Next week will mark roughly 3 years since I first logged on to this site when my world fell apart after my affair was discovered.  I periodically pop back on to update my status.  I want to educate those who may be in the midst of an affair on what life will look like if they keep persuing something that will most likely be a death sentence to their relationship.  I'm nowhere near where I thought I would be, both good and bad and there have been a lot of uphill battles and struggles along the way just to remotely claw my way out of the rut that I was in.  There were far more losses than gains; gone are my husband, my house, time, money, friends, self respect...things of value that I can no longer account for because of what I did.  There's no fairytale happy ending, no light at the end of the tunnel kind of bullshit I can embellish you with, just the truth, at least my truth.   

And the truth is, it's been 3 years and I'm still not over it.  I think about and miss my ex-husband all of the time and have to fight the urge to desperately call/text him.  I had to block him on social media because he's moved on and seeing him with another woman hurt me like I could not imagine; karma in its' truest form.  I still struggle with guilt and I have become just a shadow of who I used to be, knocked down quite a few pegs and can no longer recognize myself.  I just recently sold the marital home that I adored.  It was the only anchor I had left to ground me and it also had to suffer the fate of my affair. 

I've been in a relationship with a man for a little over a year and I am so reluctant to trust him.  I can't allow myself to open up completely, my anxiety runs my thoughts now and those thoughts are rampant with so much doubt and second guessing.  I find myself comparing him to my ex-husband and I'm disappointed because he doesn't come close to matching up.  I don't even feel like my life is my own anymore.  I don't know who I am, I feel like I just go through the motions to survive.  Things have gotten worse since I sold my house and moved in with my boyfriend.  I have never felt more insecure in everything.  My boyfriend is a decent guy, but I don't think he was prepared for all of the emotional baggage I brought with me from my divorce.  So now another relationship suffers because of what I did.  

Moral of the story; there's a trickle down effect to an affair that becomes a painstakingly long, steady drip of destruction and discontentment.  If you have any moral fortitude or at least a margin of humanity or emotion, you'll feel that gaping wound of your transgressions for a long time after the trigger has been pulled and the barrel has cooled.  It doesn't heal; it festers, scabs, rips open time and again just to remind you of the scars you left on someone else's life.  So here I am 3 years later, no better, no worse; existing in the decay of time and the abysmal memories of what was, what could have been, and what life is now.  It's not worth it kids.