . .

sorry.

emptybuthopeful 08/05/2015

You are absolutely right Sedgwick as I had just found out from my H that my AP's Spouse believes all the lies her husband has told her about our relationship, including the fact that i will always only love him, that i never loved my husband , that i am good at lying and that i kept making contact with him. So she has chosen to move on and believe him, while my H doesn't believe anything I say- it's all so ironic. my H thinks his the only loser in all this... but as CS, can i not also be a loser? do I have no right to have feelings ever??

Nevertheless i'm glad i never made contact all I can do is pray for her and her kids if i am sincere.

sarah2220 08/05/2015

This is why NC is critical--if you or your H were not in contact with the ex-AP or his wife, these issues would not be causing such pain and you two could move on and concentrate on each other. Concentrating on what is going on with the AP is counterproductive.

You do have the right to have feelings, but how you express them is also critical. Your job right now is to repair the damage that was caused by the A. Until. That means nothing but kindness, understanding and love towards your H. You cannot portray your H as being responsible for any part of your decision to cheat. And you will need patience--lots of it, as you will most likely have to answer the same questions and go over the same things over and over again (but your H should be talking to you not the AP or his W). As a BS, I realize how much patience my boyfriend had to have with me, and I am a level headed person--cheating is so damaging to the heart. I am sure it was hard for him, but he helping me heal my heart the priority, and that has worked for us.

If you feel the need to vent your frustration, do it with a friend, do not direct it at your H.

sedgwick4914 08/05/2015

Hey Everyone:

I just read an article that relates a lot to this thread and I thought it would be interesting to share:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/how-to-respond-when-someone-you-know-is-cheating_55c107a7e4b0a50ad0aaa9b3?kvcommref=mostpopular

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