Wow, it's been a hot minute since I've logged on to this site.  Two and a half years, a drawn out divorce, and some extra gray hairs later I figured I owed this site an update.  I don't often see many people follow up after their initial posts/queries for whatever reason, but I'm here to offer a little hope to anyone who feels like the bottom has dropped out from their life because of their infidelity.  I'm here to encourage that beyond the fear and dispair, past the confusion and pain, there will be a time where you can come up for air, dust yourself off, and try again.  I in no way condone or support infidelity; it nearly destroyed my life and hurt a great deal of people that I loved, but I'm here to let you know that life does go on, and you'll go on too in spite of it all. 

I look back at my past posts and at the mess of a woman I was.  I look back at all of the pain and hopelessness I was feeling and realize it was all part of a process; an unpleasant one but also neccessary because it was my karma/penance/punishment for what I had done.  I learned a lot about myself when I was in the midst of losing everything.  I found a new strength I did not know existed within myself, I learned how to be alone, to embrace the power of finding myself amidst the choas of unraveling.  But I also learned to reach out for help and support when I needed it, hence why I came to this site in the first place.  

I won't sugar coat it; the whole process of getting caught, watching your spouse of almost 13 years leave you and never come back, going through an ugly divorce, and trying to rebuild your life afterwards with the scraps of your past totally sucks and it was one of the hardest times of my life.  There were some really dark points where I didn't think I was going to pull through and wanted to end it all.  Everything, and I mean everything changed.  The life I knew was no longer and I had to re-learn how to live with a new set of rules, a lot less money, and almost no outside support.  But I did it.  I got up every single day and figured it out.  I improvised, I fumbled, I cursed God, I fell down a hell of a lot more times than I cared to get up...but the show had to go on.  Every time I picked myself up and reset, it was a little victory and I got stronger and stronger with each little triumph.  Eventually and when you least expect it, you learn to forgive yourself and start accepting that things are and will be different.  You come to terms with the fact that life goes on, your spouse moved on, and you must move on.  You wake up one day and things just don't hurt as much, and the next day even less, until the heart that used to ache has learned to just continue beating with no mind to the past.  You will hold your head high again one day, when you're ready.  

Roughly two and a half years post D-day; My divorce was lengthy and expensive, but I got through it.  I decided to try dating again over the summer as I finally felt ready and met a wonderful man who has taught me how to love again.  I will be relocating to another city in the coming months with hope for a fresh start and clean slate.  There is light at the end of the tunnel and there is hope for those who hold on and believe.  

To all of those reading this tonight who may have or are thinking about stepping out on your marriage/relationship, I implore you to look back at my past posts and read from others who's lives were turned upside down by what they were doing and reconsider your next move.  Nothing is worth the pain and heartache that comes from infidelity.  YOU WILL GET CAUGHT...even if you think otherwise.  The truth always comes to the surface.  We all have choices, and I hope you choose to do the right thing.