Instinctively, I would say, "Hell no." But my instincts have proven to be shit. And I don't know what your process has been with him in terms of rebuilding your relationship. If it's one of radical honesty, then I guess this would be something to share. The dream was just a dream, after all... you can't control what thoughts cross your mind, only what you do about them. And you DID delete the ex from Snapchat once you realized he was using it to keep tabs on you. Maybe adding him was a compulsive reaction to him contacting you, but no one can just snap their fingers and be over someone they were once in love (or even just deep lust) with unless they're lying to themselves. You stumbled for a minute, but you found your footing again.

As far as telling the husband about all this, probably your best bet is to run it by your therapist first, if possible. But whether you tell him or not, it sounds like he and your marriage matter far more to you than your ex. And if I can see that, then surely your husband can.

To update, as per usual I got the "good morning" texts. I leave earlier for work so I don't see him in the morning. He asked how I slept and I said "eh, not great." I told him "I had this bizarre dream about you, (my ex) and our therapist. I woke up pretty freaked out and couldn't go back to sleep." He said "eh...it was just a dream. It happens when you are stressed. Don't let it bother you."

He never wants to go into details. I have discussed this with my therapist, and openly told both him and her it somewhat upsets me because I feel he doesn't care enough to know. In past relationships, I was always used to very possessive men. My husband is not that way. At all. I know he cares, I know it hurts him to think about it. I just wish he would talk to me. He isn't the only one hurting over my actions.

Anyways, I did not tell him the Snapchat thing, only because I know what my intentions were accepting my ex's request. A lot of men I dated in the past, we've all ended on good terms and still are able to remain friendly. My college boyfriend, I'm friends with on fb. I actually enjoy seeing photos of him and his new wife. I'm the type of person where once I care about you, I always will care about you.

I would love for my ex and I to have this sort of friendship. And I know it's why I hung on so long. The problem is, our sexual chemistry was too strong. There was no "just being friends" and the fact that I got into a relationship with my husband shortly after him I think makes it worse. My ex is a great guy, not one who would ever be the "other man." But I think there's a part of him that feels it's somewhat OK because he feels my husband stole me away.

Anyways, I just went off on a long tangent. I realize my ex (especially because of the affair) will never, and can never, be my friend. It's unfortunate...but that's how it is.

So have you addressed with your therapist the fact that you're used to very possessive men and your husband is not one? Funny, isn't it, that he's the one who is NOT possessive yet he's the one you chose to marry. Do you think you cheated to bring out some possessiveness in him because that's the only way you really feel loved and desired?

In any case, the morning texts from the ex do seem way too cozy... he might not be the type to become the "other man," but he does seem to be trying to sabotage your marriage, whether consciously or not. You did say he feels your husband stole you away... sounds like his ego is pushing him to try and steal you back.

I definitely hear you on remaining friends with people you care about, but you also care about your husband. When one person you care about is actively trying to sabotage the happiness of someone else you care about, they're effectively giving you an ultimatim. You have to choose one. Maybe it's the contrarian in me, but I will always choose the one who is NOT giving me an ultimatim. (Less desperate is always more attractive.)

That said, it is one of the hardest things in life to let go of someone you love. (I know... I recently let go of both my AP and my live-in boyfriend of almost 9 years.) But sometimes you just have to do it for the good of all concerned. BECAUSE you love them. And (hopefully) yourself.

Sorry, I should have made it more clear - my husband sent the good morning texts. I told him about the dream, but not about the Snapchat. He didn't seem to want to know he details of the dream and just said "it's just a dream, don't let it bother you." But, it DOES bother me.

Prior to my affair, I used to google "how my affair helped my marriage." I think I tried to convince myself that maybe this is what I needed. Or maybe this is what had to happen in order for my husband to actually hear me that things needed to change. I think I tried to justify my choices in a way, and I did discuss this with my counselor.

She told me sometimes affairs DO help in a way, if both couples really want to make it work. She has found that the people she's worked with have found a closer bond after the affair, once trust had been rebuilt, but that it takes a lot of time and work to get to that point.

I can absolutely relate to not being able to let people go once I care about them. I actually just talked to my counselor about it yesterday. It sounds like what you're going through in terms of processing and moving on is very similar to my experience.

I didn't go into details with my husband, but I did tell him I was having a difficult time processing things on my end. It was vague, but my husband validated me by saying he understood it's hard to get over someone you fall in love with. I still have dreams about my AP, but I definitely don't share with my husband. Unfortunately my AP and I still work together. I see him once or twice a week. We are cordial, and it's obvious we still care about each other, but we each respect the boundaries that are in place.

Letting go is the hardest part. I don't even mean in a romantic way. It's hard not to be his friend. I love when I have a genuine connection with someone. The thought of losing that is so difficult for me, but that's just the way it has to be. I made that decision when I chose to end the affair, and I have to see it through. It will get easier, but no, I'm not completely over him. We got close. He is a good guy. I don't obsess anymore, but I do have deep feelings of wanting him to find peace and be happy. And I have a deep remorse for being part of destroying his life.

Can I ask what your counselor is having you and your husband do to try to reconnect?

Mine currently is having us "touch" one another, but no sex. It's been wonderful. Very playful, and I feel like we did when we first started dating. It's almost as if we are rediscovering each other. However, these feelings will fade...and then what?

One of the things that I think triggered my affair was the fact I may have a very difficult time getting pregnant with my husband (he has a chronic illness.) My ex got some woman he was seeing for a couple months pregnant. They chose not to keep the baby, but it really upset me that a guy I loved and dated right before my husband could impregnant someone else, and that it SHOULD have been me. It sounds so incredibly crazy, but it made me want him more. That's when I started to seriously consider turning our relationship into a physical one, instead of the years we spent emotionally cheating on our partners with each other.

The truth is, I don't want children with my ex. I want them with my husband. I think that is honestly what made me realize I needed to focus on my marriage with him. He's the future I see and want. The problem is, I emotionally and physically connect so much with my ex, and I'm left with wondering is this "true" love, as cliche as it sounds, or just some intense lust? The fact I don't have a desire to have a future with him leads me to believe its lust...I just can't get over not having him in my life. The wondering how he is part kills me.

Real love is a sacrificial love where you put the other person first. With this type of love, adultery can not exist. It is based on trust and respect.

Other aspects of a relationship are emotional attachment, passion/desire, and the reflected feelings from another's desire for you. Often people mistake these things for true marital love which forsakes all others as per the vows you take when you are married.

You can have various aspects of a relationship with many people to some degree but the commitment to forsake all others to truly love someone in a marital sense can only be for one.

I should have clarified that I'm in individual counseling. I have been for about 9 months. My husband and I haven't gone together yet (well, we have, but not since the affair has been exposed). But we have been working on our sexual relationship with one another. And I know exactly what you mean when you say these feelings will fade. They always fade. But then I think, they would have faded with my AP too, eventually. And I really do love my husband. I just have to be committed to working on our relationship before I can jump into another passionate relationship. In counseling I've identified that I do have an addiction to that passionate love in new relationships. I LOVE that type of love. But it doesn't last. Part of my process toward healing and changing my pattern is to accept that.

I just have one comment. You cannot out of respect for your husband who seems to be forgiving, to ever have a friendship with your ex. The one you cheated on your husband with.

@juanwilliam yes, I understand that, which is why I deleted him. It is unfortunately, within my nature, to always want people I once cared about around. That extends to friends, family, and yes, former boyfriends. Regretfully, for this particular former boyfriend, it has not been a healthy line of communication. I've been doing pretty well since I wrote this post, and I'm hoping it continues.