Coming up on the 2 month mark since my husband discovered my on again off again 2 year affair.  I've posted here before because I had nowhere else to turn and I still have so much guilt and pain.  My husband left the night of the discovery and has been staying with his parents since.  I've only seen him 3 times in the past 2 months, and it's been so hard being away from him.  It feels as if this nightmare will never end.  I've been pouring myself into self-help books about infidelity and helping the betrayed spouse through the healing process, I've been going to individual counseling to work through my own issues, I found a job and have been working for the past 2 weeks, and I've basically been laying low and keeping to myself; trying to do everything in my power to show him that I am serious about fixing myself and our marriage.  There is so much uncertainty through all of this, not knowing where I'll be a day, week, or month from now, not knowing if my husband wants to stay or go, all compounded by the guilt and remorse that I feel on a daily basis.  Now that my head is out of the affair fog, I realize how toxic my affair truly was and I keep wondering what the hell I was even thinking.  I got involved with an emotionally abusive, manipulative, and insensitive man and basically ruined my life because of it.  I keep thinking about the hurt that I have caused my husband and wish I could just erase the last 2 years.  All I want is to have my husband back, to help him heal, to be a good wife, work on our marriage and problems, and love him the way he deserves to be loved.  I never stopped loving him, even when I was at my worst doing what I was doing.  There were so many points in my affair relationship where I would look at the other man and feel sick to my stomach because he could not even come close to comparing to my husband, but like a total fool, I stayed anyway because I liked the attention and the excitement that relationship provided, even though there were more bad times than good.  I can't stop hating myself for being so weak and stupid.  I know that I will have to try and forgive myself at some point, but right now it doesn't seem like I deserve it.  

So here I am, 2 months later, still hoping for a second chance, trying desperately to reconnect to my husband somehow, scared shitless that I am going to lose my best friend and my marriage (all things I did consider during my affair but ultimately brushed aside) and dealing with the weight of the guilt I carry now and likely will forever for crushing the trust of someone who loved me unconditionally. Where do I go from here?  What else can be done on my end to save my marriage?  How can I show him I'm truly remorseful and committed to regaining his trust and rebuilding our marriage when there is little contact or communication?  I want my husband back.  I want my marriage back.  The pain is almost too much to bear sometimes.  

If anyone is reading this who is having an affair right now or is thinking about crossing that line, please read through these posts, please see all of the damage and pain that an affair can cause, please understand the risks and look at all that you have to lose.  Temporary satisfaction is not worth the permanant damage.  Stop the affair immediately, communicate your needs and problems openly to your partner, and work on fixing or respectfully exiting your marriage. Nobody deserves to be cheated on.