My choice in APs had to do with feeling needed. It's similar to many of the relationships I had when young. I am attracted to men who are a bit of a mess but seem deep or like they have potential (soulful underachievers). I am empathetic and codependent, and I also have a successful career, so I attract narcissists and sociopaths and other charming users and then try to meet their needs until it almost destroys me and I leave. Therapy is helping me not to be this way. These patterns are old ones from family of origin.

I think feeling needed was/is a big thing for me too. Codependency is the name of this game. My greatest thrill was my exAP calling me a 'drug'; how unhealthy can you get?

I am a bit of a romantic as well; which makes me prone to confusing romance and bullshit.

You're wise to get down to the root of the need because it's truly the only way to stop the behavior for good.

I have been a sucker for poetic nonsense as well. It's funny, since I am mature and practical in my life outside of intimate relationships.

I am the breadwinner and the person who gets shit done in my household, so I gravitate toward people who will take charge, take care of me, give me opportunities to be silly and fun and spontaneous. So, successful people who will romance me and make me feel protected but also free from responsibility...think May/December romance. I still deeply crave someone to "take care" of me and I need to work on not needing that or getting that reassurance in other ways.

I'm the breadwinner as well, but my comfort zone is apparently letting others take advantage of it!

Gravinggirl said " I am attracted to men who are a bit of a mess but seem deep or like they have potential (soulful underachievers). I am empathetic and codependent, and I also have a successful career, so I attract narcissists and sociopaths and other charming users and then try to meet their needs until it almost destroys me and I leave. Therapy is helping me not to be this way. These patterns are old ones from family of origin."

I am not the breadwinner but other than this I feel like this could be me. I was a huge codie but have been working on this (for years) and I tend to be very empathetic and want to help these men (some who have issues from their childhoods which could also be abandonment issues of their own, like me). I kind of wondered if I tend to attract those sorts of men subconsciously or I seem to be attracted to them. I found out the most recent guy I was attracted to has a mother who left his family when he was younger (10-13 yrs old), like left and left the state and now has a new family (someone else told me this not him). The guy before him (7 years ago) had a father who left. Another had an alcoholic mother and had deep rooted issues due to this. So WTF! Why am I finding myself attracted to messed up guys? Is it because I am messed up? Why was I not attracted to nice men who wanted to have a gf they could spoil and make feel wanted? This is what I wonder. In other words, like Gravin, I pick guys (or they pick me, not sure) I try to fix them, help them at the same time as trying to get something from them, like validation or at last to care and want to be with me but instead I spent all my energy on them and got basically nothing in return. I thought maybe it was because I am married but now I am not so sure. The douche who blew me off constantly and basically used me for booty calls has been in a long term relationship now (even though at 40 he still hasn't married).

Prettyanddumb I am a romantic as well.

WhatamIthinking I too wanted guys who were take charge and made me feel loved and cared for. I had one like that but he was posting on CL and I believe seeing other girls and he was married. He is in the process of now getting divorced. Big shocker there. Guess he kept on going long after me! I really never had that kind of relationship with any of them but believe that is what I was continually looking for. I believe we can also confuse lust and love easily and get swooped up in the whole romantic and love fantasy that A's offer, the escape so to speak.
I guess I find it a bit eery that while I am not aware of it consciously somehow I ended up with the same kind of guy, one who distanced himself, had trouble showing feelings, more a taker than a giver, a user, a narcissist or at the least a selfish prick. Makes me wonder.

Did you all find you are/were attracted to guys with the same personality traits?
I agree, I truly believe it is somehow connected to something missing from our childhood. Fixing it is much harder. Thanks for the comments. Interesting and helpful insight.
Therapy did help me quite a bit but there are still questions and things that need to be addressed.

I can identify with a lot of what you've described. For 20 years, (half my life!) I allowed a childhood friend to essentially booty call me. It wasn't every year, and sometimes there would be gaps of 3-5 years without contact, but it would always start up again. A couple years ago I put my foot down and was firm about not wanting him to contact me again unless it was on a platonic level. I haven't heard from him since but I know he will reach out again one day and I'm sure I will get butterflies at first, but I've learned that he has nothing for me.

To answer your question, it's really hard for me to find a common thread in my ex APs. For a few of them it was amazing physical chemistry. For one it was an almost immediate sense of emotional intimacy. They weren't all successful or needy or dominating. I guess the most common trait they had was finding me desirable.

Thanks for your reply DSJ. Wow 20 years! Good for you putting your foot down. At least you stood up for yourself! Do you think he will reach out to see if he can get to you? To see if you may be open to seeing him again for more than friendship?
I was pretty much addicted to my AP and he acted non chalant although he did stalk my FB and hit the "friend" button by accident a couple times lol Kind of sad to look back and see what I allowed and I imagine you felt the same, that you deserved more and better treatment. I just felt used all the time and I told him this. IDK, I feel like there must be something inside US you know? I broke it off (twice) with the last one but I was the one who kept reaching out periodically. This is what I am talking about or trying to convey (maybe not too well)......others write how their ex's reach out, even if once in awhile. Mine never do. Never. I had given the last one 2k over a summer to help him bc he had been laid off from his job and was afraid to lose his house. He never asked for anything, he just intimated he might be in trouble and knowing what kind of person I was, so caring and giving. Joke was one me. He had a sugar mama I guess. I never got anything from him. Not even a dandelion.
So yeah....I felt used but again it was my decision. He said he'd pay it back but I didn't want that hanging over his head and I am not even sure he would have had it to pay back for quite a while. Once it was over, it was over. When I broke it off for the last time it was because I replied to something he said about kissing him all over and he said no. I noticed he wanted NO intimacy. No dates, no getting together and spending time together, it was pretty much always just sex. We talked on messenger about things but in person it was only sex.
When I commented I could see we wanted different things and that I was a person with feelings his reply was "what did you expect with a married woman lol." It was very hurtful and a big slap of reality to my face that I definitely needed to see this A for what it really was. I was living in the fantasy world that he really liked me. HA!
It may sound stupid but looking at these traits and seeing how little I seemed to matter to any of them and looking at the guy I was flirting with recently......I see the same exact actions. I wonder is it something I am doing? Is it the type of guy I seem to choose or are many guys in A's just using the woman for sex?
Maybe the guys can help me out here......

I do like the last line in your post about the most common trait. Gave me a good laugh.

You know what, the thing that really solidified it for me was the realization that I would *never* allow anyone else to treat me the way he treated me. It was only because we had all this history that I put up with it. Well, that and to be perfectly honest, we got very close to being intimate a few years ago and I got a glimpse of his package and it was so tiny that I sort of lost my appetite. I'm not a pedophile.

But that said, I swear the thing that really helped me was to realize that if I'd just met and started dating someone and they treated me that way, there was no way I would allow them to disrespect me like that. And I'm sure he will reach out again. He clearly has some sort of undying lust/love for me but I am not in the least bit interested. I don't even want his friendship at this point because of how offended I am about the way he treated me all those years.

^I agree.....I think in my lowest of points my self esteem and confidence were shot based on a few things.......eventually that has returned and I think it all comes down to what will you tolerate. When people treat you poorly something is wrong with them, healthy people don't go around hurting/using/manipulating other people.

I do believe in being brutally thruthful with yourself when you need true self evaluation. It's the good, bad and the ugly. And I have found all 3 in myself over my life. With that said I generally think of myself and find others do, as a decent guy. Flawed and possibly lacking character at times. I work on it.. But mostly operate with a certain set of standards. No doubt I have treated woman badly at times but never with intent or maliciously. I always tried to maintain eyes wide open.

Now, again I speak for myself and you can take from it what you will. As a relationship forms to whatever degree it does, I always knew the right and wrong of it. You carve out something for each other as best you can with as little hurt, drama etc.. As possible. With that said I never expected too much, warned my AP to also think in those terms. If and when you get burnt.. Well, it's part of it. It's a cold cruel world out there when you know you are operating in the wrong..

I'm pretty susceptible to love bombing and have ended up being subjected to stalkerish behavior when I leave. I eventually ended every relationship I was ever in (except my marriage, although I obviously blew it up), usually because I felt drained from taking responsibility for the other party. Partners tried to keep me because I was fixing their lives in some way.

Thanks for the replies. DSJ if you had asked me if I would ever allow someone to treat me that way I would give you a loud "hell no!" MY self respect and dignity were in the toilet by the time I was done. I had thoughts of suicide although I dont think I would have gone that far but felt if I could not "fix" myself maybe it was the only way to stop the cheating. I was at my breaking point and my husband was totally unaware. He had no idea.

It kind of floors me ex AP has a relationship because I feel like as you say shoretime there is something wrong with someone in his moral fiber and being to treat a person that way, however, I was cheating myself so it sounds hypocritical and as Leavingabetterman says it is a cold cruel world when you are acting in the wrong. We do not get any sympathy. Who says they would like a banana bread then never comes to pick it up? lol I am serious, the guy was such an asshole.....and yup, I kept accepting it.
I have to say though, I would not be where I am today, would not have gotten the help I so desperately needed and gotten to the root of my problems so in one respect it helped me. I guess I had to fall hard before I could build myself back up. brick by brick.

Shoretime I am a different person today (thank God) and from my therapy have learned a whole lot about my self and would not allow that again. I have to say with all I've ever been through, this RL ripped me apart completely. How can you expect someone to respect you when you do not even respect yourself?
6 years later from the final break up and it still haunts me.

Graving that is scary having any type of stalker or stalkerish behavior.
I know of a couple people who have had to call police on Ap's because they intentionally tried to ruin the marriage one even talking to the children. Scary shit for sure and why you never know what you may be getting into with an AP.

I ended up being stalked and harassed by former AP and also his (now ex) wife. It involved contact with my family members as well. The upside is I have zero desire to ever cheat again. I pretty much want to be left alone by everyone - LOL.