Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Yesterday I had my first post. I outlined the story of how I betrayed my fiance by cheating on her and lying to her. Unfortunately, I put it into the wrong group. I'm feeling like the past year-plus of my life has been an out-of-body experience. I always told myself I didn't want to be one to cheat on someone who I absolutely love, but, alas, I did. And I covered it up. And I did it again. I've finally hit the bottom; I realize that I don't think she wants to be with me anymore. It's kind of like waking in a bad dream whereby I am the "boogeyman" causing the terrors. I'm my own worst enemy.
I know I can conquer this. In my heart of hearts, I know I can not cheat on my fiance again. I'm ashamed that I did in the first place. I stopped being able to communicate with her and internalized all the things that frustrated me in our relationship. As we moved forward to being engaged, and I encountered temptation, I couldn't stop myself. I was weak and internally frustrated with the relationship. However, I never wanted to leave the relationship. This might not make sense to a lot of people, but I always knew I loved her and would end up with her. The force between us is gravitational in nature. I am absolutely mortified that I might be losing her. I know I can be faithful. I was weak and willing prior, however, it seems as if things have "clicked." I'm ready to clean up my act. I'm ready to be able to voice my opinions with her. I want to work at what we have and cultivate our relationship back into something amazing. I'm praying that she decides to let me show her that I can work at this and be faithful.
She doesn't really believe much of what I say - and I can't blame her! But something really is different now. It's hard to put to wards, but it is a finite feeling. Seeing her really about to leave has forced me to reflect on my life and on what I really want. I think I couldn't define what exactly I wanted in life before, which led to many issues. I know what I want and she is the most core aspect of that. I need to be the man I promised to be when we met. I'm going to pursue aggressive therapy.
Here's to hoping she gives me a shot.
I'm a betrayed spouse but I like to learn about the humans behind both sides of the spectrum so I really didn't mind seeing your post there.
My husband is extremely remorseful for the ways he betrayed me. In his case it was under heavy influence of drugs & alcohol and it never went as far as sex but it still hurt like crazy regardless.
I can probably tell you exactly what your partner is feeling right now. She's probably haunted by the mental images of you being with another girl. She probably wonders what other lies you told her. She's probably feeling like she was in love with the illusion of you and that your true self is not that person. This makes the betrayed spouse go through grief. As if the person they thought they were with has died... These are some of the surefire symptoms a betrayed spouse goes through.
Now here's what helped me hang in. (I'm 5 months since D Day):
-My husband signed us up for couples counseling ASAP because he knew he had no time to waste as I was heading out the door and absolutely miserable.
-He cut ties with friends who knew I was being lied to and just enabled him to live this double life. Also for sobriety purposes in his case...
-he lets me cry, yell, vent as these are all natural reactions to your whole world being rocked by the love of your life.
-he lets me ask same questions over and over again and gives me the details I demand. What he is not willing to disclose remains a secret and that's no longer allowed as I have the right to complete transparency at this point. No matter how uncomfortable it makes you, you have to give your partner the right to uncover details they need for their own reasons.
I hope this helps... I am glad to see how remorseful you are. I wish you the best. It'll be lots of work but it isn't impossible.