That is a tough one. Most people know, but will never truly understand until they see it. Not only would your H need to talk to him, but you would too. Also if there is something in their marriage that isn't right they would need counseling, either way they need counseling, eventually he would tell her what was happening. It also depends on how close the brothers are and how close you are to the W. Its a tough situation. This one you guys just need to go with your gut.

During my A the consequences were more severe because of the military. We both could be thrown in jail if we were found out by our chain of command. It didn't phase us, we both were in need of something from each other. It wasn't right and the fear even now of it being found out is stressful, but we didn't think about it at the time, and frankly we didn't care. Our SOs know and thats where it will stay.

I care now, I will never do it again. Hope that helps!

Depends on what's going on with the H and W. Like omgsrsly said, CS all know the extent, but we get caught up in the fact that everything we wanted from our W/H is being given to us now in the affair, and all we can think about are ways to keep getting it and NOT hurt our spouses.

I also agree that until the CS actually sees the hurt, it's not even a itch an our scalp to think about it. Had someone told me about the extent of the hurt I would cause, I would have replied, "yeah...I know", but it would have been a hint to me to be more careful. I cheated on my GF for two years with the same female. Never wanted to lose my GF, yet, the affair gave me everything I lusted for. The other female even knew I would not date her, she just didn't know why. So, I got the best of both. All the while, it's always in my head what would happen if my GF found out, so, I made sure to make sure she never did.

Now that it's done and over, I won't do it again to her. Therapy has been a big help to me in finding out things about myself I didn't know and needed fixing. I have a different outlook on my life and those in it now.

I would hope your husband does talk to his brother. Most importantly, your husband will have to share his own experience with his affair with is brother if he really wants the affects of cheating to be brought out to his brother. Because it is that moment when the brother hears of the hurt caused that it might make him want to stop what he is doing. But again.....unless you are in good with the brother's wife and brother, you don't really know the extent of their relationship, but you can show some concern.

Maybe your H should suggest that his brother come here. I can remember a couple of instances where people came here looking for advice who were in an affair, or were thinking of starting an affair, and were convinced to end it and do the right thing.

I think that is a valid point peace. There was someone that just posted that she came on here and it helped her to stop before things became worse.

I agree with the above postings. I think your H should talk to him. You really don't know for a fact that he is having an A, but as a CS who uses txt messages and instant messages to communicate with the OM, yup, i'd say the odds are pretty good. But if it comes from someone who loves him and can relate a real life experience, maybe it will get through to him.

Thanks for all your insights. They have helped me.

i think its possible for a CS to get it on a conscious level but still want to deny the consequences emotionally or whatever. maybe it would be different if the A is just a want but for most of us it's meeting a need. we don't give up something we need very easily. i think a lot of the times its only when faced with having to choose the marriage or the A partner that our priorities and our real needs become clear. i remember feeling like the OM was meeting my needs until I was about to lose my marriage and then realized that my H was meeting my needs too. different needs though, then i had to decide which needs were most important.

maybe it helps to ask yourself which needs are being met by my marriage that makes it hard for me to leave and be with my A partner. if it wasn't good in some way we would just leave right? so which bundle of benefits is more important? what i got from OM or what i get from my H?

My H has said he didn't realize he had needs that weren't being met by me until the OW demonstrated that she could give him something that he wasn't getting from me and wasn't even really aware of until he met her. Once he became aware of something that she could give him that he wasn't getting it became a "need".

I think that determining if something is a "need" or a "want" is a personal choice. I think we all have the ability to decide if something we want is something we need, and therefore something we can't live without, or something we just want but can do without. The reality of it is that the only things we really need to survive are food, water, air, shelter, sunlight, and perhaps clothing (depending on where you live). Things like love, attention, admiration and the like are emotional and are not necessary for our survival.

http://www.toddlertime.com/mh/terms/healing-touch.htm

if i am in an accident and they can't fix me up and i will be in a coma or on life support i want them to pull the plug because to me that wouldn't be a life at all. that would just be surviving. i don't want to just survive. settling for just having absolute needs met for the sake of doing the 'right' thing sounds like a life without joy and to me then whats the point?

maybe we don't need admiration or sex but love and attention i think are real needs. and touch is a real need http://www.toddlertime.com/mh/terms/healing-touch.htm for years my husband never touched me unless he wanted sex and it got so i didn't want sex with him anymore cuz i resented that he wouldn't touch me. i'm not an infant and i won't die without touch but that doesn't mean that emotional needs are less significant. if we survive but our emotinal needs are not met then what is the point of surviving?

I have heard a great deal about babies and childrens actual need for touch and affection in order for them to thrive and develop correctly, but it is different for adults. Babies and children are still developing and growing. That is not the case with adults, but I do believe it makes adults healthier, happier and more well adjusted. Hermits and recluses can still survive without human interaction, and some people actually don't want to interact with other people. They prefer to be alone and avoid human contact. Everyone is different.

I agree that a life without love and affection would not be much of a life. I wouldn't want to be a recluse or a hermit. I would probably be miserable because love and affection are something I desperately want, but if they were taken from me, like they would have been (at least temporarily) if my H left me for the OW, I would have survived. .

[quote]Things like love, attention, admiration and the like are emotional and are not necessary for our survival. [unquote]

I have to say I completely disagree with this. What is the use of life if one is merely "surviving" but not "living"? For me, personally, I could have food, water, clothing, shelter... but if I have no one to share laughter with, someone to love and talk to ... really, what good is any of it?? I'd rather be dead.

I wanted a life of love and affection, but I also wanted a sober husband that I could respect. More important to me than sex is how a person's brain works. I was attracted to his sense of humor and his intelligence when I first met him and since that time, the alcohol has robbed him of everything I "needed" from him. So from that stand point, the OM has given me a lot of emotional and intellectual satisfaction and the sex is good to. And for those of you who don't know me, I am leaving my H without having a DDay. I'm pulling the plug, not for the OM, but because the OM showed me that I was even more unhappy than previously thought.

sure, you would survive if your H left you for the OW, i think most of us have survived a breakup. but is it fair to expect a person to stay in the marriage without affection or touch or whatever we need and just survive? i know the answer is that if i'm just surviving i should just leave but thats not what my H wants, or my kids. they would all rather let me suffer as long as all their needs are met. my happiness doesn't matter here until they sense their about to lose me.

seachic you said i'd rather be dead. i can't count the number of times i thought about suicide before the A, and i did tell my H i felt that way. he just saw it as a manipulation not an expression of how much i was hurting.

To Kirbygmom:

I am so sorry ... I know the pain of alcoholism & what it steals from you. I understand why you are leaving your H -I'm sure it was not an easy decision by any means!

I wish you peace & happiness, even if the OM isn't a part of your future. Good luck to you, and STAY STRONG. Because YES - you are worth every bit of happiness you desire.