You are entitled to have feelings and be hurt too. Does your H know you had an affair and how long has it been? It may be wrong, but many betrayeds feel that it is the cheating spouses responsibility to make things right in the marriage after an affair and that they should go the extra mile to make US happy and put up with more of our moods and depression because they are responsible for all the pain they caused and making us feel that way. If Dday was fairly recent for you your H may feel that you owe him and that he doesn't need to be accountable to you because you were not accountable to him when you were having the affair. He may want to make you sweat it a little. It may be a bit of payback.

As for wanting him to help out, I have to agree with him. Men often need to be told what needs to be done and what you want. This has to do with the way their brains function. I have found that making lists and asking my H for help in a kind way goes much farther than fuming because he did not figure it out and nagging him when I want it done. He responds when I tell him that it would really help me and I would really appreciate it if he did __________________. I then make sure that I thank him. I have found that it is often all about the delivery.

Tell your H that after working a 12 hour day you would really appreciate it if he would cook you a spaghetti dinner and have it ready for you when you get home. Leave the recipe on the counter. Or call him from work well ahead of time and tell him you would like him to do this for you. Or better yet, suggest that you cook it together and then give him specific instructions on how to do what you want him to do.

I would also tell him that it really worries you when you cannot reach him and he needs to be available on his day off. Remind him that if some type of emergency arose you would need to be able to reach him. When you leave for work in the morning check his phone and if it is on vibrate, take it off. If he hasn't slept with someone else you are not entitled to think he is when you can't reach him. He on the other hand, is allowed to think that since you did. 3-4 hours is not that long. He may be rebelling because he feels that you are putting a stranglehold on him by wanting to check in on him so often. Give him a little space and by all means, stop blowing up his phone. That accomplishes nothing.

Dday is farely recent, beginning of June, but I have a history. Now I am getting therapy with a sex addict specialist and it's helping me alot, as well as being on this site, I used to search for it when I would be stressed to the max and wasn't able to control it. So I went looking for something I could control. Sex was easy to find and always free.

I know it's not an excuse but I have always done everything for everyone else and that was my way of doing something for me. I have posted my story up here somewhere so you could read it if you want to.

and the reason I check up on him is because I have seen how bad I have hurt him. He tells me sometimes he thinks of killing himself cause it hurts so bad and I feel horrible that I made him feel that way so that is why I check on him and blow up his phone, I'm worried that he might have done something like that.

I also used to do everything for everyone else. I never had any time for myself and although I had time for my H, often my head was somewhere else. I often felt overwhelmed and resentful and I realize that must have come through in some of my behavior. Now, like the OW, I have learned to ask for help and for what I want, and I have learned to say no. I recognize that it doesn't make me weak, a failure, or less desirable or likable. I now have much more time for me and my H. I don't feel as overwhelmed and resentful as I used to. I communicate better and my H feels more needed and wanted. Discovering how to ask for help and communicate what you want in a positive, constructive, and effective way is very empowering.

I wish you luck.

It sounds like he needs some time to lick his wounds and get his head around what has happened. Cut him some slack. You are probably going to have to baby him a little and constantly reinforce that you love him and want to be with him until he gets passed this. You are going to have to put your feelings, wants, needs and desires on the back burner for a while until he gets passes this. He is in shock right now and is feeling nothing but the pain. He is likely very depressed. Affairs are a real slight on a man's ego and sense of manhood.

Once he gets passed the pain and depression he will probably become angry. At that point if you are not doing things for him and consistently showing and telling him how much you love him and need him he may begin planning his exit strategy. Tread lightly and be conscious of his needs above your own right now or you might end up blowing up more than his phone.