Yes, all the time. Since the beginning. For me I think it’s all relative. A day of guilt makes me want to end the affair. A fight with my H makes me feel validated. Hormones on the upswing bring feelings of hotness and desire for my AP. And then the realization of my selfishness and thinking of the consequences make me want to end it again. Then of course there are the days in between that I just don’t think about and push it down deep. My feelings are all over the place.

I think it’s important to consider what you always come back to - whatever that is for you. You probably already know deep down what the best, right thing is for you to do. Listen to the logical side of you and not just the feelings, because they lie to us. I think it comes down to just making the commitment and never looking back.

I need to take my own advice.

"Today I want to get back with my H. I miss us and our family". That tells me you need to choose your H & family. If you stay with your AP, eventually the physical attraction will wear off & you will find you have nothing in common with this person. Also, you will have to deal with co parenting with your H.....every other weekend visits.......birthdays, holidays, graduations, on & on & on. That loss of family feeling will overpower everything else. You think you feel selfish now, wait until there's an event where your children are looking at you & your H and having to experience the awkwardness of a stepfather & most likely a stepmother. I'm not saying there aren't perfectly normal children out there who've accepted a blended family but why do this if your marriage is salvageable?

I'm only going on what you've posted but it sounds to me like you want your family. Tell your AP it's over & stick to it. Go total no contact. If he calls, sit on your hands if you have to, to keep from answering the phone. Delete texts before you read them. Block, block, block!!! No stalking either. In time you will accept your decision & you won't regret it. In time you'll wonder what the hell came over you to begin with. Believe me, I've been there. We all have.

Clovermoon, I needed to read that today! Thanks for sharing.

This post is SO relatable. I keep screwing up my relationship because I'm impulsive and go back to my AP when I really should have stayed with my boyfriend. I really messed up this time and he's not going to take me back. So yeah I messed up.

I agree with the comments above me.

Dig deep. Really try to do the right thing and what's best for you. Stick to your guns if you decide to block your AP. I didnt and if you could look where I'm at now - I'm All alone not even wanting to be with my AP. Think long term - about your future.

Good luck. Here for support.