Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I posted this as a journal entry but then decided to post it here too:
I was working in OM's neighborhood again today. I have gotten to where I am mostly okay on these days once every other week, but just a little nervous when I go to and from the car. I was there from 12:30 to 5:30. I honestly think he looks for excuses to go in and out of the neighborhood a lot when I am there and sometimes he walks his dogs. The house I go to is at the entrance of the neighborhood and it is a family with small children. I have been cleaning for them for four years and truthfully, they know a bit of what happened, but not the extent of it unless they found out about the book my H wrote, which is a possibility. I have actually become very good friends with them and I look forward to working for them except for worrying about OM and just feeling generally unsettled when I am there. I was cleaning this house when the OM called me out of the blue in February which stirred things up so badly and sent me scurrying back to counseling.
I actually had a really good day there today and was in a good state of mind until I was about to leave. The whole family was playing outside to stay out of my way so I could get finished. It was a really really nice day. Other neighborhood kids were outside as well. Well, I looked out the blinds before leaving and there was OM, walking his dogs. He was standing out front and some neighborhood kids were petting his dogs. He was smiling, looking just like he did during our A. Baseball cap and all. I was shaken. I wasn't sure how to feel. I waited till he was well around the corner before venturing to my car and making my escape. I tried to take it nonchalantly, but I wasn't fooling me. I actually got my H on my bluetooth before heading to the car. I told him all about it immediately. I got home and we talked about it a bit more. I was still trying to pretend to myself that it didn't really affect me. I found myself in the kitchen alone. I stood at the sink and closed my eyes and saw him as he was standing outside just hours before with his dogs. Suddenly it was like I was hit by a two by four. I said to myself, "you sinned with that man....you sinned big big big. You hurt yourself so badly and you trauma shocked your H and hurt him so so badly too. You caused so much pain and sadness, sorrow, despair and trauma with that man."
Suddenly that image of him standing there represented not the bond we shared, but all the pain and trauma that the A caused. I went to my H and sat on his lap straddling him. I put my head on his shoulder and cried. My tears worried him a bit until I told him why. He thought I was about to make a hard confession or something; like that I had had a conversation with OM or something.
I have struggled all these 2.5 years with my feelings over OM. The feelings have changed over time, but always what I had attached to him were the feelings and memories from the A, which I just tried to shove away where they could slowly fade. I really have no negativity towards him so I never had that to help me out. I believe I made a major shift today and achieved a big turning point because I attached something different to him for the first time by attaching the pain the A caused to him. Does this mean I blame him? NO! I take 100% blame for myself. He gets 100% for himself, but how much blame he actually takes is up to him.
I was working in OM's neighborhood again today. I have gotten to where I am mostly okay on these days once every other week, but just a little nervous when I go to and from the car. I was there from 12:30 to 5:30. I honestly think he looks for excuses to go in and out of the neighborhood a lot when I am there and sometimes he walks his dogs. The house I go to is at the entrance of the neighborhood and it is a family with small children. I have been cleaning for them for four years and truthfully, they know a bit of what happened, but not the extent of it unless they found out about the book my H wrote, which is a possibility. I have actually become very good friends with them and I look forward to working for them except for worrying about OM and just feeling generally unsettled when I am there. I was cleaning this house when the OM called me out of the blue in February which stirred things up so badly and sent me scurrying back to counseling.
I actually had a really good day there today and was in a good state of mind until I was about to leave. The whole family was playing outside to stay out of my way so I could get finished. It was a really really nice day. Other neighborhood kids were outside as well. Well, I looked out the blinds before leaving and there was OM, walking his dogs. He was standing out front and some neighborhood kids were petting his dogs. He was smiling, looking just like he did during our A. Baseball cap and all. I was shaken. I wasn't sure how to feel. I waited till he was well around the corner before venturing to my car and making my escape. I tried to take it nonchalantly, but I wasn't fooling me. I actually got my H on my bluetooth before heading to the car. I told him all about it immediately. I got home and we talked about it a bit more. I was still trying to pretend to myself that it didn't really affect me. I found myself in the kitchen alone. I stood at the sink and closed my eyes and saw him as he was standing outside just hours before with his dogs. Suddenly it was like I was hit by a two by four. I said to myself, "you sinned with that man....you sinned big big big. You hurt yourself so badly and you trauma shocked your H and hurt him so so badly too. You caused so much pain and sadness, sorrow, despair and trauma with that man."
Suddenly that image of him standing there represented not the bond we shared, but all the pain and trauma that the A caused. I went to my H and sat on his lap straddling him. I put my head on his shoulder and cried. My tears worried him a bit until I told him why. He thought I was about to make a hard confession or something; like that I had had a conversation with OM or something.
I have struggled all these 2.5 years with my feelings over OM. The feelings have changed over time, but always what I had attached to him were the feelings and memories from the A, which I just tried to shove away where they could slowly fade. I really have no negativity towards him so I never had that to help me out. I believe I made a major shift today and achieved a big turning point because I attached something different to him for the first time by attaching the pain the A caused to him. Does this mean I blame him? NO! I take 100% blame for myself. He gets 100% for himself, but how much blame he actually takes is up to him.
I'm walking with you.
It seems you've put a lot of effort demonizing yourself and putting him on this "poor innocent soul" pedestal. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you see him as a human whovwas flawed and knowingly carried on with another man's wife. If you change the way you look at him and his actions maybe these rare calls and sightings won't create such an internal battle. To me he is far from an innocent participant. .
Pink
He also knew I was married from our very first conversation. For the first two weeks we were "just friends." He told me later that he assumed I was in a dead marriage (which even if I had of been wouldn't have excused the A for either of us) because of the way I was behaving towards him. That is the main reason I took all the blame for the A, because I was so deep in the fog when I met him. I truly felt fully responsible, like I had just sucked him into my vortex. early on, however, I had to admit that no matter WHAT I did, he could have at least practiced self preservation to not get involved with a married woman. I also made an attempt to end it when I saw where it was going. He knew I was struggling but did not help me put a stop to it.
I did eventually come to a point of saying we each deserve 100% of the blame for our own selves. I do feel like I have made a big leap in the right direction here by seeing him and the A in a different light. I have been irrational about him and I had a lot of guilt concerning him. ( and lots more guilt concerning my H and everything else too) I believe the guilt that I just haven't been able to shake has had a big part in the internal battles.
I think another part of this whole dynamic is just part of my self-punishment, which I am much better about but still struggle with to a degree.
Thanks for your thought provoking reply.
I am currently celibate by the only reasonable choice for me to make right now. I am healing!
You are my favorite POSTER in all of CA.
Thanks stayawayfromhim - I appreciate that. I wish I could be on here more.
Thanks Tantric - good to see you back. So glad you aren't living with your abusers anymore. surround yourself with good people as much as you can.
Reading the rest of part 1 out loud was really tough because I kept starting to cry and choke as I read. I kept pressing on and drinking water as I went, pausing to gather my composure as I could.
She means the absolute world to me, and hopefully, with the help of your book, she'll come to remember that though I did a bad thing, I'm not a bad guy.
Thank you again for sharing your story.
You make me beliieve in TRUE LOVE. Gabi does too.
But if she is to heal, she'll need to face it and grieve over it until she's reached acceptance...that is, she's integrated this even into her life and who she is.
It is interesting, because I'm in the middle of writing a blog post for my author blog about how we can use adversity to grow as people. Become a better person. Every conflict changes us, no matter how small or big. Whether we grow from them or fall because of them is up to us.
Yes, Gabi's affairs hurt me. It was probably one of the if not the biggest trauma's I've ever experienced in my life to date. But I can look at myself and see how dealing with that has made me a better person.
Now I'm facing a new challenge. Earlier this year I was diagnosed by my doctor with Parkinson's Disease, the second biggest neurological disease in the world. Last Monday, a neurologist confirmed it. I don't know what is in store for me. I'll have to live the rest of my life with this worsening condition. But I say that not to garner sympathy, but to face the fact that my body's betrayal is becoming part of who I am just as surely as my wife's.
The question isn't "Why me?" It is "Who am I becoming?"
One can fight it like many do, but these bad things that happen to us, if we can use them to help us grow into better people, then we can redeem them by using what was intended for evil to accomplish something good.
A truth for every CS here. Even the ones who don't yet realize the damage they are doing to themselves and others.
I pray you wife can be helped to move that direction. As you know from reading the book Gabi and I both talked about the As. A lot. It has never been a prohibited topic. Even now, if I had a question, or had a bad day dealing with something about the affair, i know I could bring it up to her and she'd listen and we'd discuss it. Its because we've done that, that the pain is no longer there so much. Hiding from it doesn't make it go away. Only facing it and dealing with it. Then we can grow from it instead of allowing it to stagnate us and rot us from the inside.
SO I CLASP YOUR HAND IN SISTERHOOD! WE CAN WALK OUT OF THIS TOGETHER!.
Tantric - you're sweet, Lol. Your and Cole's diseases are in the same family of diseases and they sure do suck, don't they? I hate it that he has this disease and I have been torturing myself by thinking that the trauma of Dday probably set his disease in motion. The timing is right for that to be true, it seems to me, and it makes sense that such a severe trauma could cause things to happen in the brain. IDK, I suppose blaming myself won't help anything and Cole definitely does not want me to blame myself. I am trying to let that go.