I agree with a lot of it and that it's not a simple issue. Some of us grew up in families with major boundary and privacy issues, so ramping up the "I'm checking up on you" behaviors opens up old wounds that have to be dealt with. It is also tricky in relationships where the balance of power and control, if you will, was already shifted toward the BS prior to the affair and is one of the dynamics that is in need of change for the marriage to continue.

I did not invite my BS to this website or another affair recovery site where I post. For me, it's like individual counseling, a safe place to work through my stuff. I don't mind that he knows I post somewhere, but this is like a diary I do not plan to share.

gravinggirl, totally get where this is a place where you can vent. i let my hubbie know, but its a choice i made because i feel ok with it. i must tell you all, that being here has really helped me get to a better place. i used to sometimes google the ow for no other reason but curiosity, this i realized was not good for me at all. being here in this group has really helped.

My H has seen that I use this site. He hasn't asked about it (don't ask don't tell).....like GG, its a safe place to write it out. I used to actually read my journal entries to my therapist if I was having a particularly bad week.
My journal was a way to get those thoughts out of my head. As for the email account, its now more of a place I can go to (when I rarely go), to remember the madness of my A and actually going there, reminds me of all the negativity (secrecy, nonsense, lies) of a life I no longer lead in a very low time in my life. But, yes, its mine. It would serve no purpose telling him about it or showing it to him, it would only create hurt. I am no longer that person tied to that account.

I just don't want that double life anymore. It became my choice. Period. I don't want a secret life anymore. My life is calmer, more peaceful, more transparent, much less stressful. I don't need to lie about where I am going or who I am with. I don't need to perseverate over the dynamics of a relationship I can't openly share with just anyone. I have real friends, I am more secure, I am more confident. So, I don't think the terms of "the CS has lost their right to privacy forever" would really be beneficial. We made mistakes, we changed, we moved forward. This period in my life does not define who I am or my marriage. I need it behind me in order to enjoy the rest of my life. I cannot forever be punished for something when I am no longer behaving in that way. CS's punish themselves enough, trust me. If my BS couldn't do that---ever put it behind him, and continue to forever police me---then I/we need to make other choices that may not include remaining married. Life is entirely too short to live in a state of perpetual animosity, no? I know I couldn't live like that. I believe, at some point each has to take accountability, forgive, and move forward.

Even those that go to prison are set free after they do their time.

Glad you are no longer googling the OW.......I know its so tempting to stalk......but stalking keeps you 'in it'

It needs to be equal... If you are "needing" privacy there isn't any reason to be married.. What are you keeping secret? You spending habits? Your secret special friend? There shouldn't be anything you couldn't let each other see ... If there is you have a lot of work still ahead you. Secrets destroy marriages

Marriage doesn't negate privacy, because privacy is not the same as secrecy. Every human is entitled to privacy boundaries.

You know......let me give you an example of the 'secret/private' old email account I have and the reason why I'm not ready to let it go. I never, ever go on there to look at 'memories or reminisce'.
Last night I had a vivid dream about my old AP. Today, Monday morning I woke up......alone in the house........my mind is going to the way he looked, things he said, our dynamic together.......I'm remembering......I miss him incredibly. (Side note: the man was hugely toxic to me, besides the fact that it was an affair, probably the most damaging relationship I ever had with anyone in my life). I needed to remember clearly just how damaging he was- so yep, I opened up the account, went through a few emails I had and there it was.....a front line reminder on why he is toxic to me.

And this is how I cope and that is what works for me now. I may not need it again for months, maybe never (hopefully).....but it works for me. I could very easily called my husband I guess and said, "hey had a dream about the man that captivated me and now I can't get him out of my head, the way he looked, the way he smelled, his eyes, his smile, the way he enchanted me".....yeah, but that probably wouldn't have gone over well..........so for now, the secret/private, whatever you want to call it account stays...... and I would never let my husband see my journals or know the details of what I discussed in therapy.......where I was that time of my life would destroy him......I'm not doing that to anyone, let alone him.

I understand that, shoretimenow, and I do not think it is the same thing as keeping a secret relationship from your spouse. It's part of your process of healing and personal growth. I am certainly not going to burden my spouse by telling him how hard it is for me at times to emotionally move on from my affair. He knows when the affair ended, he knows I struggled, and I am transparent in NC. Healing is my responsibility.

If I'm being completely honest, I don't think that any betrayed spouse should join the marriage police force. It's an incredible waste of time and energy. I would tell every betrayed spouse to turn that energy on themselves and show themselves extreme love and care.

I don't think that transparency should be enforced at all and if you don't want to give it, then I believe that's the all the information a betrayed spouse needs. Don't you think?

A therapist who makes podcasts about affair recovery agrees that the BS should not do the work of the CS (monitoring the relationship). If they are reconciling, the CS should be transparent on his/her own.