Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I posted this as a journal entry but then decided to post it here too:
I was working in OM's neighborhood again today. I have gotten to where I am mostly okay on these days once every other week, but just a little nervous when I go to and from the car. I was there from 12:30 to 5:30. I honestly think he looks for excuses to go in and out of the neighborhood a lot when I am there and sometimes he walks his dogs. The house I go to is at the entrance of the neighborhood and it is a family with small children. I have been cleaning for them for four years and truthfully, they know a bit of what happened, but not the extent of it unless they found out about the book my H wrote, which is a possibility. I have actually become very good friends with them and I look forward to working for them except for worrying about OM and just feeling generally unsettled when I am there. I was cleaning this house when the OM called me out of the blue in February which stirred things up so badly and sent me scurrying back to counseling.
I actually had a really good day there today and was in a good state of mind until I was about to leave. The whole family was playing outside to stay out of my way so I could get finished. It was a really really nice day. Other neighborhood kids were outside as well. Well, I looked out the blinds before leaving and there was OM, walking his dogs. He was standing out front and some neighborhood kids were petting his dogs. He was smiling, looking just like he did during our A. Baseball cap and all. I was shaken. I wasn't sure how to feel. I waited till he was well around the corner before venturing to my car and making my escape. I tried to take it nonchalantly, but I wasn't fooling me. I actually got my H on my bluetooth before heading to the car. I told him all about it immediately. I got home and we talked about it a bit more. I was still trying to pretend to myself that it didn't really affect me. I found myself in the kitchen alone. I stood at the sink and closed my eyes and saw him as he was standing outside just hours before with his dogs. Suddenly it was like I was hit by a two by four. I said to myself, "you sinned with that man....you sinned big big big. You hurt yourself so badly and you trauma shocked your H and hurt him so so badly too. You caused so much pain and sadness, sorrow, despair and trauma with that man."
Suddenly that image of him standing there represented not the bond we shared, but all the pain and trauma that the A caused. I went to my H and sat on his lap straddling him. I put my head on his shoulder and cried. My tears worried him a bit until I told him why. He thought I was about to make a hard confession or something; like that I had had a conversation with OM or something.
I have struggled all these 2.5 years with my feelings over OM. The feelings have changed over time, but always what I had attached to him were the feelings and memories from the A, which I just tried to shove away where they could slowly fade. I really have no negativity towards him so I never had that to help me out. I believe I made a major shift today and achieved a big turning point because I attached something different to him for the first time by attaching the pain the A caused to him. Does this mean I blame him? NO! I take 100% blame for myself. He gets 100% for himself, but how much blame he actually takes is up to him.
I was working in OM's neighborhood again today. I have gotten to where I am mostly okay on these days once every other week, but just a little nervous when I go to and from the car. I was there from 12:30 to 5:30. I honestly think he looks for excuses to go in and out of the neighborhood a lot when I am there and sometimes he walks his dogs. The house I go to is at the entrance of the neighborhood and it is a family with small children. I have been cleaning for them for four years and truthfully, they know a bit of what happened, but not the extent of it unless they found out about the book my H wrote, which is a possibility. I have actually become very good friends with them and I look forward to working for them except for worrying about OM and just feeling generally unsettled when I am there. I was cleaning this house when the OM called me out of the blue in February which stirred things up so badly and sent me scurrying back to counseling.
I actually had a really good day there today and was in a good state of mind until I was about to leave. The whole family was playing outside to stay out of my way so I could get finished. It was a really really nice day. Other neighborhood kids were outside as well. Well, I looked out the blinds before leaving and there was OM, walking his dogs. He was standing out front and some neighborhood kids were petting his dogs. He was smiling, looking just like he did during our A. Baseball cap and all. I was shaken. I wasn't sure how to feel. I waited till he was well around the corner before venturing to my car and making my escape. I tried to take it nonchalantly, but I wasn't fooling me. I actually got my H on my bluetooth before heading to the car. I told him all about it immediately. I got home and we talked about it a bit more. I was still trying to pretend to myself that it didn't really affect me. I found myself in the kitchen alone. I stood at the sink and closed my eyes and saw him as he was standing outside just hours before with his dogs. Suddenly it was like I was hit by a two by four. I said to myself, "you sinned with that man....you sinned big big big. You hurt yourself so badly and you trauma shocked your H and hurt him so so badly too. You caused so much pain and sadness, sorrow, despair and trauma with that man."
Suddenly that image of him standing there represented not the bond we shared, but all the pain and trauma that the A caused. I went to my H and sat on his lap straddling him. I put my head on his shoulder and cried. My tears worried him a bit until I told him why. He thought I was about to make a hard confession or something; like that I had had a conversation with OM or something.
I have struggled all these 2.5 years with my feelings over OM. The feelings have changed over time, but always what I had attached to him were the feelings and memories from the A, which I just tried to shove away where they could slowly fade. I really have no negativity towards him so I never had that to help me out. I believe I made a major shift today and achieved a big turning point because I attached something different to him for the first time by attaching the pain the A caused to him. Does this mean I blame him? NO! I take 100% blame for myself. He gets 100% for himself, but how much blame he actually takes is up to him.
And even though I do not live with my abusers anymore, they are still abusing me. They are taking more money from my checking account than I say it is OK for them to take. My insert bad words here, X daughter-in-law stole my computer desk. Because of her mismanagement, my checking account was overdrawn while I was in the nursing home and she claimed it was my fault! I think I'm going to need to call Adult Protective Services!