Here - Actually I really do respect what you said. When everything came out, I burned my journal in front of my husband (hardest thing I had ever done at the time because it was 5 minutes into our D-day). I deleted all emails and texts in front of him. He respected my wish for privacy when it came to slowly making copies of everything I had related to the book we were writing for backup and in case my xAP ever finishes the book and tries to pass off the stuff I had written/researched as his own (covering my own creative license ass). As far as the mementos, there really isnt anything in the way of love letters, etc but more things like stuff his kids gave me, his wfe gave me as presents, mementos from the vacations we spent together...stuff that I would have saved from any friend, really. My husband and I actually had a long talk about it when everything came to light...I think he understood that we had both had a huge shock. I boxed everything up that I could find and even had my husband help me think of things that I didnt even think were a big deal (i.e a shirt that I had bought for me that just said the name of the place we had all gone on vacation together to). Then i put the box in the closet in the back (out of sight out of mind) because thats the kind of person I am. My emotions at the time and even now were still too raw to handle throwing things out that his kids had given me (crayon drawings, etc...or memories of the happy friendship we shared before it degenerated into an affair). I actually live in the house that my husband shared with his ex (even still the same bed which I am not a fan of) and he still has kept a lot of things from his first marriage that he cant bear to part with. I know a marriage is different than an affair, but in my opinion, the underlying principle is the same. We both have things packed up from a previous "relationship" that, after D-Day, we both agreed to not bring up or go through unless we were together. I tried going through the box the other day (2 months after D-Day) to see if I could do anything with it and I realized the emotions were all still too raw....I immediately wanted to contact him or try to make things right, etc). and my husband has a mind like a filing cabinet....once he shuts the drawer on thinking about that stuff, it doesnt bother him and if he doenst want to open that drawer again, he wont. My mind (like most other femaies) is like a salad with a ton of stuff in there all at once....my xAP included. and sometimes i panic about things that in reality will never happen (like my hubby digging through a ton of shit in my closet just to get to a box to torture himself. I am sure or at least wouldnt be surprised if he still goes through my phone or my computer or facebook, etc to see if we are still in contact (which we are not....so that part I have no qualms with him checking). But my hubby is honestly not the type to go opening up old wounds. I know he has boxes and stuff from his ex (he had left his old wedding ring on the dresser in the open for years that stared me in the face every morning and it took him 4 years to get rid of it even after i told him i didnt want to see it) and I wouldnt go snooping because why hurt myself with things from the past rather than focusing on the future. And since that D-day, that what we have tried to do. Once in a while I will get sad and such about my A ending and when hubby asks what is wrong and I tell him he pulls away like he cant believe i am sad about my A ending but then we talk and I think he realizes that i am truly sorry but for a CS, the loss of an AP is still a loss and while I totally regret my actions, I miss the good things we had. but my hubby is more important to me and I have worked overtime in many respects to prove that to him. and if that means he has all password access to my computer and phone, so be it. If he were to ask me tomorrow to take the box down and burn it I would cry and be upset but I would do it. But he also knows I will take care of it in my own time when I am ready. Otherwise, out of sight, out of mind.

Silver-thanks for explaining things more. You and your husband are doing what works and since he is able to compartmentalize the affair I think he is a step ahead of me lol. I would have pull a Waiting to Exhale moment right in my driveway with my kids Radio Flyer wagon. If he would have shed one tear in front of me I would have thrown him in the fire with his illicit treasures. Okay, that last part maybe not but I would thought about it.

Seriously, yours is a little different with the friendship. Like I told my husband I don't care about friendships I have no issue with that (though he will not allow me to have male friends or I should say he carries on so bad that I just don't make the effort because it is not worth the fight) they were friend too, you(my husband not you) ruined that by taking thing to far so since you don't know boundaries you will have nothing so yeah, the stuff goes. Sorry, low tolerance. The pictures from the kids are fine they are innocent things but anything that had a touch of the affair no, friend trip or not. Just me again, you all have work out what was best for you so that is a great thing because it seems to be working for you all.

Now my husband was married before me too so they don't compare. I wouldn't dare try to hold on to stuff from an affair because my husband was married before I was even thought about it nothing to compare they are not where near the same. We slept in the same bed for a while too. Did it bother me, yeah for the first few months of dating but after that nope. I can't hold stuff against my husband that was all in the open when I met him. He also has kids so I would have to not like or want them around either because they are constant reminders that he was with someone before me. Now he wanted me to get rid of every memento I had of past boyfriends and I did it like an idiot (again not that important to me not worth the fight) before I realized that hey you have pictures of your wife and you have kids to show your past love why can't I keep my stuff. But now when I think about it I really don't care. It didn't mean much to me so it didn't mean anything to throw it away.

Oh and good luck too. I'm glad you all are doing well and on the road to healing.

Oh also to be fair, he did get rid of a lot of his wife's pictures. I don't know where he put them I haven't come across them he may have thrown them away. I think he only kept a few that had his kids in the picture. Just being fair about him making me get rid of my stuff.

yeah and that whole thing about the marriage vs affair came up with us. I KNOW its not the same thing. But in a way, it was still some of the same idea (my H and his ex communicate regularly....more her contacting him and he enabling her....long story there but this isnt the forum for it)...my friendship from my xAP probably degenerated into an affair because my H was more focused on making sur ehis ex wasnt having a crazy nervous breakdown....but in the end I respected his desire to have me put away and/or get rid of things that reminded him of my xAP because he didnt want or need to see the reminders and in a way, I dont need to right now. When the time is right, I will go through the box and figure it out. After I aired my concerns about my hisbands ex (especially him still keeping his old wedding ring out on the dresser or still saving pictures from a photo shoot she had done for him if ya know what i mean), he understood and got rid of or put away the things that bothered me. and gave me all of his passwords so it is total disclosure (if he was going to ask something of me, he felt he should be willing to do the same thing he asked....and vice versa. If i wanted reminders of his ex wife lying around the house gone then I had to get rid of things that reminded him of my xAP....even if it was the drawings his kids gave us). Yes, i know its weird and convoluted at times but my hubby has a great compartmentalizing mind (guys vs girls i guess) and the important thing is that we love each other and are totally recommitted to each other...we cant undo the past but we can make a conscious decision to not let it affect our future.

Gabi's been busy, so I'll answer your question for her, especially since it deals with my handling of it.

I wanted Gabi to get rid of stuff like her pictures of the OMs, certain emails, messages on MySpace and Facebook, and other things she had. She pushed back, saying she didn't want to get rid of her history. But I could tell if I demanded it, she would give in.

But I knew doing that could result in two things. One, I may not be aware of all the tidbits she had. If I forced it, she'd likely be tempted to not get rid of things I didn't know about. If she did it because she realized it needed to be done, chances are it would be more complete.

Two, if I forced her to get rid of them, it could have been a point of resentment for her.

But the biggest reason was I felt it was a way to know if she was making progress in healing or not. She knew what I wanted, and if she was to put the illicit past behind her and let that love die, it would mean getting rid of any reminders of it. So I elected to wait and see what she would do. Three months after dday, she came out of the fog enough the guilt hit her. It wasn't long after that when she announced she was getting rid of everything related to the affairs. Including the address of OM#1 she'd looked up after he left, planning to send him a birthday card. She had that in her purse. I knew she had looked up his address. I didn't know she was carrying it around with her everywhere.

Some BSs will be able to wait, for others it is a deal breaker and needs to be dealt with immediately. But in any case, to the BS, it represents contact with the AP, even if only in memory and thoughts. No contact means more than avoiding communications with the AP. The more complete and earlier you can go full no contact with the AP, the quicker that relationship will stop intruding into your marriage. The earlier the better.

Sounds like your H and you have it worked out, however. From what I can tell, you're good. :)