Don't do it. Even if your intentions are good, don't do it.

1. You won't feel better/less guilty
2. You will feel like an asshole

I didn't do it - thankfully. I have regrets about my A (400000 of them), but that isn't one.

You're probably right... Thank you

Pretty is right--as a CS who had an AP contact me (after DDay), mark my words, it can blow up in your face.
The OW in my case did do some harm (she intended harm not good), but ultimately it probably did more harm to her than to me.

No... I contacted her because he said that they were seperated and getting a divorce. I wanted to make sure that they were on the same page regarding the divorce. The day I spoke with her was the last day I spoke to him. Apparently she was still hoping to reconcile. I didn't want to be in the way, and I wasn't attracted to him anyway so that was an easy way out.

Noooooo.......
AND my AP WAS an evil sex fiend...LOL (you just let it go after awhile)
So, I think its normal and part of the process to be pissed after all the crap they brainwashed you with; HOWEVER, take a step back and think of this.....1) If he is EVIL (and mine might not have been EVIL, deranged, yes, not necessarily evil) you have no idea what they are capable of or what retaliation they might seek out on you if you contact their wife. That idea actually terrified me. I had not idea what that man is capable of.
2) If you were his wife and have just learned you are married to a slime ball...the last person you'd want to hear from is one of his OW. Am I right? I believe you are remorseful. I am. But as a wife, I would care less, and want you to stay away. Far away.
The best advice I got from here, from Pretty, when I was really angry was to let it sit for a week. Do nothing for one week. I calmed down, rationalized, and understood it was part of the process. He is her problem. God bless her.

Thanks , my H contacted my AP's wife and didn't tell me. He obviously did other investigations because he's been telling me the most evil of things about my AP that i did not know at all. to me my AP was shy, naive never had an A before like myself- goes to show how naive and stupid i was also. So he's wife does know what she is married to-i've just been feeling so sorry for her and the kids- but you are all right, it's not my concern ... like i'm dealing with shit right now so is she on another level.

What concerns me is my H keeps saying "Do you know the man you've slept with. Do you know what kind of person he is." and slowly insinuates all the bad stuff which i knew nothing of. And when i said you obviously investigated he said it's none of my business... this is terrible, as we are moving backward rather than forward.

He keeps saying he won't heal until he gets honesty from me about everything - but i don''t know what more he wants to know. he asks me for specific dates, months about gifts and I have no recollection of dates I'm THE worst at remembering dates and things and really trying.

Did any of your BS play like really depressing music or music that insights betrayal like 24/7?? or make weird statements to the kids to purposefully exclude you, like :" oneday, when i'm old will you look after me" i know it sounds silly but it's in my f*cking face like his emotionally punishing me by doing and saying all these things. sometimes i wish he'd rather just slap me to get it out of his system but he already told me that i do not deserve that for him to degrade himself in that way or stoop to that level. but for me, this other type of punishment taking our wedding pictures down all this other crap is like an emotional punishment. i know i deserve it but wtf???

Post-A, there are so many emotions swirling around in everyone involved, that to me, believing much of anything is difficult. Especially believing either an AP or H or W of your CS that you don't know.

Then there are the wacko AP's--the OW in our case, post DDay (2 months post DDay) decided to punish my boyfriend for us blocking her on social media by contacting me and informing me of the details of their short (2 week) A. She did this out of anger, blaming him 100% for the rejection she felt, even though she had signed up as an OW, as he did not hide the fact that I was in my life from her. She thought that she was going to steal him from me, but he came to his senses quickly (red flags all over the place), and ended things between them to save our relationship.

After sending me the stuff she did, she then told me that the reason that she was telling me all this stuff was so I would know what kind of man he was. Like she was protecting me--seriously??? Like I was going to believe that she had good intentions????

Then she sent an e-mail to my boyfriend threatening ME!!! A police report was immediately filed, and my boyfriend cam down really hard on her for threatening me.

Then the next day she e-mailed my boyfriend telling him that she regretted the events of the previous day and that she had been drinking. She had e-mailed us both stuff over the course of 8 hours--I sincerely doubt that she was drunk all that time. She told him he would never hear from her again (which I did not believe).

Then she started stalking us at an event we regularly attend and, yep he heard from her again--she sent him another e-mail 4 months later, telling him she was stalking us, outlining places that we had been where we did not see her.

His response--no response. And other than one more stalking incident, where we saw her, we have not heard from her for 8 months now. :-) :-) :-)

The point is that as a BS, I was not particularly believing much of anything other than what my boyfriend told me, and all those gyrations by the OW did more harm than good, and mostly did harm to her. So if it were me, I would leave the BS alone and let them get on with their lives. The truth will come out.

Also, . . . before contacting the BS, I really think that we all have to take serious consideration into how "blowing things up" will impact those that are COMPLETELY INNOCENT in all this. Besides hurting the BS, you could also be hurting their completely innocent children if they have any. Seriously, those of us that our cheaters have to stop acting immature about this. Unless the AP lied to us about being married, we very well knew what we were signing up for and to now contemplate blowing things up just so we feel better is just plain wrong. AP and BS are adults and would hopefully recover from things being blown up, but if they have kids, those children's lives could be devastated by someone like us calling the BS. It is just not right. Their lives might end up devastated anyway, but it should not be directly because of us calling the BS.

Sure, I deserve really bad things to happen to me for what I have done, but nobody's kids deserve to suffer needlessly regardless of what their bad parents have done to each other.

So Sarah, clearly her method/intention was crazy. BUT would you had rather not known because we CS can be very very clever OR would you rather have had the truth come out in a different method?

I also agree with Sedge we did know what we are signing up for. I can only speak for my AP he sent out red flags on our very first meet, it was my choice to stay for all those years. I put myself in that position to hang out for more. Again, someone like that....to that extent..... (And in fairness not all APs are like hers or mine, she and both gravitated toward particularly dastardly characters )..... You don't know what he is capable of. It helped me to sometimes see it as a learning experience and I know that sounds very complacent right now..... My friends here know it took me a long time to get to this point.

Sedgwick no the intention was not to blow things up at all- she knows everything already in more detail than my H did and since earlier on. The purpose was never to tell her what a horrid man she's married to at all. She already knows all these things. it was purely coming from me maybe a guilty conscience far too late- but i just feel really bad thats all and i just wanted to apologise to her for hurting her and her family as I've realised how blinded i was and selfish. but I know it wouldn't mean much- basically I'm trying to make amends with everyone and trying to lead a good honest life..

I always think what if i bump into her one day which is highly likely as we live just a few km away from each other, go to the same shopping centres etc. how would i react, would i walk passed? would i stop to say something, what would i say?

Sarah:

IMHO:
It doesn't matter how the AP's BS finds out -or if they find out at all.

As the AP it is not our place to tell anyone anything. Our place is to get out of the A, before too much damage is done, and work on ourselves and hopefully restore ourselves to a healthy emotional state with healthy relationships.

As for the AP's spouse and the AP are both presumably grown ups and they have to do the same as us -get to healthy; but whether they do it or not is not our business.

Shore, it was not like I did not know. The truth about the A was already out, except for the truth that she was bonkers! My boyfriend had confessed the A to me, it was not discovered, and that was over 2 months before the OW sent the e-mails. My boyfriend had even told me things that were painful to tell me, things he really could have kept hidden, including one specific in particular about what happened that was particularly bad. He would not have had to tell me this, but he realized that he needed to be completely honest.

Good thing he told me about that one thing, because the OW threw that little detail in when she contacted me, and had it been anything new, it very well would have been a dealbreaker.

All the OW really accomplished after all that was said and done by contacting me was to convince both my boyfriend and I that she was completely crazy and most likely sociopathic, which helped him to learn a lesson that people are not always as they seem (he thought she was a nice person, she was educated and articulate--however he only knew her about 3 weeks). He also learned that it is not a good idea to share very personal information with people you don't know--that trust has to be earned, and last but not least, her behavior insured that even if she was the last woman on this earth that he would never go back to her.

We could have done without the threats, though, as we feared for our pets for a while. Post-threat, I did see the OW driving slowly by my house one day, but I think she might have seen me so she quickly sped off. Fortunately nothing bad happened to either of us.

Wow..... And yeah, I agree, you gotta be careful who you get involved with out there. When I thought and witnessed all my OM was capable of I would be terrified of retaliation. Everyone is different though, all APs and A's are different as are BS's.... On the other hand if my H was like him, I'd hands down want to know. But it was not my decision to decide which kind of BS she was as I know what kind of CS he was.