Are you two in counseling? Lack of sexual desire is often related to what is happening outside of the bedroom (e.g. parenting issues, perceived lack of support or emotional intimacy from the other partner).

As for the fetish, eh, how important does it have to be? Everyone is entitled to a sexual life, but most people find common ground if they want to stay together. Or they agree to open the marriage.

We are exploring the concept of counseling. We had a few obstacles to counseling that have just recently been cleared. In all honesty I don't know how much I trust that field as a profession. I am willing to try it because divorce is eminant. I had much more sexual experience when we met. I am 9 years older. I picked up this fetish to fill the void of normal sex. As pleasurable as the fetish is to me, if the normal sex came back I would begrudgingly sacrifice the fetish. it irks me that she engaged this fetish with previous flings but refuses to with me her husband. I also have a damaged emotional center of my brain from birth and I have always dealt with my emotions by switching them off. I often feel paralysis as a result of extreme emotions so I choose not to feel anything at all so I can function. The thing is I do feel, and i feel very intensely, but I don't know how to incorporate those feelings into my psyche bc Ive never had to before.

This particular fetish is one that I have the option of engaging in during solo play but i would much prefer to do it with a partner. she gave me permission to engage on a solo basis but was given specific instructions to keep it to myself in every possible sense. the problem is that this created a situation where a sought out a partner outside my marriage for assistance. i have sated that need for now but i fear the need may arise in future if things do not improve with my wife. at no point did i ever want to be with someone other than my wife, but i feel as if choice has been removed from my hand and i am too weak to fight my impulses. i am at a loss as far as getting normal sex back into my marriage. i have thus far been unsuccessful at all attempts to do that. i feel like that is the million dollar question. i dont understand what my wife needs in order to bring that back and i am also not convinced that it is within my capacity to provide it. she also thinks my need for sex is shallow and self serving and perverted. i think if she could give me a drug to supress my need for sex shed sneak it into my dinner.

I wanted to add that not knowing and not understanding are not the same thing. She states that I conditioned her to be distant because of how distant I was during her miscarriage and pregnancy. The emotions she experienced during those events were completely beyond my grasp. I have no common frame of reference from which to empathize, in addition to have a malformed empathy/emotional center in my brain due to birth defect. In speaking to her she seems to need a correction of those errors 3+ years ago in order to view me as a viable sexual partner again. She has increased her sexual engagement recently but every step she takes closer to me is done so begrudgingly and she suspects that I will shut down again once I get the sex back to where I want it. She never initiates, nor gives any hint that she's in the mood. I feel like when we do have sex she sees herself as nothing more than a fleshlight with a pulse. If I wanted a fleshlight, I'd buy one. I need my partner back.

You admit to being a serial cheater. Do you really want to stop?

yes i desperately want to stop. i dont know if the gaping hole between me and my wife can ever be bridged. my sexual desire is declining do to age but the drop in T makes me feel like crap as well. i seek sexual pleasure, not a new relationship. i hate how i feel after a cheat. the thing is that i do not feel like i am a suitable relationship fit for anyone but i also feel like garbage being a slut. some days i feel like cancer on 2 legs.

So basically you were emotionally void during her pregnancy and misscarage of your child?
You both need to figure out what your needs are. Are you willing to work on your whole marriage? A couple things.. the 5 love languages is a fun way to start..
the book "his needs, her needs" can also help.
You both are not meeting each others needs

We haven't been doing nothing. We are working on things, but it seems like we're on a treadmill. Things will be ok for a while and then we'll slip back to our respective comfort zones after a few months. I need to get my impulse control and narcissism under control, and I have an appointment for that next week already. The thing is that the emotional engagement that she's asking for is completely foreign to me. I did feel some level of pain and loss over the miscarriage and the joy of having a successful pregnancy but it is not natural for me to express those feelings. I have always gone to extreme lengths not to express any emotion to the point where it feels like the emotion is completely absent. I don't have any track record of things going well when emotion is expressed. Most of the time I feel paralyzed during emotional expression. I try to be as much think and as little feel as my mind will allow. The only exception to this is during sex. It feels natural to express emotion during that key window as you're building to climax. Once the climax hits the robot comes back. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I never considered it a problem before until she started threatening to leave me. I need to be better for my son as well, who is already at the age of 3.5 more expressive than I am. I was not expressive at 3, but then again he has a whole brain and I do not. I question whether or not I can imitate the actions of someone that does have a whole brain and do so without feeling like an invalid.

From what I understand, it's unclear whether someone without empathy can fully develop it, but there are some therapies and meditation techniques that have been applied with this aim.